It has required a lot of support, intervention, and boundaries to get this far.
But I’ve overcome so much throughout the journey. And that’s not how I have viewed it in the past.
Up until recently, I’ve not been able to see any hope.
I was stopping myself from thinking about my future, what it might look like, and how I planned it for the weeks and months ahead.
Things are changing. Nothing has just clicked or had it’s time to just switch, but things are becoming different.
My mindset, while still fluctuating with ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’, is allowing me to think about my achievements so far, as each day is unique and comes with challenges of it’s own.
I’m managing right now.
Managing to understand and accept my thoughts as what they are.
They no longer become me. But they are still there and might always be.
Im living alongside them.
That’s not something I’ve done before, I don’t think.
When I reflect, I often dont think of my achievements.
Recently, I’ve noticed the thoughts shifting.
I’ve wondered when it happened… What clicked to make such a big impact?
Once upon a time, I didn’t think I’d survive. I didn’t see a future. I had lost all my hope. My sparkle was barely existing. I couldn’t find any reason to continue.
Although I felt incredibly lost and as if my life was pointless, I kept going. Multiple risk incidents and hospital admissions for treatment to stop attempts from taking my life later, I am still here. I’m gaining my glow, which has been dimmed and hidden for weeks. I see a little light again.
5 months discharged from my most recent psych admission. It hasn’t come without its struggles. But the reality is that although interventions to reduce risk have occurred since my stay in hospital, š„ I haven’t been readmitted. That’s not to say I haven’t needed it at times, because I’ve been very close.
A lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same.
I’ll continue on my journey no matter what happens next. I’ve reached my limits, I’ve learnt to set boundaries, and I will follow whatever path is made for me. I trust I’ll make decisions every single day that will support my recovery.
A revolving door. It almost felt easier to stay in there. More restrictions, less control. Reduced risk. That was the outcome we had hoped would last and continue when moved into the community again… We were all very wrong! Writing that sentence you’ve noticed You did a long sigh… but you read it again. This time, a proud little smile forms. You’re realising something…
You have achieved something that You thought was impossible. You’re managing without the support and safety of a psych unit. You don’t need to be forced into recovery anymore. You are CHOOSING recovery. That smile has turned upside down a few times. Support has been needed, and risk behaviours have taken place.
But you’re bouncing back. Your noticing and identifying risk factors.
They may still happen. We can’t say they won’t because with Borderline Personality Disorder comes unpredictability and impulsiveness.These characteristics can be managed and lived with alongside.
Rhiannon, i think you expected your diagnosis to disappear so you could claim the title of “Recovered.” It was as if you wanted to feel different within the exact second of the announcement.
That was just how you felt, though. It wasn’t the reality. You’re learning that.
You haven’t been defeated or destroyed. You have slipped, fallen, and questioned whether to continue. You will make that same decision tomorrow, multiple times, sometimes on a daily basis.
Keep making slow and steady progress. Each moment, one at a time.
Things are hard. But they’ve been worse than this in the past. You can get through this, I know you can. You keep smiling, girl. You need to keep going. It’s so hard, I totally get that. But right now, surviving is the only thing you need to do. Until each moment seems more manageable. Take your time. Don’t rush. Let yourself feel whatever comes up. But remember, you CAN do this. You CAN survive. Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle or take away that glow you’ve worked so hard to gain back. Nothing is gained by letting others take away your glow. Because it’s yours. It’s unique and full of what YOU need, not others. Your story doesn’t have to continue in the same way it has these past few weeks. Yes, you may feel weak, and like life is crumbling beneath your feet. But with each step, with the support of others, as well as your inner strength, progress can be made. Nothing in your life is worth you continuing to feel this low. You dont deserve this. No one does or ever will. That also doesn’t make what you are feeling wrong.
So, this morning, don’t allow yourself to be swallowed up by your mental pain. Instead, get out of bed, wash away your worries for the day ahead, open the curtains, and take in the sunlight. Take a breath.
