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Lets create a future for you that proves recovery is worth it!

Don’t give your time to something that has no benefits for your future

Continuing to focus on your struggles, making them a big part of your daily thoughts, isn’t going to make anything that has already happened better. You need to focus and put your energy into building a life and a future that is different from what you’ve experienced already. You can’t erase what’s happened, but from this moment, you can choose where you’re heading towards.

When you feel like giving up,
When you feel like nothing is worth the frustration, the tears, the mental pain,
What is it that keeps you here?
What are your protective factors?
What things would you want to achieve if your life were more stable than it is at this moment?
What is it that is helping you to push through and continue towards what feels impossible right now?
Why are you still here?
What is driving your reason to look forward and not backwards?
You’ve got through trials and challenges. You’ve faced barriers that could have destroyed you.
You have overcome your most difficult days.
Fears, negative patterns and behaviours.
Going around in circles with the same mindset.
Nothing had changed.
PAST TENSE!
You’ve been a warrior from the start of this journey.
Fighting enough to get you through, moment by moment.
The urges have won for so long, but somehow you’ve dodged them from taking your life.
You’ve been redirected.
You’ve reclaimed your glow and gained back the sparkle you thought was gone forever.
You never knew if you’d make it through another day, and so here you are, ready to build a life you believed was going to end sooner than now.
Small, consistent wins make the biggest steps forward long term.

Maybe this time will be different.
Maybe I’ll stop before it gets too much.
I’ll not let it get really bad.
I promise.
It’ll be different this time.
I’ll keep going, I’m stronger now.
I’m ready to fight it.
It won’t get that low.
It won’t become that unsafe.
Hospital wont be needed.
No one will have to worry.

Meanwhile…

The woman is found crying herself to sleep.
More than she would like to admit, she silently screams for someone to hear her cries.
She wants help, but she just doesnt have the words.
Her shadow falls over her thin trembling body of bones as it covers her mouth from opening and saying anything.
The shadow smiles back as if feeding off her fear and desperation.
Her breathing is quick with panic.
She wriggles, fighting off what feels like a strong restraint, but the more she sees her helplessness, the less strength she finds to resist the hold shes under.
Powerless, she stops.

Another life taken by the shadow that no one could control.
Too late, too painful, too misunderstood.

You can be convinced that suicide wont happen but what is the reality for so many people who struggle and get overlooked?

Suicide isnt wanted or deserved by ANYONE!

Its time to allow yourself to breathe again

One year,
One year from today i will be happier than right now.
I won’t be drowning in my own tears,
Screaming at my reflection for not being good enough,
Punishing myself for existing in a world i think would be better without me.

In one year i won’t regret staying in this broken world,
In the life i have grew to hate,
In circumstances i was refusing to change.

One year from now i will be thankful i accepted the support,
I will appreciate the people who stuck beside me, even when i pushed them away,
And i will understand that i am in control of my actions.

I have the power and skills to make this admission different to my past hospital stays.
I have the ability to use comparison from where I’ve been, to where I am headed in my recovery.

One year can change all my feelings about what my life can become.
I can take charge,
Take the reins,
And follow my dreams.

Reality is, if i choose this admission to be different, then thats what will happen, but i have the choice to make, consistently, every single day, no matter what.

Things won’t change unless I change my reactions, my emotional responses and my mindset.

I’ve just got to keep going!

One foot in front of the other!

When I think about the changes I’d like to see moving forward in the next steps of my recovery, I often reflect on the word ‘consistency’.

Sitting with uncomfortable feelings and emotions is very difficult for me. Sometimes, positive feelings are uncomfortable, but unpleasant ones are even more so, as lots of people would experience too.

Riding the wave is a phrase that has helped me since my first treatment course for EUPD in 2020. It refers to learning to sit with the feeling that is urging you to give up, to relapse, to drown in self-doubt and engage in urges of harm.

When we go against these beliefs, these thoughts that have consumed our past, we don’t feel better straight away. In fact, the first emotion I experience when I do the opposite of a risk behaviour is actually guilt and shame.

Consistency is about keeping the momentum. Staying with the mindset that harming yourself is a short-term release with no long-term benefits.

On reflection, I have not kept up with consistent recovery. I have managed, and then another crisis has turned my life upside down. I haven’t been strong enough or mentally well enough to fight back.

That’s not the case anymore. Im strong enough now, and ive got the drive, the motivation and determination to follow through.

My challenge now is that because ive got so used to relapse, to being in a crisis state, to have control taken away to keep me safe, i need to learn the choice to continue like that is mine to make. No one can force me into recovery but for as long as i am unsafe or at risk of harm, measures are put in place to stop it from becoming detrimental to my health. If i choose to change that, to fight back, to give myself the permussion to try again only consistently, no matter how hard it becomes, how tired i get, how demanding the voices get, i HAVE TO choose recovery!

So although i am not home, i am not the happiest ive been or the most content, i am trying.

That is a WIN for today!

It will continue as a win tomorrow and everyday.

I refuse to stop!

I am committing to recovery.

The heaviness.

The pressure you are putting on yourself.

The stress you are experiencing, not on purpose, and you are not to blame, but things can be in your control again.

Right now, things are being put in place to get you to a place of safety, a place where you can choose recovery again.

It really difficult.

It feels to much weight to carry, so allow professionals to support you in making steps forwards, my lovely.

