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Recovery has ups and downs.
It doesn’t happen without choice,
Though relapse happens only through the choices we make.
Uncomfortable feelings would often lead me down a path of destruction, a path I was too stubborn and consumed by negative thinking to ever turn back from or stop pursuing.
Soon after each time on the self-sabotage road, I crossed my own boundaries and felt too far gone to help myself.
Although I felt so many emotions all at once, I still described myself as numb and distant.
I didn’t understand yet…

Today, as I lie in my bed writing this blog, I reflect on my day.
I got up and dressed. I ate breakfast and walked into town to collect my weekend medications. I proceeded to go to my 5k race where I felt nervous, a little paranoid and maybe a bit ashamed for not being ‘as good as others’. Never the less i persisted to run. I did this with doubts and niggling thoughts telling me to give up and quit.

I KEPT GOING!

I knew I would be proud of myself at the finish line. I knew I’d rather push through these thoughts, hard as it was.

The feeling of crossing that line brought me to tears for a moment. I faced my anxiety, fear, shame, all those feelings that could have cornered me. I could have let them win.

NOT TODAY!

IM BEAMING!
BUZZING!

I’ve come a long way. In the past i would let it knock me down and I would lie there.

Progress isn’t always from milestones, but having a different mental thought pattern and outcome to similar emotions that would not have a positive result even just 6 months ago.

If not now then when will you ever feel ready?
Putting recovery off,
Holding back from implementing change,
Not moving forward because the timung doesnt feel right,
Waiting for another while because you don’t feel you ‘need’ to get better yet.

Putting it off doesn’t get you any further forward. It’ll feel more like a step backwards in the long term. Staying stuck isn’t the objective. It may feel safe to not make changes to behaviours because, let’s face it, we get used to the feeling of something becoming a habit or routine or first thought and action.

But where do you want to be in a year?
Still stuck?
3 steps backwards?
Continuing to act on harmful urges?

I think you are scared to change.
It’ll be uncomfortable and new and difficult.

But is staying the way you feel right now, where you want to continue being?
Or are there small steps you can include in your day to make a difference?
Little tip toes forward every day will add up in the long term and you will notice progress.

Maybe progress will come in different forms…
A wider, brighter, more genuine smile.
Interacting with others more.
Sharing goals and how you’re going to get there with your support network.

Take it slow.
Nothing will be perfect within seconds.
Understand the changes that need to happen.
Break them down in to steps.
Take it step by step.

I know you can, my friend.
Life is here to live, not just survive.

Recovery is worth it, but thats something you have to want to find out and prove to yourself.

Stay safe.

You deserve happiness.
Youve come through too much and too far to quit.
I know you may read this and wonder how I know…
Everyone in this world is fighting their own personal battle.
Life is never perfect.
And recovery isn’t straightforward.
Youve got to push through,
Fight for the people who love you, the things you want to achieve and stay on track.
Your happiness doesn’t always come from the happiness that you give others.
Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
Think about what you want for your future.
And understand that not every decision will be the right one or viewed as wise.
When you decide to study a course that will help you reach your goal, it may not make others happy.
But what’s important is that you believe in your ability to pursue the dream.
Grab it with both hands and prove that you can,
For your happiness, your future and your journey!

What’s the point?
I wouldn’t even try to ask myself this.
I’d have engaged in risk, acted to a point of relapse with consequences to my health and broken trust in relationships and friendships.
I would never sit myself down to take a deep breath and slow down before behaving in a way that was harmful to me.
I wouldn’t think about what I could lose or would be giving up on.
There didn’t seem to be space to settle myself.
Or perhaps there was space, but no time was granted.
I don’t really know.
Although I can reflect afterwards, nothing really has seemed to happen any differently.
I still act out, I still feel overwhelmed.
I just end up telling myself each time that it’ll be the last.
Maybe I believed that, even with no change.
The same old pattern.
All support dismissed.
Reaching out before risk, only to call the same phone number and tell them I’ve harmed myself, crying for help.
Does it get better?
Do things change?
Or is this going to be what kills me?
Ultimately, the years of surviving overdoses, the self-harm wounds, the deadly eating disorder…
They could have destroyed me.
I can’t risk my life for a temporary relief to settle an urge that could go wrong one day and end my life.
Truly, when I reflect on what I’ve survived both through the hard, consistent support of others and my perseverance to fight my own brain, I don’t want to lose this battle.
When I think about what I want to achieve, I feel selfish.
It’s like I shouldn’t be allowed to achieve what I want because I’ve tried so many times to quit living.
Why should I be given permission or the opportunity to choose, now that I am living a life I take for granted?
I didn’t ask for my life to be saved, yet it was.
I didn’t want another chance, but that’s what I was given.
I’m always up for telling myself that it’ll not happen again…
It won’t get that bad.
But I crumble!
It’s like my life falls through my fingers.
Like, there isn’t any meaning or power in my words.
I don’t know if I believe what leaves my lips sometimes.
But I believe that I want to get to a place in life where things aren’t quite so hard.
They’ll never be perfect, or satisfying every single day.
If I can survive what I have already, let’s just make each day a little more positive and go moment by moment.
No expectations of perfection.
Just slow, steady progress that is maintained over time.