It’s all in your mindset. It’s in the way you think about things. The choices you make. The way you react, behave, and value yourself in life are all things that show what is important to you. Time passes by, so make every second count. Tomorrow will be a better day, if that’s what you choose. If you live in the past, nothing will change for the better. Things will stay the same.
Are you somewhere in your life that you would like to maintain? Would you like anything to change? Right now, is this moment sustainable for the rest of your life? Would you be living with regrets if you continued like this? Are you willing to make one positive change that could be the difference in your whole future?
Fading. Feeling dreated, Tears, angry shouting, and self-harm thoughts and actions.
This isn’t the life you want Rhiannon. You want to feel “better’ or “well” but all in a moment! Change doesn’t happen with an exact time frame. Coming down to self-care and continuously ticking off the essentials on your to-do list, and feeling satisfied with what you’ve done at the end of each day.
Wherever you are now, choose to continue. Continue with the daily essentials.
Something in my complicated life needs to change.
When I implement a change, it seems pointless to try, impossible to overcome and get through.
DESPITE IT ALL, YOU ARE STILL HERE! You’re not who you were a few months ago. Relapses have taken up a lot of the month of June and July. August started with harm, trauma and a lot of pain. But you feel a little glow not necessarily through physical appearance. You have got to bounce. I’ve got the skills. You can weigh up the pros and cons. Self-soothing and mindful breathing. These things seem so simple, yet in a crisis period, they are almost too overwhelming.
You have taken a blast. Something that was made to destroy you. You’ve lost your purpose because you find yourself at a low point in your life. The first step is the hardest.
IT WILL GET EASIER! Trust me. If you can’t find the little hope in your heart that will carry you through the next challenges, I will hold on for you.
Although you have had hard days, leading to hospital admissions, inpatient stays, and medication reviews, you have smiled while in a hostel. You’ve been accepted for the Open University. You’re achieving so much that you don’t give yourself the praise for it.
Life happens, it continues. So we’re in the new month, August 2025. Let us be determined, be stronger, and more open to facing changes. When I re-read that sentence, I realised I’ve always wanted to support others in the same ways I’ve found myself struggling. I want to be the person. I so desperately needed in my life, who understood, appreciated little wins, and showed my recovery IS possible.
Noticing that change needs to happen doesn’t suddenly ‘become’. It doesn’t happen i a moment or a complete rest in a split second. Progress means you show up every single day. Progress is getting through the hard days and still smiling.
Your feelings are completely and 100% valid, because they are yours. So don’t push them down any deeper. Fish them out and allow yourself to feel how you feel. Maybe not saying it out loud, but instead trusting yourself and believing it. You feel you are wrong. They are personal and belong to you.
Hold on to the glimmer. That little glow of light, and with the support of everyone around you, you will get through this.
I am not the girl who forced physical pain upon herself to dull the mental pain.
I am not the girl who denied herself the permission to eat.
I am not the girl who was in and out of hospitals, with support living placements breaking down every few weeks.
Although my identity isn’t created by my difficult past, my mental health affects me every single day.
Im not writing this to gain your pity, but instead, I’d like to remind you that hard days exist for everyone. That doesn’t make it who they are. The same as your weight doesn’t define you as a person.
Theres conditions we learn to live alongside. Things that are a part of our everyday life, but they do not become us.
When we understand who we are, our values, our personality, special interests and hobbies, and even triggers, difficulties, and coping skills, then we become who we were meant to be.
It takes time to discover what matters in life.
But having the insight of who you are as a person, that is a very open question. No one else can write your story. You are the author of each and every chapter.
There will be chapters in your story that you have to close. Some will be left unfinished. But a new one always starts, and life will continue to happen.
When i think about my life as a story, I feel a mixture of pride and defeat.
Im not where I thought i would be. Life has thrown some curveballs, and I’ve barely missed. I now understand that they were lessons to make me stronger.
Although life happens, and we can’t control the future, I now know that im not who I have been in the past. I’ve grown, flourished, got stronger mentally, and will continue to each day.
I don’t see progress because often, when I look back and then see where I am now, i feel like im no further forward in my recovery.
