What’s the point?
I wouldn’t even try to ask myself this.
I’d have engaged in risk, acted to a point of relapse with consequences to my health and broken trust in relationships and friendships.
I would never sit myself down to take a deep breath and slow down before behaving in a way that was harmful to me.
I wouldn’t think about what I could lose or would be giving up on.
There didn’t seem to be space to settle myself.
Or perhaps there was space, but no time was granted.
I don’t really know.
Although I can reflect afterwards, nothing really has seemed to happen any differently.
I still act out, I still feel overwhelmed.
I just end up telling myself each time that it’ll be the last.
Maybe I believed that, even with no change.
The same old pattern.
All support dismissed.
Reaching out before risk, only to call the same phone number and tell them I’ve harmed myself, crying for help.
Does it get better?
Do things change?
Or is this going to be what kills me?
Ultimately, the years of surviving overdoses, the self-harm wounds, the deadly eating disorder…
They could have destroyed me.
I can’t risk my life for a temporary relief to settle an urge that could go wrong one day and end my life.
Truly, when I reflect on what I’ve survived both through the hard, consistent support of others and my perseverance to fight my own brain, I don’t want to lose this battle.
When I think about what I want to achieve, I feel selfish.
It’s like I shouldn’t be allowed to achieve what I want because I’ve tried so many times to quit living.
Why should I be given permission or the opportunity to choose, now that I am living a life I take for granted?
I didn’t ask for my life to be saved, yet it was.
I didn’t want another chance, but that’s what I was given.
I’m always up for telling myself that it’ll not happen again…
It won’t get that bad.
But I crumble!
It’s like my life falls through my fingers.
Like, there isn’t any meaning or power in my words.
I don’t know if I believe what leaves my lips sometimes.
But I believe that I want to get to a place in life where things aren’t quite so hard.
They’ll never be perfect, or satisfying every single day.
If I can survive what I have already, let’s just make each day a little more positive and go moment by moment.
No expectations of perfection.
Just slow, steady progress that is maintained over time.
Leave a comment