I’m gonna say just one word…..
Sorry.
I know you feel like youve caused 1000 problems and they all end with the promise of behaviours not happening again.
Yet within 12 hours of committing to recovery youve created another crisis situation where youve surrounded by support and claiming you have no one.
‘I dont know when the change needs to happen’, you proclaim each time the same question is asked by the teams of professionals who want to see you chase your dreams.
‘What is going on, Rhiannon?’
The question your brain can tell is coming though you have no words to form into a reply.
‘Youve got so much to work for, to keep you goinh. So many people who just want to help you acknowledge your own potential.
Life is impossible, or it seems that way.
So whats keeping you here?
If it was impossible you wouldnt be surviving. You wouldnt be ringing lifeline and reflecting in appointments.
Something inside you is holding on.
Maybe by a thread… but youre still trying!
And sure your grip is slipping and everything feels heavy.
Your lack of consistent recovery is aching to be changed.
You know that you dont want to die.
Youre full of hope and joy amd motivation in the moments that you feel in control.
Coursework is a choice that you werent forced into today, yet you continue to progress and learn and strive for a life free of your own struggles in order to be a safe haven for others.
Give yourself grace.
Give yourself time.
Give yourself the option to minimise risk and have other safe, healthy choices.
Youve got the knowledge and skills to build a life worth living.
One that you wake up and look forward to.
One that doesnt feel dreaded or lost from the first moment.
Nothing in life needs to be perfect.
When you think of your deepest, darkest moments of depression, thats not where youre at now, Rhiannon.
Youve come so so far from that 13 year old girl who was shrinking her life as well as her body.
The years that have been spent in hospital, in relapse, in unsafe situations, all may feel like wasted time that have not moved you any further forward….
You dont need to stay stuck!

You need to move yourself from where youve got uncomfortable with being unsafe.
And write the rest of your story with a plot twist!
The ending can be so different to how it has started.

“Hello, how can I help you today?”
The middle-aged woman at the reception desk asked, full of enthusiasm and joy.

I wondered why I had found myself at the help desk of my doctor’s surgery.

“I guess I have realised I need a little bit of support…” My voice was full of nerves, and I was breathing heavily, holding back tears.

“I’m not doing so well. My mood is rock bottom. I’ve not felt this low before. I’m scared of my own thoughts.”

The woman stood up from her chair and came out from behind the glass window where I was aware i could’nt actually be heard very well.

She embraced me in a supportive, safe hug.

“You are so brave. Can I please ask you your name?” She was gentle and kind.

“Rhiannon,” I replied with a pause.

After 20 minutes alone in the waiting room, with no sound, what felt like very little air and tears flowing down my cheeks, a tall, dark-haired woman came towards where I was sitting. I immediately looked down. I had tried to shrink myself. I had made myself mentally and physically as small as possible because I felt like such a huge problem in this already cruel world.

“Rhiannon isn’t it?”
I nodded without making eye contact.

“I’m Lucy.”

We took our time getting to her office. I felt dizzy, weak, and tired. I hadn’t had much appetite recently. I suppose I didn’t really allow myself the time to feel any hunger, even though I would sit in the same seat in the corner of my living room. Curtains pulled, lights off. Just drowning in my self-hatred and exhaustion.

“I need to ask you a difficult question, Rhiannon.”

I swallowed the growing lump in my very dry throat as the words processed in my head.

“Do you have any thoughts to cause harm to yourself or that your life isn’t worth living? Please be as honest as you can so I can try my best to help.”