No difference.
Same struggles.
Wasting time and throwing away my life.
But I HAVE changed. Progress doesn’t have to always show on the outside, on the physical appearance, to be a conformation of change.
Sometimes, from the outside, we can’t see anything different.
When we reflect, though, and look at the mental strength that we go forward with every day…. that gets us through hard days…. that mental strength wasn’t strong enough 1 year ago. 1 year ago, you would have broken down, tears, anger, defeat, and self-destruction. You crumbled a year ago. You crumbled into pieces and couldn’t pick yourself up.
Now? You’re still standing. Sometimes, you need to rest and offload your worries to others who can bear the extra weight for a while, just until you find the strength again. And then you’re back. You’re on your feet again and facing moment by moment until it doesn’t seem so hard.
You are not who you were a year ago.
You have not given up.
You’ve simply stumbled and taken a harder fall.
But you’re up again.
You will continue to climb the mountain. To write your story.
You will allow yourself to feel progress and not just search for a physical difference.
You don’t know how you’ve survived this week. There were too many close calls.
There have been too many risks taken and impulsive decisions.
We’ve had to start over.
This doesn’t mean our recovery is back to having nothing… no positives, nothing that matters in life.
It does mean, however, that we’re at a point where change is the only option.
Bouncing in and out of hospital, through services, while telling different versions of what’s going on, and then in turn, not knowing yourself what’s most true, convincing ourselves we’ll be ok, but yet the thoughts take over our heads and we act on urges… It’s not sustainable or gaining anything positive. It’s putting you deeper into the dark, black hole that’s been created too quickly.
Don’t give up on your life.
You have continuously slipped up, fallen down, and reached the lowest of lows that you thought weren’t possible to get to. You have felt every emotion possible. But there is still more to come.
You need to turn this around not quickly or suddenly or all at once. You need to do something different. You need to comply with your recovery, as hard as it may be. You need to act opposite to action urges. You need to make something different happen.
So, although you may not be at day 1 because your journey started many years ago, and nothing can restart that journey and it will continue, you are starting recovery again.
DAY ONE
03/08/25
Let’s make this time the last one to be back to the start. Let’s do this together.
Accept support.
Choose honesty.
Realise where these past few days, weeks, and even months have got you. Are you proud of where it’s put you? Or do you need to relearn the skills that got you to the most positive you’ve ever been in? It’s not all or nothing. It doesn’t need to be black and white. Find your balance. Continue with your life as it comes. Moment by moment. Day by day. Until each little step feels a little more bearable. Manage a little more with no pressure. But don’t let your head put you off.
Create YOUR life worth living. Not one that others prepare have to for you.
You’ve hit burnout. You’re emotionally exhausted and detached from your own body. You’re not whole right now.
Will this thought serve you? Will you gain anything from it? What is its purpose or function? Will it be beneficial to hold onto this thought?
When you ask yourself these questions, be totally honest. You may have the misperception that the thought is going to benefit or reduce risk. You may think that because it crops up so often that its ‘normal’. Your brain can tell you alot of things, some of which are lies. Some that lead to mistrust, pushing loved ones away, or causing harm to yourself. Mental illness is invisible. Its not like you can’t see suicidal thoughts when they’re processing. You can’t know by looking at someone that they have been suffering for weeks with mood instability… Thought processes can be rewired… retrained. Actions that hurt you, or have negative impacts also come with alternatives. The choice you make comes from you alone. Choices and actions and behaviours all come after a thought. Although situations can feel impulsive, a thought always comes first. And that means there is a choice being made whether its negative or positive. Life will continue. Actions and behaviours will take place, but everything is influenced by how we engage after a thought.
