Category: Flawed, but still proud

Today marked a new beginning. I didn’t restart in a way that I was pushed backwards and had to start again. This time was different. Much different. It was a day that made me sad because I was also happy. It was a day that I didn’t expect would happen the way it did. And although it didn’t creep up unexpectedly, I wasn’t prepared. And my mindset has now shifted. New beginnings don’t always have to start after an ending… mine started when I discovered more about my strengths and gained a realisation that although goodbyes are hard and change can be difficult… a fresh start doesn’t with a new team of doctors and nurses who may have a different approach to my care, might be another piece to my recovery that fits!

You’ve been a part of me for too many years. Although I consider myself in “recovery” from my borderline personality disorder, as I do from anorexia, I’ve never actually felt ready to cut the ropes and say we’re finished.

I know the moment I say goodbye, things won’t change in my body, or in the environment. There won’t be a sprinkle of glitter from the sky, no one else will know what relationship I’ve just ended. Nothing dramatic will prove that in this moment, I’ve abandoned you on the side of the road and drove off.

The change will be our relationship. You’re not welcome in my life, in my thoughts, or having any control of my being anymore. Our communication will not consist of back and forth conversations. They will become silent. This will frustrate you, and that’s something I’ll not let wriggle into my thoughts. You will not guilt trip me into believing your lies, nor your own beliefs of me.

We won’t have regular contact like the last 6 years. Instead, you’re banned from entering my head.

You’ve put me in dangerous situations, which could’ve killed me. But I defeated all the odds.

Besides all the negatives amd knowing I wouldn’t choose any of them again, not even with your help, you’ve made me the strongest I’ve been, mentally. I wouldn’t change my past because that would change who I’ve become.

I’m not going to be known for having borderline personality disorder.

Rather, I’ll be known for recovering from it.

I wouldn’t have the life I have in this moment, without your existence.

This is the last I’ll mention your name. Stay away from me. We’re done.

Rhiannon

Where are we heading? Which direction? What time are we getting there? Will we stop for a minute, halfway? Will there be any diversions?

‘RE-ROUTING’ said the navigation map in the car, as it started spinning on the screen to locate where they had taken a wrong turn (as expected!)

‘It told me to go right!’

‘Well, obviously it’s not the way we need to go, we’ll have to turn’.

‘MAKE A U – TURN’.

‘What’s the speed around here?’

’20mph I think cause it’s busy, just take it slow so we get there without another wrong turn’.

This little snippet of a story, reminded me of my life. Unexpected sometimes, circumstances can change, the direction we’re heading isn’t the one made for our future destination, and therefore we have to make a change, a turn around, see the whole map and start from a different angle. Same journey, with some speed bumps, stop signs, and diversions. But you’re going to become stronger for getting through all these things. You’ll learn where not to go, how to slow down when things around you are building up and you feel you can’t move or get through. Give yourself time. Take 5 deeps breaths. Look around you for anything you could recognise that is pointing you in the correct direction. You’ll get there. Maybe not right away. Maybe not today. But if you choose to continue, you’ll find your way.

She’s finding her sparkle ✨️ Life is the journey but you’re in control of where it takes you.

I’m not going to chase a version of me that made me unhappy and very very sick.

I’m not going to chase the girl who will ‘may be happy when she loses weight’ or ‘doesn’t NEED the chocolate’.

That version has been outlived. It’s out of date. It’s been updated. A new version, with different focuses and goals and qualities.

Im just……. Different!

The people around me are enjoying my company. They aren’t ‘walking on egg shells’.

I’m staying! I’m only going to get better, never stepping backwards to the past.

The past is done and although it made me stronger and resilient, I will never repeat the circumstances i put myself in.

This girl? She’s the truest version of HERSELF!

My bucket list (13/05/25)

Next 6 weeks

• Move community mental health teams ✔️

Independent living

• 1 month in my flat ✅️
• 3 months in my flat
• 6 months in my flat
• 9 months in my flat
• 1 year in my flat

Hospital admission free

• 10 weeks out of hospital
• 6 months out of hospital
• 1 year out of hospital

Get them done and tick them off!

I don’t think you know the extent to which you’ve turned things around.

I don’t think you’ve allowed yourself to acknowledge your progress.

Have you stopped to see where you are?

You’re living independently, in your own flat, self admistering your daily meds, youve gained full capacity to make decisions around your care.

You were once the girl who lived in hospitals for months at a time.

The girl who denied her body the nutrition to live off.

The girl who felt like she shouldn’t exist.

You have changed that!

You’ve accepted support, listened and take on advice and made the choice to continue.

Keep going!

Some days I can’t find one thing I like about myself.

Some days it’s harder to keep going.

Some days I question why I’m trying so hard.

But!

Other days, I won’t have any thoughts of relapse.

Other days I feel confident in my appearance, my achievements and my ability to continue the work that seemed hard, almost impossible to keep going with everyday, but why would I stop now?

Why would I give it all up?

My flat?

My freedom?

My independence?

My whole recovery?

What would be the point?

I’d have to start again at some point, so why don’t I just keep going now that I’ve got the starting point done?

Keep at it!

Did you ever think you’d be living in a flat?

Did you ever think you’d be living alone?

No?

Why not?

You’re more than capable, my friend! You gotta believe in yourself!

What else will you discover throughout recovery, I wonder?

The World is at your fingertips.

If you want it bad enough, you’ll make it happen!

Recovery Bucket List

● move into own flat

●6 months risk free

●6 months out of hospital

● finish psychology courses

● 6 months living independently

● officially not meeting mental health diagnosis criteria

●Discharge from mental health services

One month ago, I was given a choice. A choice to change my direction. To change my circumstances. To continue on the path I had started and taken a wrong turn.

It’s led me to have a lot of dark days. This new direction, this glow I’m headed towards, is going to help me find my sparkle that I have lost for way too long now.

I’ve been taking it a day at a time, so I don’t look too far ahead. But I’m ready for month by month now. I’m ready to conquer this path that’s defeated me over and over again.

Not this time!!!

Just you watch!

This is my 1 month out of hospital celebration 🍾

11 more to go!

What if I gain weight?

What if you need further intervention due to losing weight?

But what if I lose control?

What if you gain back control and take charge?

Then what if I can’t manage?

What if I can’t keep it up?

What if I stumble again?

My darling, if you stumble, you regain your balance and continue on the road.

What if you gain back life through restoring your weight?

What if accomplish everything, everyone thought would never be possible?

What if you manage better than you once imagined?

What if you make the end of everyday your daily milestone every day to keep you accountable for your actions?

What if I fall?

But dear…..

What if you fly!

23rd April 2025