At this point I knew I had been hiding so much from others around me, acting like I was living. Yet every day felt like I was losing myself a little more. I had somehow convinced those around me that I was fine, that I had pushed down my struggles and believed my lies… Until this moment.

Tears weren’t waiting to roll down my face now. I was sobbing. Everything felt so heavy. I had reached my breaking point. My brain needed to take some weight off the load it had been carrying for far too long.

I looked up and took a deep breath. Then another. I slowed it right down so I could form some words.

“I’m always tired. I’m constantly sad, numb or feeling like my life is pointless.”

I’d never said that to anyone out loud before. Yea. I’d occasionally text a helpline through fear I’d follow through with the thought I was having. But nothing ever came from it, just text again if the thoughts put you in immediate danger.

“What activities used to give you hope?” I could hear the concern in her voice, though she stayed completely calm.

I thought back to when I was younger and would visit my granny. We’d have chips for dinner and she’d buy us a bag of sweets. The memory seemed to take me back and I got a little lost in the past.

A few moments went by. “Rhiannon?” Lucy gently put her hand on my shoulder to bring me back to the present moment.

“Where has your mind taken you with that question? You seemed to get a little bit lost…”

“I always felt happy when I visited…..” I couldn’t get any more words out. I missed her. I missed my granny every single day. I wished I could give her a big hug and never let go. But I couldn’t do that anymore.

“Lucy, can I ask you something please?” I managed to mumble.

“Of course. I’ll do my best to answer.”

“Can life get better when every day feels like there is a new battle wound to deal with? Things feel too heavy. And it hurts. I just want to have a moment of feeling less.”

She gathered her thoughts before letting out a relieved sigh.

“You have taken the hardest step. You know you want help. And you’ve asked for it. Not everyone has the strength to ask. You are going to have better days. Trust yourself, even when it’s incredibly hard. Allow yourself the time you need to heal what has been broken for so long. We’re going to support you to gain your glow back. I hope someday that you will feel that your life is worth living. But until then we can help you to stay afloat. We aren’t going to do it for you, though. It needs to come from you too. We are there for the moments you feel like you are drowning. We can hold you above the water while you find the strength to swim again.”

In those 40 minutes of slow communication back and forth, I felt listened to and as if I mattered. I reflected on things that had always felt too hard to face.

I left the appointment with what I can only describe as peace. Nothing inside me was screaming.

I want to say at this time, that this encounter didn’t cure me. I still struggle. I still feel sad and angry and numb sometimes. My days aren’t as difficult but they also don’t come without their challenges. One thing has changed for sure. I feel ready to make progress. Slow, steady steps forward. Consistently being honest. No expectations. No limits to the emotions I feel. Healthy boundaries and daily recovery reflections. Empowerment on the hard days, stability of some sort on the better ones.

I’ve discovered a version of myself I had lost.

She’s here to stay!

It’s a hard one.
It seems to always get harder.
Fighting back seems less worth it.
It’s hard to find hope.
But there’s always ALWAYS a glimmer of it.

Hitting rock bottom.
The pit of despair.
The darkest hole that feels too deep and lonely to climb out of.

Trust me, i am in that pit, that hole.
Im at the point where it feels pointless.
Ive been through outpatient systems, crisis after crisis, hospitalisations against my will, leaving against medical advice, just to repeat the cycle over and over.
Yet my reality right now as i type this is a hospital stay somewhere i didnt expect to be, due to having ran away from my problems, mentally and physically.

I dont see any hope.
I believe ive lost everything that means something in my life.
Im pushing people away.
Ive stopped being honest, opening up about what i was finding difficult, admitting my struggles and how i was making plans to just quit living.
I want nothing more from this world.
I dont want to experience recovery because that comes with relapse.
I dont want to tell anyone how i felt, because the only feelings i have are to painful to explain to anyone who knows me.

But somehow, as things are so so difficult and complicated to explain or find the words to descrive, im trying.
Im not trying because i want to.
Im not trying because i believe theres going to be anything good comes from staying in this world.
Im still trying though.
I dont really know why, to be honest.
I havent quite found a reason.
My reason why.
But maybe i will.
Eventually.
In time.
If i hang in there just a little longer….
Just to see.
To give it another chance to add to the endless list ive already gave up on.
Maybe hope will show itself a little more if i hang on a little bit longer

When will i stop hurting?
When will the thoughts go away?
When will burnout have less control of me when it hits?
What if i dont want to feel sad again?
Everyone gets sad, right?
Its just normal.
Its part of the process.
Its unavoidable.
How can i get through it safely if it happens again?
It takes over so quickly.
It controls my thoughts.
When will i take back the reins.
When will i make the choice.
Will it ever be my choice?