Im not going to tell you it will be easy, cause I’d be lying. But if you told me even just a year ago that I’d be living on my own, managing medication independently, using public transport every week, and studying… I wouldn’t believe you! Things have changed. But I can’t really pinpoint what made it different this time. I’ve trialled these same living arrangements back a few years ago, and they were detrimental to my health and to my relationship with those I love. Maybe it’s because I know it’s all my choice. I have to make the decision to show up every day. I know what makes me unwell and what actually helps. But the thing that stands out is my resilience! My capacity to withstand all barriers and difficulties is still shining! Im still standing!!! Still fighting!!! In fact, it doesn’t feel like a fight anymore. It feels like something i know i NEED to do, to feel well, stay safe, and create a life worth living. That didn’t happen overnight. But im aware that I look forward to each day and feel satisfied at the end of them.
Now, if that’s not healing, then I don’t know what is. It may not be perfect, but im healing.
But why? Why do bad things happen? Why do I feel so unhappy? Why do people suffer? Why am I sick? Why?
I just want you to know im going to stay with you through everything that is happening. Positive, negative and everything in between. Bad things happen to make us stronger. They give us the courage to see our circumstances from a different perspective.
You feel unhappy. Unhappiness is a very valid emotion. No matter what others feel or however they react, doesn’t take away from your personal experience of the same. Sickness isnt chosen. The same way it can’t often be avoided. But it doesn’t have to make you suffer.
You’re sick. You don’t want to be sick and definitely didnt choose it. But the bottom line is that youre sick. Accepting that is a very difficult task. It feels wrong in many ways to accept illness as it is. But the comfort is knowing that feelings pass. Emotions change and so does mental wellbeing.
Just know that this too shall pass. No matter how worthless, pointless and impossible it may feel right now, you are worthy of recovery, you make a difference in this world just by being alive and nothing is impossible until we give up. Nothing changes if nothing changes and there is a life beyond mental struggles.
Im here for you. Lean on me for support. Im not going anywhere. And if you feel youre losing hope, I’ll give you some of mine, so you can keep going and get stronger. Cry, let it out, it okay. I am listening. I feel your pain. Honestly, I know the feeling, but this is not the end. This is a hard chapter of your story, that seems to have hit rock bottom. The good thing about hitting rock bottom…. the only way is up from there.
Life is hard right now. The glow you once had has got lost amongst your struggles and challenges. You see no hope. The light has dimmed, and you can’t find your way out of this deep, black hole. Although you want things to stop, for the torture to be over, to feel nothing, you still have a part of you who is fighting for the life that you are told is worth living. You are creating that life with the little strength you have left. The courage to take things an hour at a time is just enough to keep you from giving up completely. You’re not living right now, but managing to survive each moment, one at a time. You are capable of creating the life that you’re working so hard to keep alive. You’re not focusing on staying alive because that feels overwhelming right now. Instead, you’re turning your attention to the necessary. The things that make each moment tolerable. To keep you surviving until living becomes manageable and possibly not as hard. It seems you have alot to live for on the outside, the people around you want you to stay in this world, so maybe you can hold on for the people who need you, just for now. Living because you want to live seems out of reach. But slowly, with steady progress, you will gain your glow back, things will become that little bit brighter. All will fall into place, my dear. Trust the process and slow everything down.
Appreciating the rock bottom feeling that has already been experienced means that the only way to go from here is forward. No matter how slow. No matter what comes your way, you have been at the lowest of lows already, so things can get better if that is what you choose.
One small, steady step forward is still progress. It’s a step in the direction of recovery. I admire your strength and determination to make a complete change of circumstances overnight, but with many little wins come big wins. Patience. Time heals. Don’t expect everything to be different within a moment.
Understanding what you once struggled with, the difficulties that you faced, and realising they have got that little bit easier, is massive progress. Firstly, admitting to your struggles, then identifying the difference from then to now, that can’t be easy. But digging deeper into what made you struggle, the contributing factors, environmental, social, personal, physical – these all are applied to how much we struggle. When we have no idea at the time, it’s even more important to reflect on what helped, what positive changes were made to get out of the deep difficulties you were facing.
What we truly feel, positively or negatively, shapes how we feel towards the same or similar circumstances. If it feels good for others, that doesn’t need to change how you struggle with the same thing. Individual feelings, thoughts, opinions, judgements… they all come with differences. Nothing you feel EVER has to feel wrong.
