Healing takes time. It’s not about getting back what you had and more in less than the time that’s expected. It’s not about being better than before things got hard and fell apart.
There’s no pressure or time frame for healing. It is completely up to the circumstances and the individual.
Understanding and accepting that healing comes with the bad days aswell as all the good milestones.
Life can’t be straightforward. Life isn’t linear. It comes with bumps and bends and diversions. Sometimes things have to change unexpectedly, but acknowledging change and challenges is part of the process.
Healing will not make you into the person you were before. You will learn and become a different person with skills you didn’t have previously. You will be a version of yourself who hasn’t been present in the past.
Healing takes patience. There’s no overnight fix. No matter what, take each day as a second chance to try again. It won’t remove your progress. It won’t erase all the positive milestones that now seem pointless. You are still Healing, as you were yesterday, or a week ago or a month.
Nothing can take away the past. It’s yours. You lived it.
But you’ve got a choice…
You can live in the past, with the same behaviours and spiralling mindset, or you can heal. You can give yourself the care and attention you deserve and need in this moment, and allow yourself to just be.
No rules. No expectations.
Category: Flawed, but still proud
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It is time to heal
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Allowing yourself to believe
Do you believe in full recovery? It’s something I’ve wanted for so long. I’ve never really thought of my mental health as just another thing that makes me unique. I’ve never viewed it as a strength… Something I’m proud of myself for getting this far with. I’m not going to lie and say it has been straightforward. But today, I am allowing myself to believe that things get better.
No matter what your head is telling you, whether it’s to feel guilty for having a little happiness moment or not thinking about self-destruction, you survived that feeling. The feeling of happiness was maybe overruled by guilt, but it took a moment in time to be felt. That’s a moment longer than you felt last week.
You’ve gone through so much that is brushed off as if it’s nothing. Labelled in your head as harm that was deserved. You minimize your victories.
Don’t expect your life to change overnight. Every day is another chance to keep proving you are committed to recovery. I’m not saying the bigger milestones lose value, but be proud of getting to the end of another day. That felt impossible, once upon a time.
Love the life you’re living right now, because every moment we live to regret is one we can’t relearn to love. It’s over before we know it’s happened.
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You are capable
Dear reader,
You may have come across this post accidently. There may be no meaning to what you’re about to encounter. So let me tell you something before you decide not to read any further…
You are capable of ANYTHING you put your mind to.
You have lots of different choices to make every single day. You can choose from options you don’t even notice you have until they’re taken away.
My experience with choice is going to be different from others. Choice was taken away from me for so long. Until I made the decision to regain the little control that I still had.
Rewind to 2023, I was discharged from my 3 year treatment admission where I lost everything and gained it all back, plus more.
Although we’re now in 2025, I’d like to celebrate with anyone who has read this far.
You can achieve amazing things. No matter how small they seem, how dark life gets, how impossible things feel, you have a choice. And you are capable of making a change. Just like I did.
I continue to make my choices every day. Some more positive than others. But this is a reminder that anything you choose to do, say, think? That comes from you. You can be led to believe, persuaded, and convinced of things that aren’t true, aren’t factual, and aren’t the reality we are living, but that doesn’t have to sway us to negative choices.
I’ve been out of the hospital exactly 100 days. That means I’ve made the choice to ask for help when it’s needed, accept support, acknowledge when things are hard, and understand what decisions could lead to my mental health deteriorating.
100 DAYS!
You are capable, my friend.
You are stronger than any negative thought or urge.
I am so damn proud of you for making it this far.
I hope you see a little glow starting to sparkle and shimmer in the distance.
Chase your dreams.
Believe you can do anything you put your mind to.
Because you’ve got the strength.
You’re light is still shining. It’s just been dimmed a little with so much going on in your life.
We can undo the past, but we can start to live in the present in order to support our future.
Keep going!
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Let it go
Let it go, my friend.
It’s serving you no purpose.
It brings heartache and sadness.
Nothing good is coming from keeping it close.
Let go.
Don’t think about it any longer, because your head will find another lie, another excuse to hold on tight.
The first step is the hardest.
Understand that it is not making you even the slightest bit happier.
In fact, it is keeping you stuck, almost buried.
You’ve chosen recovery, so why does this feel so hard to disconnect with?
Honestly, its become more than just a habit.
