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I’m gonna say just one word…..
Sorry.
I know you feel like youve caused 1000 problems and they all end with the promise of behaviours not happening again.
Yet within 12 hours of committing to recovery youve created another crisis situation where youve surrounded by support and claiming you have no one.
‘I dont know when the change needs to happen’, you proclaim each time the same question is asked by the teams of professionals who want to see you chase your dreams.
‘What is going on, Rhiannon?’
The question your brain can tell is coming though you have no words to form into a reply.
‘Youve got so much to work for, to keep you goinh. So many people who just want to help you acknowledge your own potential.
Life is impossible, or it seems that way.
So whats keeping you here?
If it was impossible you wouldnt be surviving. You wouldnt be ringing lifeline and reflecting in appointments.
Something inside you is holding on.
Maybe by a thread… but youre still trying!
And sure your grip is slipping and everything feels heavy.
Your lack of consistent recovery is aching to be changed.
You know that you dont want to die.
Youre full of hope and joy amd motivation in the moments that you feel in control.
Coursework is a choice that you werent forced into today, yet you continue to progress and learn and strive for a life free of your own struggles in order to be a safe haven for others.
Give yourself grace.
Give yourself time.
Give yourself the option to minimise risk and have other safe, healthy choices.
Youve got the knowledge and skills to build a life worth living.
One that you wake up and look forward to.
One that doesnt feel dreaded or lost from the first moment.
Nothing in life needs to be perfect.
When you think of your deepest, darkest moments of depression, thats not where youre at now, Rhiannon.
Youve come so so far from that 13 year old girl who was shrinking her life as well as her body.
The years that have been spent in hospital, in relapse, in unsafe situations, all may feel like wasted time that have not moved you any further forward….
You dont need to stay stuck!

You need to move yourself from where youve got uncomfortable with being unsafe.
And write the rest of your story with a plot twist!
The ending can be so different to how it has started.

“Hello, how can I help you today?”
The middle-aged woman at the reception desk asked, full of enthusiasm and joy.

I wondered why I had found myself at the help desk of my doctor’s surgery.

“I guess I have realised I need a little bit of support…” My voice was full of nerves, and I was breathing heavily, holding back tears.

“I’m not doing so well. My mood is rock bottom. I’ve not felt this low before. I’m scared of my own thoughts.”

The woman stood up from her chair and came out from behind the glass window where I was aware i could’nt actually be heard very well.

She embraced me in a supportive, safe hug.

“You are so brave. Can I please ask you your name?” She was gentle and kind.

“Rhiannon,” I replied with a pause.

After 20 minutes alone in the waiting room, with no sound, what felt like very little air and tears flowing down my cheeks, a tall, dark-haired woman came towards where I was sitting. I immediately looked down. I had tried to shrink myself. I had made myself mentally and physically as small as possible because I felt like such a huge problem in this already cruel world.

“Rhiannon isn’t it?”
I nodded without making eye contact.

“I’m Lucy.”

We took our time getting to her office. I felt dizzy, weak, and tired. I hadn’t had much appetite recently. I suppose I didn’t really allow myself the time to feel any hunger, even though I would sit in the same seat in the corner of my living room. Curtains pulled, lights off. Just drowning in my self-hatred and exhaustion.

“I need to ask you a difficult question, Rhiannon.”

I swallowed the growing lump in my very dry throat as the words processed in my head.

“Do you have any thoughts to cause harm to yourself or that your life isn’t worth living? Please be as honest as you can so I can try my best to help.”

At this point I knew I had been hiding so much from others around me, acting like I was living. Yet every day felt like I was losing myself a little more. I had somehow convinced those around me that I was fine, that I had pushed down my struggles and believed my lies… Until this moment.

Tears weren’t waiting to roll down my face now. I was sobbing. Everything felt so heavy. I had reached my breaking point. My brain needed to take some weight off the load it had been carrying for far too long.

I looked up and took a deep breath. Then another. I slowed it right down so I could form some words.

“I’m always tired. I’m constantly sad, numb or feeling like my life is pointless.”

I’d never said that to anyone out loud before. Yea. I’d occasionally text a helpline through fear I’d follow through with the thought I was having. But nothing ever came from it, just text again if the thoughts put you in immediate danger.

“What activities used to give you hope?” I could hear the concern in her voice, though she stayed completely calm.

I thought back to when I was younger and would visit my granny. We’d have chips for dinner and she’d buy us a bag of sweets. The memory seemed to take me back and I got a little lost in the past.

A few moments went by. “Rhiannon?” Lucy gently put her hand on my shoulder to bring me back to the present moment.

“Where has your mind taken you with that question? You seemed to get a little bit lost…”

“I always felt happy when I visited…..” I couldn’t get any more words out. I missed her. I missed my granny every single day. I wished I could give her a big hug and never let go. But I couldn’t do that anymore.

“Lucy, can I ask you something please?” I managed to mumble.

“Of course. I’ll do my best to answer.”

“Can life get better when every day feels like there is a new battle wound to deal with? Things feel too heavy. And it hurts. I just want to have a moment of feeling less.”

