I didn’t believe I’d find anyone like this,
I thought I’d manage my loneliness by just getting used to my own company,
It felt awkward, uncomfortable and put on at first,
Yet she still smiles while walking past,
Asking how I am doing, my plans for the day, how im feeling in myself,
She knows when I’m not feeling like myself,
She cares and loves me endlessly,
I mean, why me? I’d wonder,
Why would anyone give a second look at the girl who hears voices that are in her head, who isolates and stops contact in order to protect others from her own mind and thoughts,
Who would want to be friends with me?
I have questioned this tonight, but while I asked all these questions and listened to my overthinking, spiralling brain with responses like “she needs help!” And “its impossible to love her when there’s always so much wrong in her life!”
I get a call ringing on my phone,
I sigh, weighing up whether to answer or not,
When I see it’s still vibrating, I answer,
The fear of burdening others with my own problems, the fear of those I get close to leaving me because im ‘too much’ is unbearable,
I find my voice and she asks if I’m ok,
The tears stream down my face,
My breathing quickens as I try and say the words “I’m not ok,” between sobs,
“Breathe in and out, nice and slow, I’ve got you,”
And in that moment, i feel a weight lifted,
“I’ve got you,”
The bag of heavy stones ive been mentally carrying for far too long, is become lighter and lighter,
“Im not ok,” clearing my throat,
Her voice is calm and gentle,
She truly cares,
She carries the load and walks beside me,
She doesn’t leave until I promise I am safe,
My people, she is my truest friend,
One I haven’t known for very long, but since today, I feel like ive known her longer than forever,
She is like a mum to me, she can’t be replaced, and tonight, as I type this, I quite literally think she saved me from the cruelty my own mind.
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