You’re not giving it a second thought before acting on the behaviour, and it’s becoming more comfortable each day, even when it brings you to tears.
You know it’s unhealthy and yet you can’t stop… or are you choosing not to?
Can you put all your strength and mental energy into getting rid of this?
Can you try your hardest until it doesn’t need thought about?
It will become less and less important.
It will fade.
One day, you’ll be reading this, and you’ll realise that you were holding on to something that was don’t more harm than you were aware of.
It was destroying your recovery.
You’ll be glad you made the decision today, I promise.
Rhiannon, you’re capable of amazing things.
This is dimming your glow.
It’s time to get that glow back, girl!
Lots of love ❤️
03/07/25
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Feeling Ready
Here’s the things, you’ll not feel 100% ready all of the time.
You’ll not feel happy, excited, and hopeful every single morning when you wake up.
When you realise your coursework has been returned with the required amendments to make.
When you get a text to say your plans with your friend are cancelled last minute.
The reason im saying this is because I’ve gone through my recovery up to now feeling like it I’m not actively trying and putting an effort into being around people, treating myself a little bit, doing things that physically I know I’m doing then I’ll not make progress.
Truth is, I have wanted to see physical signs of progress and happiness and recovery. When actually, my mindset gets more positive every day, I think clearly and have no thoughts of relapse or heading into crisis. These aren’t things you can hold or physically see.
But they make such a difference in the direction our mind goes.
When exploring about this on a deeper level, I know I can become impulsive and from what seems like getting out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning, turns into a hospital admission and crisis response getting involved, things need to stay level with me.
I’ve never really let go of ALL behaviours that I have picked up along my journey. Some don’t have the same difficulties arise when engaged in anymore, but until now I honestly have held on tightly to the thought of, “maybe it’ll help me this time,” or “i keep it close just incase I need it”. As much as I hate to admit it, this is my last hurdle to leap over and move on from.
Society these days isn’t the most positive. Negativity, judgement, comparison. I’ve fallen for it… for too long. I thought I’d never be ready to let go. I thought I’d not want to be separated from this one behaviour. It felt comfortable to have. Too comfortable, perhaps. I’ve copied others, 5 compared myself to the lives of people I don’t know personally, and it’s destructive. It’s not helpful. Never has been and never will be, so why hold on?
Let it go!
Rhiannon, you’ve got through so much and feeling ‘ready’ will never happen. Bite the bullet and just get rid. Go on! Do it! Tomorrow will be another day and you’ll want to keep saying, ‘maybe tomorrow’. It will never come.
The World won’t stop turning.
Time won’t stand still.
Your life will just continue and you will thank yourself for taking this step with such courage and determination.
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Feeling Free-er Than Free
What defines feeling ‘free’?
Well, the definition of freedom is, ‘ Freely making decisions based on your personal values and beliefs. It is no fear of judgement from others and setting no expectations.’
The expectations we have are often based on the opinions of others, or the assumed views that the people we love and look up to, will be negative. We associate our fears of rejection with ‘not being good enough’. The truth is, we won’t ever feel good enough if we chase satisfaction through values which aren’t our own. By doing things for our own happiness, we find so much more fulfilment in the moments and the process of becoming who we are proud of. Progress doesn’t become visible by changing our body, or wearing the clothes that are deemed ‘fashionable’. Progress shows in the smallest of things, such as the smile to a stranger, saying hello to an old friend, or letting someone know they’re loved by so many.
Freedom is the same, in many ways. It is more than a feeling of understanding yourself ad what has got you feeling trapped. It’s more than just knowing boundaries. It’s about putting into practice what you discover makes you happy. It’s giving yourself the time to appreciate the things in your own life, while not basing your approval on what others think.
Freedom, for me, is letting go of the past version of myself, but continuing to take on board the lessons she learned, throughout her challenges and past defeats. Changing the way I think about my future also brings me comfort in knowing I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I have come a long way, and I assist my recovery by my daily choices. I know that freedom is getting closer.
It won’t be a moment passing and I have suddenly found freedom. It doesn’t happen in a moment. But it is a continuous choice that can’t be lacking. It requires sustained effort, and the process will have it’s dips. You know yourself the best. You have the perfect understanding of your own personal growth, what has changed, what needs to change and how to go about it. Change is a scary concept. But our perspective at the beginning of anything we take on in life, shows how capable we are of achieving our dreams.