19/07/2025
Do what’s needed… what’s necessary to get yourself into a more stable, healthy mental state.
Slow progress is still progress. Allow yourself the time to achieve the smallest of tasks that feel the most difficult at this time. You’re exhausted. You feel like you have lost everything… your sparkle, your glow, your smile, and your courage to keep going. Yet despite it all, you got up this morning, attending and engaged in therapy, collect your medication, and came home again to have a shower. These things may seem like nothing too difficult, but they have used all your energy, mentally and physically. Today was not nothing. It wasn’t just another day you survived. Today, you attended to some self care and proved to yourself you’re still trying. You weren’t trying to show anyone else but yourself what you’re capable of on harder days. You’re growing mentally again, because you’re giving yourself what you have needed for months….. TIME!
Healing takes time. It’s not about getting back what you had and more in less than the time that’s expected. It’s not about being better than before things got hard and fell apart. There’s no pressure or time frame for healing. It is completely up to the circumstances and the individual. Understanding and accepting that healing comes with the bad days aswell as all the good milestones. Life can’t be straightforward. Life isn’t linear. It comes with bumps and bends and diversions. Sometimes things have to change unexpectedly, but acknowledging change and challenges is part of the process. Healing will not make you into the person you were before. You will learn and become a different person with skills you didn’t have previously. You will be a version of yourself who hasn’t been present in the past. Healing takes patience. There’s no overnight fix. No matter what, take each day as a second chance to try again. It won’t remove your progress. It won’t erase all the positive milestones that now seem pointless. You are still Healing, as you were yesterday, or a week ago or a month. Nothing can take away the past. It’s yours. You lived it. But you’ve got a choice… You can live in the past, with the same behaviours and spiralling mindset, or you can heal. You can give yourself the care and attention you deserve and need in this moment, and allow yourself to just be. No rules. No expectations.
Do you believe in full recovery? It’s something I’ve wanted for so long. I’ve never really thought of my mental health as just another thing that makes me unique. I’ve never viewed it as a strength… Something I’m proud of myself for getting this far with. I’m not going to lie and say it has been straightforward. But today, I am allowing myself to believe that things get better.
No matter what your head is telling you, whether it’s to feel guilty for having a little happiness moment or not thinking about self-destruction, you survived that feeling. The feeling of happiness was maybe overruled by guilt, but it took a moment in time to be felt. That’s a moment longer than you felt last week.
You’ve gone through so much that is brushed off as if it’s nothing. Labelled in your head as harm that was deserved. You minimize your victories.
Don’t expect your life to change overnight. Every day is another chance to keep proving you are committed to recovery. I’m not saying the bigger milestones lose value, but be proud of getting to the end of another day. That felt impossible, once upon a time.
Love the life you’re living right now, because every moment we live to regret is one we can’t relearn to love. It’s over before we know it’s happened.
You may have come across this post accidently. There may be no meaning to what you’re about to encounter. So let me tell you something before you decide not to read any further…
You are capable of ANYTHING you put your mind to.
You have lots of different choices to make every single day. You can choose from options you don’t even notice you have until they’re taken away.
My experience with choice is going to be different from others. Choice was taken away from me for so long. Until I made the decision to regain the little control that I still had.
Rewind to 2023, I was discharged from my 3 year treatment admission where I lost everything and gained it all back, plus more.
Although we’re now in 2025, I’d like to celebrate with anyone who has read this far.
You can achieve amazing things. No matter how small they seem, how dark life gets, how impossible things feel, you have a choice. And you are capable of making a change. Just like I did.
I continue to make my choices every day. Some more positive than others. But this is a reminder that anything you choose to do, say, think? That comes from you. You can be led to believe, persuaded, and convinced of things that aren’t true, aren’t factual, and aren’t the reality we are living, but that doesn’t have to sway us to negative choices.
I’ve been out of the hospital exactly 100 days. That means I’ve made the choice to ask for help when it’s needed, accept support, acknowledge when things are hard, and understand what decisions could lead to my mental health deteriorating.
