Author: Rhiannon

“What is it that you are scared of the most?”

It had been a hard day. Rhiannon had arrived into her therapy session with about 3 minutes before it was due to start. Not feeling herself, she was hoping that she would gain something positive from talking to her key worker, but felt hesitant on what to say.

The sessions were often started slowly, until the nervousness and anxiety Rhiannon felt in the room at the start, came down. Not wanting to ‘say the wrong thing’ was always at the front of Rhiannon’s mind when feeling a bit lower in mood. Worrying others was a fear, I guess.

Thoughts were circling her head.

“Do I tell her that I’m struggling?”

“Do I say anything?”

Her lips started to form the beginning of words, before pausing and giving herself permission to speak about what was going on internally.

“I guess I feel like I’m drowning.”

This was the only sentence that Rhiannon had managed all day.

“That sounds scary. Do you want to tell me a little bit more about this feeling of drowning? Where do you feel it in you body?”

Again, Rhiannon paused and thought before responding with, “My chest feels heavy with every breath. Its hard to stay afloat. I feel like I’m being pulled under water.” The tears welled up in her eyes.

Deep breaths, Rhi.

You’ve got this!

Very gradually through individual moments of the therapy session Rhiannon felt lighter. Like an elephant had released its weight off her chest. It wasn’t sudden. But it was noticeable and relieving.

The atmosphere lightened as the session was finishing.

“I don’t know what drowning feels like for you, but I want you to know I’m here to support you until you learn to swim again. We can do it together, how does that sound?”

And so, Rhiannon and her therapist worked on staying above the water. There were moments that Rhiannon needed less support and as her confidnece and independance grew she started to swim.

Although the shore seemed miles away, and still unreachable on her own, progress was made and she was further along than she realised.

Disconnecting from the voices in her head, Rhiannon felt hopeful. And it wasn’t a short term relief. She continued to swim with reduced support.

The shore was in view and changes were being made to the encouragement and validation that was needed from others.

Kicking her feet and moving forward, she found her rhythm.

She continued swimming…

And before long the sand was beneath her feet. Standing tall, one foot in front of the other. A step at a time.

Looking back, only to see how far she had already come.

I can understand,

I understand you are scared.

I understand your frustration.

The lies your head tells you.

The truth being impossible to admit to those you love the most.

The worry of never getting ‘better’.

The feeling of never being ‘good enough’.

Feeling less than everyone else.

Worthless.

A lost cause.

A burden and a problem.

But, what if I tell you I got through even single one of them feelings and thoughts?

What if you can do the same?

What if hopelessness can turn into hopefulness?

What if trying to please everyone else leads you to finding who you are, truly?

I believe you can move forwards… create a life worth living!

No one can magic up the perfect life.

It doesn’t exist.

But you can appreciate what you have, learn to be grateful for the little moments.

Nothing lasts forever.

Hold on tight and keep moving forwards.

I understand… I do.

Don’t underestimate your own knowledge and experience.

How did we get here, Rhi?

How do we keep going?

Determination?

Goals and milestones?

The motivation of seeing something different come from each day that we choose recovery?

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like we’ve got through much.

Other days we look back at the mountain we have climbed, and see the view.

The things we’ve overcome.

The rocky days.

The days we have slipped and fell.

The 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

Goals can be helpful. Milestones are celebrations.

But life is so much more than looking backwards and still critisizing ourselves for the moments that didn’t go to plan.

The milestones we feel we lost because of urges or relapses.

Life is so much more!

It has been a long journey.

But honestly? I’m ready to let go of the goals that are based on avoiding relapse.

I feel we are ready to LIVE! To not just survive for the next goal post.

We have so much more energy than we used to, head space to think about the future that isn’t dedicated to counting and measuring and never really feeling sarisfied because after one recovery milestone, theres another that comes.

It just isn’t maintainable.

So this is our journey, and it will include becoming a nurse, writing and publishing  a book and reaching a place were recovery doesn’t have to be thought about. Where it can just happen and not feel attached to thoughts of the past.

Our journey is only just beginning, my friend!

Today, and for the last 188 days, I have experienced something different than before. I have reflected on what has changed. The only word I can find to describe the 189 days that have made up my recovery journey so far is perserverance.

The definition of perserverance in terms of recovery is, “In mental health, perseverance is the capacity to maintain motivation and resilience toward personal or recovery goals despite setbacks.”

I haven’t been good every day. They has been crises, risk incidents and tears. It hasn’t been straightforward.

I have got myself this far…. Im not ever throwing that away!

I have had days that I lacked motivation yet i stayed in recovery and moved forwards, bouncing back to my happier self quicker each time.

And for that….. I’m PROUD!

I’m proud of you!

Whatever the voice in your head is telling you, that is a lie! Because you’ve made it through hard days before, no matter how difficult or impossible it feels, I want you to know that I am proud of you.

When you dismiss the essential everyday tasks that seem to build up for weeks at a time, tackling a small amount of them all, you can agree or disagree but I am proud of you.

When giving up feels like the only way through, when you actually decline the option of pushing through, the journey is made longer, and the trials and obstacles in your way won’t get any easier. They may actually get more difficult. Despite having thoughts to choose relapse instead of recovery, I am proud of you and all you’ve achieved up until this point.

Getting to the point where you are deciding how to respond to the screams in your head, it means you are weighing up the pros and cons of listening to your thoughts. And for that, I am proud of you.

You never thought you would get to 6 months in recovery. It has taken so much dedication and consistency. You have achieved it, no one else has done it for you. I’m grateful that you’ve got this far! I am proud of you.

Fighting through each day, seeing every day in recovery add up to form positive memories, achievements and ongoing long-term goals, is super special. I am so proud of you.