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Staying On The Continuum
26/06/25
You know there is a difference in having a bad day, and becoming deeply depressed? I’ve always though that my bad days were all a part of my depressive disorder, or my BPD. Until I attended my first day of a 14 week course in mental health, wellbeing and building resilience. I have learnt today, the common misconception that if I end the day in tears, it doesn’t automatically become linked to my a mood disorder. A part of it can be related if the sadness becomes a persistent part of my daily life and affects my everyday functioning, but when I feel tired, when I’m maybe coming up to my monthly cycle, when I’m feeling nervous about meeting a new mental health keyworker, they are all very normal, understandable things to use up emotions.
And although I have desperately wanted things to keep going absolutely brilliantly 100% of every single day, and then BAMMMMMMMMM!!!!! I’m hit with physical pain, or a sudden change to routine, and I suddenly think, ‘I’m depressed again. I thought I was well. I thought I was recovered. Why does it never stay away?’ Truth is, a bad day doesn’t equal being mentally unwell. It means you’re body is feeling emotions, like everyone does.
I ‘ve been on the continuum of recovery for about 3 months now. I’m having monthly mental health appointments, and now I know, the bad days, have been just that! They haven’t been weeks of continuously sadness and outbursts, and self harm, leading to hospital visits or an increase in support being put in place. I am the furthest I’ve ever been from crisis or relapse. That is HUGE for me.
So today, I’m encouraging you to be proud of feeling the emotions you feel. It just means your body is responding to daily life. Be kind to yourself, ALWAYS.
Stay safe, my lovelies.
Rhiannon Xx
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3 months out of hospital 🏥
Rhiannon! You made it to 3 months hospital free! You’re incredible! All your work, skills usage, and effort that you continuously put into every single day is so worth it! Every little niggly thought, trying to creep back in and take control away? You’ve fought them away, and you’ve achieved so much every time. Keep going! You’ve got this!
You haven’t given up, and you know it’s not even an option. Give yourself no choice but to continue. Your recovery will take you place you never thought possible! You thought you’d end up always letting your head win. But you’ve shown yourself your nit defined by a mental health diagnosis! It’s not going to become who you are, or what you’re known for!
Youre gonna go far, Rhiannon.
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Happiness is ALWAYS a good choice
When thinking about where I’ve been in the past, the life I thought I’d have, compared to the life im living now… I can’t quite believe the change.
I thought i wouldn’t survive. At many different points in my life, I didn’t want to survive. I wanted everything to just blackout and stop.
Im glad I stayed. Not because I have changed my mind, although this is very much true. But because I have got to experience things a lot of people don’t survive or go through. This is not comparing my life to others. Or being proud of the things i have done in the past. Im simply saying I can’t quite get my head around how much I want things to improve, since being so unwell. I have found a spark. A glow that I’m choosing to hold on to.
I don’t know what the future holds. Yes, im unpredictable. But that isn’t WHO I’m am.
I may get short tempered. That is not WHO I am.
I am Rhiannon.
I am 24 years old.
I have, in the PAST, struggled with my mental health.
I am choosing recovery.
I have continued every single day for 100 days now, to keep myself safe, not because I have to, but because I want to.
I know now that i don’t need to self-sabotage, self-destruct, or punishment myself.
I know that I deserve to be kind to myself, to others, and to my future self – for she will thank me for it some day soon.
My past self may not have known that she would face so many trials and battles in her life, but she wouldn’t erase a single piece because it’s making her stronger, more resilient, and open-minded to what chamge can bring.
Change is hard for anyone. Taking mental health, bereavement, and self hatred, and you could get a life like I did. But becoming the person I am now has been worth everything I have been through. My journey isn’t over. My recovery will be on-going until it doesn’t feel like I need to make it as a choice. It will become less than even a thought.
Until that day comes, which i feel is not far away, I will keep staying safe, keep showing up every day, and giving 100% to recovery.
If I can help, even just one person with what I say and have gotten through, then it’s worth it.
I don’t take credit for every part of my recovery. Some parts were not my choice. I was too unwell to get through at times. On days, life just felt impossible, yet here I am, saying the words, ‘I have survived’.
And those words will only grow each day into,’ I have recovered’.
Keep going; it gets better my lovelies.
Better AND worth it.
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3 months ago I made the choice to start fighting again…..
No regrets!
14/06/25