These questions are going through my head one after the other.
There seems to be no end in sight.
So ill make the finish line.
Ill stop the thoughts on the conveyor belt.
I will take charge.
And i will change the record.
Its not easy, it never has been.
But it can slowly get better.
Not everything changes all at once.
Progress doesnt come from stopping your emotions from showing up.
No.
Progress is how you deal with them.
How you respond.
Your reactions.
And how you choose to move forward no matter the risk urges.

Slow down, take your time.
Its not a race.
And it cant be perfect all the time.

Give yourself the option to just breathe for a while.
Cause thats what your body might need right now.

Some day I want to find happiness.

A kind of happiness that isn’t replaced by guilt or sadness or anxiety within minutes.

I don’t know what happiness feels like, and my heart is wondering if it has a way of lasting for a little longer than other emotions.

It’s just that I don’t think it comes to visit too often.

I’d like to get to know the feeling and maybe invite it to stay over.

I don’t know.

It might say no.

It might think it’s a trick.

I need some happiness in life.

I’ve needed it for a while.

So next time I find happiness, I’ll ask if you would mind coming for longer.

Some day I’ll get to know happiness and how to find my own.

When you’re having a bad day,

When you struggle to get out of bed to face the world and just don’t know if the mental energy is there;

You can’t give up!

Giving up seems the only way alot of the time.

It may feel confortable and maybe a feeling that you are used to.

2026 has started. We’ve survived our first full week, and that has taken courage!

You made that happen!

Even if there was mornings you rolled out of bed with no intention of tackling the to-do list.

Even if food was consumed out of the want for something that was not overstimulating and not difficult.

Do you realise that alongside getting out of bed, having some sort of nutritional intake, you overcome both tasks that felt overwhelming before they happened. You did your best and started the day with human survival.

Thoughts of not doing enough, or not doing what others achieve on a normal day? That is their reality, nit yours.

I have to remind myself daily that my story, my journey, my day to day tasks are not what others face.

My reality is scraping myself off the floor while others work a full time job or juggle school runs.

My day consists of survival without a hospital admission for a crisis mental health assessment which has been a regular occurrence recently. I use all my energy to pick myself up, dust myself off and take another step forward in order to stay well.

On days when you feel like giving up, remember your why…

Why is it important to have breakfast and take your morning medication?

Why does fresh air and movement matter today?

Why should I try interacting with others instead of hiding away?

Why should I start today positively?

Why do I continually choose recovery?

No matter how tough or pointless today feels, you’ve done your absolute best with the energy you have left and mental state you are in.

Acknowledge your efforts.

You’re still fighting, because you haven’t given up! Deep down, you know you are choosing to move forwards. It just doesn’t feel close to the lives of others.

So regain focus, do what YOU can do to stay on track and keep going, my friend!

You’ve got this!

Love,

Rhi

Rhiannon,

2025 was no easier than 2024.
As you can guess, it had plenty of crisis points, risk incidents, moments of giving up, and hospital stays…
But what did you achieve?
Your first answer to that question is to say you didn’t achieve anything, which is simply not true!
You’ve survived another full year! That has taken all your mental energy in itself!

You have become a student,
You’ve maintained living independently,
Youv’e had an incredible christmas!

You have so many better days to experience than any that have already happened.

Trust me, 2026 will be your year Rhi!

I don’t know your story.
I dont know your past.
Im not here to criticise or judge.
But I am asking you to stay.
Stay so that we can watch the sun set on the beach together.
Stay so we can celebrate birthdays and Christmases and the start of a new year.
The feelings you are experiencing right now are confusing. You want to act on urges, and I get that. Its familiar, it’s a coping mechanism. But it doesn’t solve the problem. Your actions to engage in risk may help very short term. But the same issues will resurface and then what?
Please stay, Rhiannon.
You dont have to do this alone. You have so much support. Accept it. You are stronger than you think you are. Brave girl, you’ve gotten through so much already and you can get through this too.
Leaving this world isn’t the answer. It’s a permanent ending. I know deep down that scares you. You are scared incase this is the time it works, the time you leave.
That fear proves you don’t want to end your life.
Rhiannon, stay.
You are yet to experience so much, yet you’ve been through lots of things that others never will.
You’re 25 this year.