Before the moment comes again to try to capture you from having good days and progressing any further, you need to know one thing…

You are stronger!

And I am proud of you!

Who do you see?

A young girl, defeated and broken?

A teenager who doesn’t trust that her next choice won’t be to cause herself harm and pain?

A child who is grieving and blaming herself for natural life processes?

Or…. do you see strength?

Do you see someone who is focussed?

Someone who has the ability to prove to herself that she is capably? To surprise others with her determination?

Because there was a time I was that terrified, grieving, broken little girl.

She existed in a world that she thought she didn’t want to be part of and made the choices to attempt to end the story she was given.

She wanted it to stop.

Time didn’t stop for her.

She kept going.

She keeps going.

Always.

❤️

Rhi,
You’re doing well. You’re able to say that, right now. There’s no need to feel shame for doing well.

Continuing, even in the moments when you feel like drowning. Even on the days that feel too hard to keep afloat. The shore will get closer. The storm will calm and you will make it.

It won’t happen overnight. It may take a while. But push through the harder days, and things will ease with time.

There is no benefit to giving up when progress is slow. Progress is progress. No matter what.

Life isn’t made to be easy or perfect. There will be mistakes. There will be trials. There will be tough decisions—maybe decisions that seem unfair; unnecessary even.

Better days are ahead! I promise these obstacles won’t be here forever.

A moment at a time. Step by step. Baby steps if thats what is needed.

Forwards. Keep moving forwards.

Love,
Wise mind

You know, you have to choose, in every moment, what your next move will be.

Whether it comes as a conscious decision or one that is more or less automatic, there are always options, both negative and positive.

Some may move you towards a goal. Others hold you back from making progress.

Life can give us reasons to pursue our dreams, while on other days it feels heavy and simply too hard.

You are stronger than that urge to quit! It won’t get rid of the weight of worries, sadness or anxiety. It will more likely add to the load.

You are stronger than the voice telling you that you have no purpose, that you add to other people’s problems….that your life isn’t worth living.

My friend – please trust me.

YOU ARE STRONGER!

Youve paused to read this message. You have made that choice and its a more positive one. You have taken the timd to reconsider the risk behaviour that was going to put you closer to a relapse. 

YOU ARE STRONGER!

Repeat that!

I AM STRONGER!

This is your time to believe it!

Preventing suicide. Its a hard topic. One that doesn’t present the same from person to person. It is a living nightmare to lose an individual to suicide. It leaves questions. Leaves family and friends wondering. So many misunderstood challenges and struggles that could be signs of thoughts that life doesn’t feel worth living. Recovery is a very very hard road to navigate. Suicide is seen as a way to stop internal pain. But it passes the pain on. It is so hard to see young people with no hope and having already given up. No protective factors. Nothing worth staying for. Risk behaviours can be impulsive as well as intentional. Deeming someone as ‘safe’ needs to be done in confidence with the least amount of risk or intent to act on risk behaviours. Suicide takes too many lives. I have been close to being part of the statistic of those who take their own life as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It isn’t easy to get through suicidal thoughts. But in my personal experience i know it’s possible to create a life worth living after feeling worthless and without hope. Community services can support young people. They can’t ‘fix’ patients. Their support is so important. In order to get through suicidal ideation, consistency and identifying personal challenges and negative emotions, in order to respond and manage crisis and relapses, alongside honesty and sufficient support being put in place as a safety net, can save someome from a decision that stops them from seeing any good in their life. Living through multiple attempts myself, I would never wish that feeling on anyone. I am not cured. I am not fully ‘fixed’ or ‘mended’. But recovery is a journey. It will always have ups and downs. And through my setbacks i have gained the knowledge of what has supported me, which could save another persons life as well. No two individuals are the same. Differences in treatment, responses to difficulties and reactions to change. I know it is hard. Sometimes it feels too hard. But it can get better. You have to choose recovery. It doesn’t come without wanting it. And it doesn’t solve problems.

You are stronger than you believe and loved beyond words.

Keep fighting!

Rhi x

I want you to know that I am sorry. Sorry for leading you towards a path that was full of pain.

You didn’t deserve that at all. You continued on a road that was destructive. I guess you followed the instructions of a voice that you knew was lying. It said you’d be safe. You had your doubts but ignored them.

I’m sorry.

Something didn’t feel right. Hospital admissions, self harm, suicide attempts. Everything that was screaming that you needed some sort of help. But resistance to treatment had won too many times. Choice had to be taken away. Options were becoming limited. You were stuck.

Steps forward became nearly impossible and support systems began to put measures in place that were restrictive to keep you safe.

Where do we go from here?

Forwards.

That is the decision we needed to make, albeit hard. Was every day perfect from that moment? No. Did we perservere? Absolutely! Things aren’t perfect. I don’t hold hope that they will ever be without doubts and challenges.

Understand that the choices that you made as a 13 year old, have shaped the future you’ve yet to experience. Lived experience and personal growth are what will carry you through your dream of working within mental health. Supporting children and young people with the same diagnoses as you have had in the past; that is a superpower. And although there will be differences in circumstances from patient to patient, you will empathise on a level that comes from a personal standpoint. Direct, with a positive mindset that you’ve been there and got through it. Living proof that recovery is possible and worth it, without dampening down the daily struggles that come with it.

I guess you’ve got a lot to give to others through your past.

So again, I’m sorry that the bad days had to happen to the severity that they did. I’m sorry that I didnt notice sooner or respond differently. But I am thankful for the lessons learned and the perspective I now have to be able to reduce others with the same challenges.

Keep being you!

Lots of love,
Rhi x