100 DAYS!
You are capable, my friend.
You are stronger than any negative thought or urge.
I am so damn proud of you for making it this far.
I hope you see a little glow starting to sparkle and shimmer in the distance.
Chase your dreams.
Believe you can do anything you put your mind to.
Because you’ve got the strength.
You’re light is still shining. It’s just been dimmed a little with so much going on in your life.
We can undo the past, but we can start to live in the present in order to support our future.
Here’s the things, you’ll not feel 100% ready all of the time.
You’ll not feel happy, excited, and hopeful every single morning when you wake up.
When you realise your coursework has been returned with the required amendments to make.
When you get a text to say your plans with your friend are cancelled last minute.
The reason im saying this is because I’ve gone through my recovery up to now feeling like it I’m not actively trying and putting an effort into being around people, treating myself a little bit, doing things that physically I know I’m doing then I’ll not make progress.
Truth is, I have wanted to see physical signs of progress and happiness and recovery. When actually, my mindset gets more positive every day, I think clearly and have no thoughts of relapse or heading into crisis. These aren’t things you can hold or physically see.
But they make such a difference in the direction our mind goes.
When exploring about this on a deeper level, I know I can become impulsive and from what seems like getting out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning, turns into a hospital admission and crisis response getting involved, things need to stay level with me.
I’ve never really let go of ALL behaviours that I have picked up along my journey. Some don’t have the same difficulties arise when engaged in anymore, but until now I honestly have held on tightly to the thought of, “maybe it’ll help me this time,” or “i keep it close just incase I need it”. As much as I hate to admit it, this is my last hurdle to leap over and move on from.
Society these days isn’t the most positive. Negativity, judgement, comparison. I’ve fallen for it… for too long. I thought I’d never be ready to let go. I thought I’d not want to be separated from this one behaviour. It felt comfortable to have. Too comfortable, perhaps. I’ve copied others, 5 compared myself to the lives of people I don’t know personally, and it’s destructive. It’s not helpful. Never has been and never will be, so why hold on?
Let it go!
Rhiannon, you’ve got through so much and feeling ‘ready’ will never happen. Bite the bullet and just get rid. Go on! Do it! Tomorrow will be another day and you’ll want to keep saying, ‘maybe tomorrow’. It will never come.
The World won’t stop turning.
Time won’t stand still.
Your life will just continue and you will thank yourself for taking this step with such courage and determination.
Well, the definition of freedom is, ‘ Freely making decisions based on your personal values and beliefs. It is no fear of judgement from others and setting no expectations.’
The expectations we have are often based on the opinions of others, or the assumed views that the people we love and look up to, will be negative. We associate our fears of rejection with ‘not being good enough’. The truth is, we won’t ever feel good enough if we chase satisfaction through values which aren’t our own. By doing things for our own happiness, we find so much more fulfilment in the moments and the process of becoming who we are proud of. Progress doesn’t become visible by changing our body, or wearing the clothes that are deemed ‘fashionable’. Progress shows in the smallest of things, such as the smile to a stranger, saying hello to an old friend, or letting someone know they’re loved by so many.
Freedom is the same, in many ways. It is more than a feeling of understanding yourself ad what has got you feeling trapped. It’s more than just knowing boundaries. It’s about putting into practice what you discover makes you happy. It’s giving yourself the time to appreciate the things in your own life, while not basing your approval on what others think.
Freedom, for me, is letting go of the past version of myself, but continuing to take on board the lessons she learned, throughout her challenges and past defeats. Changing the way I think about my future also brings me comfort in knowing I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I have come a long way, and I assist my recovery by my daily choices. I know that freedom is getting closer.
It won’t be a moment passing and I have suddenly found freedom. It doesn’t happen in a moment. But it is a continuous choice that can’t be lacking. It requires sustained effort, and the process will have it’s dips. You know yourself the best. You have the perfect understanding of your own personal growth, what has changed, what needs to change and how to go about it. Change is a scary concept. But our perspective at the beginning of anything we take on in life, shows how capable we are of achieving our dreams.