This doesnt have to be where you story leads on to.

Its not the end, its just a speed bump to help slow things down and make this moment a little easier, a little more manageable.

You are writing this as permission to yourself to make a change.

It doesnt have to be this hard, so change the mindset.

Progress with small, consistent steps forward can make the biggest, most effective difference.

Begin, right where you are.

You feel scared, right?

Terrified that this is the way your life will continue to be?

Lets think of what is within our control right now, Rhi…

You’re sat in hospital, continuously absconding because you are struggling and leaving feels like a mental escape, as well as a physical one.

You are feeling out of control.

Waiting to have a mental health assessment, currently.

You have only got through tonight because other people have saved your life, multiple times.

Let them words sink in a little…

Your life was saved.

You are now safe from harm because of the kindness and concern of other people.

Due to your actions tonight, you are deemed a high risk to yourself.

But your life has paused…

It has NOT stopped!

The process will start again, and you will proceed to make small changes to get back to a place of recovery, stability and safety.

That means an inpatient stay.

A short, crisis admission.

But you need to stop convincing yourself you’re cured after 3 or 4 days.

You are allowed to accept support.

But you need to get discharged in a mental state that can continue in the home environment again, and safely.

Please, please let them help you, Rhiannon…

They can’t do it for you, but help is being offered, okay?

Take the advice and support.

In whatever form that is beneficial for you in the moment.

I know you are terrified and frustrated with being saved in times that you just want your life to end, but you need to do this life scared sometimes.

Choose to continue.

Choose to stay.

Keep fighting.

Love, Rhi.

It feels like a shadow that never leaves me,
Talking behind my shoulder,
in both whispers and screams.

It silences my voice,
While deafening me with its own.

It doesn’t seem crippling from the outside,
But inside my head is a battle I’m losing most days.

Using harmful behaviours to cope with loneliness, when I am surrounded by multiple support systems.

BPD isn’t overreacting,
It isn’t for attention,
And it isn’t fake or wanted.

BPD is a severe emotional response to things like a change in routine,
Grief,
Loss of friendships due to growing up and moving on.

My BPD didn’t make me a very nice person.
It made me react with anger, aggression, self-harm behaviours and suicidal thoughts.

It had such a firm grip on my every move.

But hings can get better.
Days always have a beginning and an end.
I thought for a long time that waking up in the morning would be my last.
Sometimes I wished it were the last one.

But now I hold on to my life, every moment, with the same grip that my BPD had on me.

It didn’t just click.
It doesn’t turn on and off like a switch.
It’s a choice.
A daily one at that.

I still have bumps,
Yet I survive.

Because BPD isn’t going to become who I am.
I am more than that.
I am more than its lies and obsessions, and impulses.

I am becoming the girl who thought she wouldn’t survive to see today.

1 week risk-free.
A week ago I didn’t want to fight anymore.
I didn’t have any fight left in me.
I needed to be protected from my own actions.

Things can change.
Not suddenly,
Not all at once.
But they can change and become moments you look back on and feel thankful for continuing to stay,
Proud to still be able to tell your story,
Confident in your ability to progress,
And lighter,
Not in weight, but in the amount of pressure you carry.

Let go of what is holding you back.
I am proof that you can!

You didn’t ask to become unwell,
You didn’t do it with intent or on purpose.

I get that, I really do.

You lost the glow in your eyes,
The smile that made others do the same,
You were so critical of yourself and how worthy you were to call this your life.

You didn’t feel important enough,
Good enough,
Pretty enough,
Even well enough.

You felt your life was purposeless,
It didn’t bring any good to anyone,
Including you.

This dark cloud continued for years and nothing changed.
But having no change,
Having to endure life without anything being different,
That’s what made you stronger.

The one reason you couldn’t find to keep going was the very thing that has kept you going.

You wanted to experience a life free from depression,
You wanted to be able to say ‘I survived, now it’s time to live’,
Even when it felt so out of reach.

Yet here you are today, not just surviving but living with joy in everyday,
Your smile beaming,
The glow has returned and the sparkle in your eye is back.

You aren’t just surviving,
You’re recovering from something that tried to destroy you,
Instead, you fought on.

Continue, stay, LIVE!

Expecting the unexpected,
Constantly thinking about what could happen next,
What could go wrong,
What could have happen if things were different in that one moment before.

Living with BPD feels like this for me,
Not knowing how ill react if someone doesnt smile back,
If i don’t say thank you or return kindness.

What if i’m the one that makes things go wrong in the world?
What if i make bad things happen?

But what if things are inevitable?
What if they happen regardless of the decisions i make in my own life?

The unknown is scary.
Not knowing what will come next.

But instead of thinking what will go wrong, maybe it’s about what choices i can make to ensure i stay in recovery?
Maybe taking it an hour at a time, maybe day by day is enough, but always remember this:

You are braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem,
smarter than you think
And loved beyond words.

Nothing you do eliminates your worth in life.
You have a beating heart, lungs that can fill up and empty with each breath.
If thats enough to keep you going, trust that you are meant to be here,
Youre meant to survive this storm.
Thats exactly what we will do, together.

Challenges will present themselves, but dont allow the storm to swallow you up.

You know how to swim against the wave until you find the shore again.

Ride the wave,
keep going.

It gets easier, I promise.