You’ve survived suicide attempts.

You’re living alone and independently.

You’ve managed to stay out of hospital

You’re living now.

You’re not just surviving from one moment to the next.

You need to slow down a little bit. Not everything needs completed so quickly.
Stay.
You have your psychology course to complete.
Your volunteering.
You have so many achievements coming up, if you go, what happens everything you’ve worked hard for?
This isn’t me telling you what to do, because I know you have the capacity to make choices. You deserve to make choices based on your own opinion.
Stay.
Understand these feelings will pass. They won’t last forever. You will be on the other side of your struggles if you keep going. Keep surviving. Keep taking it moment by moment until you can bare minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. It will get easier. This is a wave that wants to swallow you up. So let me help you learn to ride the wave, to surf the urge until we get you over the peak of it. Then we will steady our balance together and prepare ourselves for the next. The waves won’t just stop. But they will get fewer and far between as they calm down and settle.
So, what’s your verdict?
Will you stay and create a life worth living?

Written on 21/09/25

Do you want to become you best version of yourself?

Do you want to create a life worth living?

PROVE IT!

Finish your course, Rhiannon. Get the qualifications and use them to support others on their journey. Make your struggles a way to build lives up when they fall down, just like yours did for so many years. Take the good out of your experience and encourage those who see no light, to hold onto hope, just like you did.

You know you can!

I know you will!

Here’s the thing…..

None of us, no matter how hard we try to change our lives to resemble the lives of others, will ever find true happiness within ourselves.

This is something I’m still learning. I wanted to share the judgment that I know I’ve been caught up in for as long as I can remember.

We are not made to have the same qualities, personality, or sometimes even values as others. We are not them. We need to accept that we are our own person. We have been created to be individual and unique.

I often find myself comparing my past to those I went to school with. Some are now in stable relationships, working in a job they put the effort into getting. Some have moved out or are in university or travelling the world.

Why does this cross my mind?

I guess I’m jealous. I want what they have. It stops me accepting and being thankful for my own life and what I have achieved.

Past tense…

ACHIEVED!

I didn’t make it through high school, yet I have a level 3 diploma in psychology.

I didn’t choose to move out of home, yet I’ve managed over 8 months of independent living in a flat of my own.

I haven’t travelled or got a uni degree, but I am working hard on my access to a university nursing course alongside volunteering roles.

I may not have the life I thought I’d have at 25, but I am lucky and grateful to still be alive.

Because on the hard days when things feel hopeless, I choose to accept my circumstances, be proud of what I have overcome already, and stand firm, looking towards my goals.

We can only move forward if that’s what we choose!

The dreams of others won’t get you to a place where YOU want to be.

So start chasing your own!

Life comes with ups and downs. We set goals, milestones, and reward ourselves for our achievements. However, as we near the end of 2025 and welcome the new year of 2026, we often find ourselves wanting to make changes. But we don’t then give credit to the things of the year passed. We don’t easily acknowledge what we’ve overcome already.

So lets take a moment…

My 2025 achievements :

1. Discharged from hospital for over 6 weeks
2. Psycholgy qualification
3. Access to University course for Nursing – Started
4. Maintain enough stability to remain living independantly
5. Permanent housing offer
6. Mental health conferences booked and afew attended
7. Christmas complete
8. Bouncing back quicker from crisis points
9. Accepting support and allowing professional input
10. Decrease in medication doses

Leaves fall to the ground below,
The sunshine sets and the moon replaces its position,
Rain trickles down the window,
The sunshine hides its blinding glow behind the clouds.

But just as autumn leaves drop, flowers begin to bloom.
When the sun sets and the moon has satisfied its role, the sun will rise and return to its position.
As the rain drips and gathers to create puddles, it also makes a reflection in the clear water of its moments of time and the life that passes by.

Hearts will continue to beat, even when others prepare to stop giving life.
Life is possible, until the moment it ends.
Time won’t pause to grieve its loss.
The world won’t delay its existence to make time for you to feel ready or catch up.

These are all processes which sometimes go unnoticed but happen nonetheless. They may seem unimportant. The weather, the season, the time of day. It has no choice but to happen. It’s all part of a cycle, an unfinished, repetitive routine. Seasons begin and end, as does the day separate itself from the moon-lit night.