You know there is a difference in having a bad day, and becoming deeply depressed? I’ve always though that my bad days were all a part of my depressive disorder, or my BPD. Until I attended my first day of a 14 week course in mental health, wellbeing and building resilience. I have learnt today, the common misconception that if I end the day in tears, it doesn’t automatically become linked to my a mood disorder. A part of it can be related if the sadness becomes a persistent part of my daily life and affects my everyday functioning, but when I feel tired, when I’m maybe coming up to my monthly cycle, when I’m feeling nervous about meeting a new mental health keyworker, they are all very normal, understandable things to use up emotions.
And although I have desperately wanted things to keep going absolutely brilliantly 100% of every single day, and then BAMMMMMMMMM!!!!! I’m hit with physical pain, or a sudden change to routine, and I suddenly think, ‘I’m depressed again. I thought I was well. I thought I was recovered. Why does it never stay away?’ Truth is, a bad day doesn’t equal being mentally unwell. It means you’re body is feeling emotions, like everyone does.
I ‘ve been on the continuum of recovery for about 3 months now. I’m having monthly mental health appointments, and now I know, the bad days, have been just that! They haven’t been weeks of continuously sadness and outbursts, and self harm, leading to hospital visits or an increase in support being put in place. I am the furthest I’ve ever been from crisis or relapse. That is HUGE for me.
So today, I’m encouraging you to be proud of feeling the emotions you feel. It just means your body is responding to daily life. Be kind to yourself, ALWAYS.
Rhiannon! You made it to 3 months hospital free! You’re incredible! All your work, skills usage, and effort that you continuously put into every single day is so worth it! Every little niggly thought, trying to creep back in and take control away? You’ve fought them away, and you’ve achieved so much every time. Keep going! You’ve got this!
You haven’t given up, and you know it’s not even an option. Give yourself no choice but to continue. Your recovery will take you place you never thought possible! You thought you’d end up always letting your head win. But you’ve shown yourself your nit defined by a mental health diagnosis! It’s not going to become who you are, or what you’re known for!
When thinking about where I’ve been in the past, the life I thought I’d have, compared to the life im living now… I can’t quite believe the change.
I thought i wouldn’t survive. At many different points in my life, I didn’t want to survive. I wanted everything to just blackout and stop.
Im glad I stayed. Not because I have changed my mind, although this is very much true. But because I have got to experience things a lot of people don’t survive or go through. This is not comparing my life to others. Or being proud of the things i have done in the past. Im simply saying I can’t quite get my head around how much I want things to improve, since being so unwell. I have found a spark. A glow that I’m choosing to hold on to.
I don’t know what the future holds. Yes, im unpredictable.Ā But that isn’t WHO I’m am.
I may get short tempered. That is not WHO I am.
I am Rhiannon.
I am 24 years old.
I have, in the PAST, struggled with my mental health.
I am choosing recovery.
I have continued every single day for 100 days now, to keep myself safe, not because I have to, but because I want to.
I know now that i don’t need to self-sabotage, self-destruct, or punishment myself.
I know that I deserve to be kind to myself, to others, and to my future self – for she will thank me for it some day soon.
My past self may not have known that she would face so many trials and battles in her life, but she wouldn’t erase a single piece because it’s making her stronger, more resilient, and open-minded to what chamge can bring.
Change is hard for anyone. Taking mental health, bereavement, and self hatred, and you could get a life like I did. But becoming the person I am now has been worth everything I have been through. My journey isn’t over. My recovery will be on-going until it doesn’t feel like I need to make it as a choice. It will become less than even a thought.
Until that day comes, which i feel is not far away, I will keep staying safe, keep showing up every day, and giving 100% to recovery.
If I can help, even just one person with what I say and have gotten through, then it’s worth it.
I don’t take credit for every part of my recovery. Some parts were not my choice. I was too unwell to get through at times. On days, life just felt impossible, yet here I am, saying the words, ‘I have survived’.
And those words will only grow each day into,’ I have recovered’.