She gathered her thoughts before letting out a relieved sigh.

“You have taken the hardest step. You know you want help. And you’ve asked for it. Not everyone has the strength to ask. You are going to have better days. Trust yourself, even when it’s incredibly hard. Allow yourself the time you need to heal what has been broken for so long. We’re going to support you to gain your glow back. I hope someday that you will feel that your life is worth living. But until then we can help you to stay afloat. We aren’t going to do it for you, though. It needs to come from you too. We are there for the moments you feel like you are drowning. We can hold you above the water while you find the strength to swim again.”

In those 40 minutes of slow communication back and forth, I felt listened to and as if I mattered. I reflected on things that had always felt too hard to face.

I left the appointment with what I can only describe as peace. Nothing inside me was screaming.

I want to say at this time, that this encounter didn’t cure me. I still struggle. I still feel sad and angry and numb sometimes. My days aren’t as difficult but they also don’t come without their challenges. One thing has changed for sure. I feel ready to make progress. Slow, steady steps forward. Consistently being honest. No expectations. No limits to the emotions I feel. Healthy boundaries and daily recovery reflections. Empowerment on the hard days, stability of some sort on the better ones.

I’ve discovered a version of myself I had lost.

She’s here to stay!

It’s a hard one.
It seems to always get harder.
Fighting back seems less worth it.
It’s hard to find hope.
But there’s always ALWAYS a glimmer of it.

Hitting rock bottom.
The pit of despair.
The darkest hole that feels too deep and lonely to climb out of.

Trust me, i am in that pit, that hole.
Im at the point where it feels pointless.
Ive been through outpatient systems, crisis after crisis, hospitalisations against my will, leaving against medical advice, just to repeat the cycle over and over.
Yet my reality right now as i type this is a hospital stay somewhere i didnt expect to be, due to having ran away from my problems, mentally and physically.

I dont see any hope.
I believe ive lost everything that means something in my life.
Im pushing people away.
Ive stopped being honest, opening up about what i was finding difficult, admitting my struggles and how i was making plans to just quit living.
I want nothing more from this world.
I dont want to experience recovery because that comes with relapse.
I dont want to tell anyone how i felt, because the only feelings i have are to painful to explain to anyone who knows me.

But somehow, as things are so so difficult and complicated to explain or find the words to descrive, im trying.
Im not trying because i want to.
Im not trying because i believe theres going to be anything good comes from staying in this world.
Im still trying though.
I dont really know why, to be honest.
I havent quite found a reason.
My reason why.
But maybe i will.
Eventually.
In time.
If i hang in there just a little longer….
Just to see.
To give it another chance to add to the endless list ive already gave up on.
Maybe hope will show itself a little more if i hang on a little bit longer

When will i stop hurting?
When will the thoughts go away?
When will burnout have less control of me when it hits?
What if i dont want to feel sad again?
Everyone gets sad, right?
Its just normal.
Its part of the process.
Its unavoidable.
How can i get through it safely if it happens again?
It takes over so quickly.
It controls my thoughts.
When will i take back the reins.
When will i make the choice.
Will it ever be my choice?

These questions are going through my head one after the other.
There seems to be no end in sight.
So ill make the finish line.
Ill stop the thoughts on the conveyor belt.
I will take charge.
And i will change the record.
Its not easy, it never has been.
But it can slowly get better.
Not everything changes all at once.
Progress doesnt come from stopping your emotions from showing up.
No.
Progress is how you deal with them.
How you respond.
Your reactions.
And how you choose to move forward no matter the risk urges.

Slow down, take your time.
Its not a race.
And it cant be perfect all the time.

Give yourself the option to just breathe for a while.
Cause thats what your body might need right now.

Some day I want to find happiness.

A kind of happiness that isn’t replaced by guilt or sadness or anxiety within minutes.

I don’t know what happiness feels like, and my heart is wondering if it has a way of lasting for a little longer than other emotions.

It’s just that I don’t think it comes to visit too often.

I’d like to get to know the feeling and maybe invite it to stay over.

I don’t know.

It might say no.

It might think it’s a trick.

I need some happiness in life.

I’ve needed it for a while.

So next time I find happiness, I’ll ask if you would mind coming for longer.

Some day I’ll get to know happiness and how to find my own.

When you’re having a bad day,

When you struggle to get out of bed to face the world and just don’t know if the mental energy is there;

You can’t give up!

Giving up seems the only way alot of the time.

It may feel confortable and maybe a feeling that you are used to.

2026 has started. We’ve survived our first full week, and that has taken courage!

You made that happen!

Even if there was mornings you rolled out of bed with no intention of tackling the to-do list.

Even if food was consumed out of the want for something that was not overstimulating and not difficult.

Do you realise that alongside getting out of bed, having some sort of nutritional intake, you overcome both tasks that felt overwhelming before they happened. You did your best and started the day with human survival.

Thoughts of not doing enough, or not doing what others achieve on a normal day? That is their reality, nit yours.