Take yourself in the direction of new beginnings. That is something you have the option to do. Otherwise you are choosing the same patterns. The destructive cycle. The routine of nothing changing. Without change, we are a budding flower that could bloom and transform into colours as beautiful and unique as you.

Are you ready? Ready for personal growth? To create and live in this next season of your life?

Will it be different? Well, my friend… staying the same wont move you any further forward. It may even be more difficult to stay where you have become comfortable. Moving towards the day you feel ‘ready’ would be one long journey and just as difficult and scary to stay in.

Do this life scared. Until you feel the fear and decide to still take the step you need to, nothing changes. The sun appears and the light will fade. The leaves will fall and the storm will beat down, as the thunder roars.

You have the ability to find you warm glow of sunshine that has been hidden behind the dark clouds.

You have an inner strength that, no matter how hard things get, can’t and won’t disappear. It may fade. It may get buried a little by factors in life that make you forget what you have already overcome. But honestly? I admire your inner strength because no matter what, you continue. You may have challenges, risk behaviours, negative emotions, and the hardest of days where everything is just too much. You may feel like you’ve erased all progress. That’s not true! It may have knocked you down a little, discouraged you, but you are still showing up. You are still doing the things your mind is persuading you are pointless. You’re doing the hard things anyway. That is inner strength. No one or nothing can take that away.

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8!

“Some things aren’t easy in life,” said the young girl, who had so often wished away her entire future and wondered if giving up was the solution. She talked to her therapist every week, sometimes more often than that. But she had never quite found the words to express her longing for the life that felt completely out of reach and unachievable. She had been opening up about her past for nearly two years now. Therapy was her safe space. In today’s session, something was holding her back from crying. She didn’t quite know what. On reflection, she knew she wanted to be able to look back in five years and feel like she hadn’t stopped trying to chase her dreams of stable recovery. That’s what they felt like currently, make-believe dreams that were a figment of her imagination, while her reality was very different. She longed for recovery to get easier, even just a little bit. However, her life was really just beginning, and as you can imagine, things shifted… nothing was going to remain the same forever! The leaves were falling outside as the autumn wind blew them off their branches. ‘Just like the leaves fall to the ground’, she thought, ‘I also have fallen away from my comforts, my place of safety, and my recovery’. What she wanted most in the world was to be able to feel proud and take the recognition for getting through everything put in her way. This mindset changed something inside her. Not all of a sudden, but actually quite gently. It didn’t erase her past traumas, or her bad days that would inevitably happen for anyone in her position, but she felt a sense of comfort knowing that she was doing everything she possibly could to help herself and support her own future. Yes! She has dreams and for so long her perspective was that anything that felt difficult meant that she would never manage it, so she set out to cope with her life differently. She didn’t quite have a plan, or step-by-step instructions. She didn’t know what was coming her way, but soon, soon enough, she’d learn to love her past for the lessons it taught her and the advice and empathy she could show to others who feel the same way she did. She can truly, confidently say that she gets it. She understands on a more personal level than how textbooks teach. She doesn’t have a due date for her dreams anymore. Instead, she takes things day by day, knowing that when small steps forward are made, big results in the longer term are in sight.

This may feel like ‘just another Christmas’ to some. 2025 has been a challenging year, with numerous lows. But so often I’m left thinking only of what I have missed out on or need to change. 2025 is a year that I attach many regrets, personally linked to my progress and recovery choices. I feel that I’ve missed out on many positive opportunities, chances to change my mindset and mental space. But, instead, I’ve relapsed, felt stuck, numb, lonely and empty. I’ve come to understand that there have been many moments when I felt proud, productive, genuinely happy and confident within this year too.  I have returned my focus to education throughout 2025. I have lived independently for almost 8 months. I have tackled travelling alone, moving community mental health teams, using public transport, made lifelong friendships, put myself first, and I’ve made it to the Christmas season. The 1st Christmas in my own home… this was something I never thought I’d be saying so soon in my journey! But at the age of 25 next week, I’m extremely proud of where I’ve been to where I am now. There have been many crisis points recently, times have been very, very tough, but look at what you’ve got through in a year! Take that it! You’ve made it through another year! You did that, no one else!

Hey you! How are you keeping? Struggling? Oh, that’s not so good. Sorry to hear that. You know what though? You’ve got this! You have always found a way through the hard days. You can get through today too. What do you mean you don’t know if you can, my lovely? I KNOW you can! I’m here, ok? I’m not leaving. You’re not on your own. I get it. I get it’s so so tough. Think of how far you’ve come already. Where you’ve been, where you are now, where you’re headed… There are going to be days when things are difficult. When they feel too much, you’ve just got to push through. Recovery isn’t a linear journey. It’s far from straightforward. But you have gotten through so much. You haven’t got this far to only come this far. You can’t stop now and risk all the progress you have made up until this point, because I know there’s plenty more smiles, laughs, celebrations and memories to make. They are waiting for you! So grab them with both hands and leap! Trust the process! You’re doing well, no matter what that voice is telling you! Keep going! And I’ll catch up with you soon, my friend.

Stay safe!

Rhiannon x

When I think of 2025, I see struggle, defeat, and dismissing anything good that happened that could take away the little bit of effort I had left in myself.

I see the trust that I’ve broken time and again.

I see the misunderstood guilt for surviving this long and not being successful with what I thought should have been the end.

I see the tears that run down my cheek in silence. A silence that is deafening but doesn’t make me feel any less lonely.

I see the hearts I’ve left to survive on their own, only so I could fulfil what I fully believed I deserved, and soon would take my life, without being noticed or missed.

I have fears for 2026…

Fears that my life will continue with these feelings.

But also fears that involve change or even just the slightest shift in behaviours, responses, reactions, and therefore the situation I find myself in.

I’m scared that how I feel will be almost uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It will feel different.

Sometimes I wish the world would just finish me so I didn’t have to set out to do it myself. So I didn’t have to plan to perfection how I pretend to feel. So that no one would know any different.

At times I think of all of this, and I genuinely feel distressed by the thoughts. Others, I sit calmly, almost ready for my breathing to just stop, for my story to be over.

But I’m still here, writing my book. I’m creating my next chapter, not because I want to. Well, in this moment I don’t want to. But could all the fears and anxiety I have about my future be reshaped? Converted into determination? Motivation to become proof I didn’t really want the demons in my head to win this fight?

I have found it within me, deep within me to continue a little while longer. Just to see what happens. To find out if I really am a lost cause, no matter if I try or not. I have given up before even starting most days. Writing the day as a fail from the minute I wake up each morning.

That’s the thing though! I’m waking up to a new day, which isn’t just happening as a special occasion. It’s got a reason. It has a purpose. And although it feels impossible in this moment to see that, I am holding on just to see if anything stems from the thought. To see if I flourish, blossom, or just fall to the ground.

Anything is possible if we put our mind to it, so I have to just try. In fact, I want to try.

2026 can’t be different to previous years if I don’t change anything. So although it feels daunting to say yes to the start of another year, I want to try again. There’s hope when you change what you’ve been drowning in, and take the step towards a new beginning.

What drives your crisis periods?
What aspects of your life contribute to how you feel in them moments?

For me, it sounds simple and easy to fix. Its much harder and when the downward spiral starts, it feels like there is no turning back. You dont always realise your mood is slipping. Its almost like switching a light on and off. Theres no pause to think in between.

Has that switch feeling become a habit? Have you tried catching yourself in the moment when thoughts are racing, urges to engage in risk are high and nothing feels like it will stop hurting? Thats a draining way to feel… Constantly using risk as a way to manage and subside anxiety, fear, hopelessness, and sadness.

When we get these kinds of feelings and thought patterns, our brain goes to firstly how we’ve managed the last time we felt something similar and if that is risk, it will become a repeated behaviour. Something we fall back to. Something we trust to make us feel relief. Maybe not even to feel ‘better’ but as an outlet for these deep, uncomfortable emotions.

What i need you to do is sit with the feeling. Dont give it control. Easier said than done? I understand. I really do. Maybe it is about sitting with it for longer than last time. Using skills, distractions, anything to take your mind off from the risks involved. If that means taking a shower, while visualising your negative thoughts going down the drain, feeling the sensation of the water, the temperature and the distraction of using body creams and relaxing, soothing scents, just for 15 minutes? That might be the start of a period of time where youve moved past the deepest emotions. It doesnt mean theyre gone, but that 15 minutes is time that you couldnt have managed last week, or last month.

You got through it!

Not because you were kept safe by others, or by letting it win. You got through that 15 minutes because you wanted to. You chose to try again. You gave yourself a task to see if it would pause the dark thoughts just for a bit.

You should be so SO proud of yourself. Choosing 15 minutes may have just saved you from a relapse. You can do it. Youve proven that its possible when you put all your energy into it.