I have to remind myself daily that my story, my journey, my day to day tasks are not what others face.

My reality is scraping myself off the floor while others work a full time job or juggle school runs.

My day consists of survival without a hospital admission for a crisis mental health assessment which has been a regular occurrence recently. I use all my energy to pick myself up, dust myself off and take another step forward in order to stay well.

On days when you feel like giving up, remember your why…

Why is it important to have breakfast and take your morning medication?

Why does fresh air and movement matter today?

Why should I try interacting with others instead of hiding away?

Why should I start today positively?

Why do I continually choose recovery?

No matter how tough or pointless today feels, you’ve done your absolute best with the energy you have left and mental state you are in.

Acknowledge your efforts.

You’re still fighting, because you haven’t given up! Deep down, you know you are choosing to move forwards. It just doesn’t feel close to the lives of others.

So regain focus, do what YOU can do to stay on track and keep going, my friend!

You’ve got this!

Love,

Rhi

Rhiannon,

2025 was no easier than 2024.
As you can guess, it had plenty of crisis points, risk incidents, moments of giving up, and hospital stays…
But what did you achieve?
Your first answer to that question is to say you didn’t achieve anything, which is simply not true!
You’ve survived another full year! That has taken all your mental energy in itself!

You have become a student,
You’ve maintained living independently,
Youv’e had an incredible christmas!

You have so many better days to experience than any that have already happened.

Trust me, 2026 will be your year Rhi!

I don’t know your story.
I dont know your past.
Im not here to criticise or judge.
But I am asking you to stay.
Stay so that we can watch the sun set on the beach together.
Stay so we can celebrate birthdays and Christmases and the start of a new year.
The feelings you are experiencing right now are confusing. You want to act on urges, and I get that. Its familiar, it’s a coping mechanism. But it doesn’t solve the problem. Your actions to engage in risk may help very short term. But the same issues will resurface and then what?
Please stay, Rhiannon.
You dont have to do this alone. You have so much support. Accept it. You are stronger than you think you are. Brave girl, you’ve gotten through so much already and you can get through this too.
Leaving this world isn’t the answer. It’s a permanent ending. I know deep down that scares you. You are scared incase this is the time it works, the time you leave.
That fear proves you don’t want to end your life.
Rhiannon, stay.
You are yet to experience so much, yet you’ve been through lots of things that others never will.
You’re 25 this year.

You’ve survived suicide attempts.

You’re living alone and independently.

You’ve managed to stay out of hospital

You’re living now.

You’re not just surviving from one moment to the next.

You need to slow down a little bit. Not everything needs completed so quickly.
Stay.
You have your psychology course to complete.
Your volunteering.
You have so many achievements coming up, if you go, what happens everything you’ve worked hard for?
This isn’t me telling you what to do, because I know you have the capacity to make choices. You deserve to make choices based on your own opinion.
Stay.
Understand these feelings will pass. They won’t last forever. You will be on the other side of your struggles if you keep going. Keep surviving. Keep taking it moment by moment until you can bare minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. It will get easier. This is a wave that wants to swallow you up. So let me help you learn to ride the wave, to surf the urge until we get you over the peak of it. Then we will steady our balance together and prepare ourselves for the next. The waves won’t just stop. But they will get fewer and far between as they calm down and settle.
So, what’s your verdict?
Will you stay and create a life worth living?

Written on 21/09/25

Do you want to become you best version of yourself?

Do you want to create a life worth living?

PROVE IT!

Finish your course, Rhiannon. Get the qualifications and use them to support others on their journey. Make your struggles a way to build lives up when they fall down, just like yours did for so many years. Take the good out of your experience and encourage those who see no light, to hold onto hope, just like you did.

You know you can!

I know you will!

Here’s the thing…..

None of us, no matter how hard we try to change our lives to resemble the lives of others, will ever find true happiness within ourselves.

This is something I’m still learning. I wanted to share the judgment that I know I’ve been caught up in for as long as I can remember.

We are not made to have the same qualities, personality, or sometimes even values as others. We are not them. We need to accept that we are our own person. We have been created to be individual and unique.

I often find myself comparing my past to those I went to school with. Some are now in stable relationships, working in a job they put the effort into getting. Some have moved out or are in university or travelling the world.

Why does this cross my mind?

I guess I’m jealous. I want what they have. It stops me accepting and being thankful for my own life and what I have achieved.

Past tense…

ACHIEVED!

I didn’t make it through high school, yet I have a level 3 diploma in psychology.

I didn’t choose to move out of home, yet I’ve managed over 8 months of independent living in a flat of my own.

I haven’t travelled or got a uni degree, but I am working hard on my access to a university nursing course alongside volunteering roles.

I may not have the life I thought I’d have at 25, but I am lucky and grateful to still be alive.

Because on the hard days when things feel hopeless, I choose to accept my circumstances, be proud of what I have overcome already, and stand firm, looking towards my goals.

We can only move forward if that’s what we choose!

The dreams of others won’t get you to a place where YOU want to be.

So start chasing your own!