Its time you make decisions like this a part of your routine. It could be what begins and maintains your recovery.

Do it for yourself!
Do it as proof that theres is hope in the darkest points of life!
Do it because you trust yourself!

30/11/2025

To the one who is struggling to begin again…

I see you, and you are not alone. You are seen. Even if i dont know you in person, i want you to know i get it. I understand what you are going through right now.

Its SO damn hard!

It feel lonely, and impossible to get through, but you WILL! You will get through these crap feelings and in time the thoughts will shift. They will become less frequent as you get stronger. You will be able to talk back to the voice in your head saying that you cant do this or youll never be good enough for anyone.

You are enough! Just as you are!

Stop trying to prove yourself to the voice that has shown nothing positive in your life.

Nothing is worth the pain is has given you.

It doesnt have to stay this hard. But, for as long as you listen to the voices, you will become reliant on the lies.

If you choose to take control and talk back, the voice will become bored and weaker and have less grip on your every move.

You will gain back you glow!

You will build a life worth living!

You will embrace every decision you make because there was a time in your life when choice was not yours to own. It felt out of control and your life wasnt being experienced to the full…

You were barely surviving!

It doesnt have to stay like this. You can choose to move forwards, one steo in front of the other.

Recovery is possible.

It needs to be a consistent choice, every day.

And not for anyone else but yourself.

When I think back to 8 months ago when I returned my focus onto education, gaining knowledge and understanding my journey in order to help others, i remember that i was in hospital after an attempt to end my life. I had no drive, no motivation, nothing that made me wajt to live or continue to survive.

Maybe it was impulsive to start a course which would take up alot of energy that i didnt quite have in that moment.

But can I just tell, my recovery has become so much more exciting and rewarding since i started studying again. It never crossed my mind while ive been poorly that the one factor in my life that i know i am working hard and need to continue with to achieve is my coursework and gaining my qualification.

Lets get it done!

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years, Rhiannon?”

My therapist asked this question with curiosity and enthusiasm, with which I didn’t quite know how to respond. I had goals, but I’d never named them as something I actually planned to achieve. I was so unpredictable with mood swings that the next hour could have me spiralling downwards and nothing would stop me. I had it in my head that relapsing was just a part of my life that I would get used to. When I think about that judgment now, in this moment, it makes me sad. Not sad because it’s basically been how my life has gone so far, but because I believed it would never change and I had lost the hope of recovering someday.

I tried to bring myself back to the moment. I was getting stuck in my head, going around in circles.

“5 years?” I sighed and shifted in my seat as I prepared to make up a whole story of being discharged from mental health services, living independently, managing bills and finances, being in a healthy relationship and having positive friendships.

That moment passed through my head, and a tear trickled down my cheek.

I hadn’t answered yet, but the thoughts got me going deeper and deeper as we sat in silence.

“I think I’d just like to be better than I am now. I’d like to feel like I’m giving my all in life, trying my hardest and building a strong foundation for my future. I guess I would like to see myself mentally stronger and stable without a cycle of relapsing. I want to break the cycle and maintain good mental health.”

That moment changed how I viewed my future. I didn’t need things that money could buy. I just wanted to feel I was doing enough to support myself in my recovery journey. The cycle needed to change. A new direction. A new focus. A strong grip on the life I wanted and a determination and drive that I couldn’t let go of.

She smiled back at me, making sure to keep eye contact, and replied, “Let’s get you there then. Nothing has to stop you. You just gotta keep going.”

*5 years later*

I’m sitting in my one-bedroom house, aged 30. I feel loved, supported and stable. Not the kind of stable where I’m just surviving each day. No, I’m actually living my life. I’m thriving! I’m engaged to the love of my life. I have strong friendships and no longer seek validation for every decision I make in life. I actually achieved 5-years risk-free today too. And I am celebrating with a trip to London over the new year of 2031 to experience watching the fireworks as the year moves to the next and the clock strikes midnight. I am working now since i got my qualification in community mental health and psychiatry and my psychology diploma, but still also enjoy blogging and sharing my writing with charitys that can reach so many people who relate to what ive gotten through and just need that little bit of hope amd proof that life can get better.

“Im ready!” I tell myself internally. I say it firmly as if i am commanding that there is no backing out of it… no other option.

Rhiannon, youve got this!
Lets see what 5 years bring!