Category: Flawed, but still proud

Remembering the life we’ve had,
The life that can’t be undone,
The people who are no longer here in person,
The opportunities missed,
We can’t change what’s happened to us,
What we’ve been through,
What we’ve battled and fought.

But right now,
We have the control to do something different,
To change how our story goes from now.

Maybe we haven’t accepted support in the past.
Maybe we have made choices we aren’t proud of.

If we could change something, what would it be?
Our friendships?
A destructive relationship?
A first encounter?
Or was the last one that we didn’t know was coming?

Would we change our attitudes?
Our perspectives?
Our judgements?

We can’t choose what happens in 10 years.
It hasnt happened yet.
We’ve no control of the future,
Of inevitable things.
We lack the capacity to change these things.

So why spend our time wishing?
Expecting change while not thinking or doing anything differently?

The choices we make right now determine the choices we have to make in the next moment.

What is for us won’t pass us.
What is meant to be will be.

There’s always a ‘what’s next?’ But this has been bringing you a lot of emotions due to pressure you put on yourself and stress that you assume will have the worst-case scenario.

There needs to be a time in your life that you live in the moment. Everything that is going to happen can’t be controlled right now.

Im not telling you not to worry about the future. Sometimes, it’s human instinct to worry. But when we can’t settle our minds from what could happen, we are living in what IS happening in life. We miss out on the beaming smiles, the belly laughs, the ‘first times’ and the ‘one offs’ that may not be experienced again. We lose the memories that can’t be re-lived.

Today is the 1st of September 2025, and I have spent it in a hospital admission.

I’ve used 8 months  of this year counting days that I’ve been out of hospital, risk-free, and in recovery, only to feel I’ve erased my progress each time I have a mental health wobble and start the counting again from day 1.

These last 8 months, I’ve been in recovery, out of recovery, in a major relapse, survived crisis points, and been inpatient multiple times.

This does NOT make me sicker than when I started. Life has been difficult, and now that I understand that what I thought would help has actually taken me a step backwards.

The progress I have made in the past doesn’t change. I have got through a lot. I’ve stumbled and crashed alot too.

My point is that nothing can take away what has already happened, and we can’t plan to perfection our future, so let’s live right here, right now.

I don’t know who needs to hear this.

Maybe you need the support given by saying, “it’ll be ok, just keep holding on.”

These small, yet very powerful words can save someone when they can’t save themselves.

IT WILL BE OKAY

Do you believe that? Do you truly and deeply feel that the path you are on in this moment, is the one that is made for your future? The one that’s going to help you grow, flourish and bloom?

When we look at our past, so often we can feel ashamed to see the level of anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, blame and the lies we tell.

When I look at my past, I don’t feel the same intensity of sadness I used to. It’s there, but I can notice the feeling of sadness and sit with it, as uncomfortable as it may be. Having the urge to change the feeling because it feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it won’t come back. You haven’t shown yourself that you can win the battle, so ultimately the feeling has won.

Many times in my life I’ve felt like things couldn’t get any worse. I feel I had adapted my bad days as my new normal, so nothing ever changed. It became a routine to just about survive minute by minute. Nothing was unfamiliar because I didn’t have the energy to be different in any aspect of my daily living.

Every time I get a glimmer of hope and a shimmer that something has shifted, the glow gets buried by other areas of life. It feels further and further away every time I lose it.

I want to tell you something…

I believe you’ll find your glow! It hasn’t disappeared. It’s just faded and dulled. But it has never not existed. How does that make you feel? Hopeful? Relieved? Focused? I don’t believe anyone is without a little shimmer. It may not be visible if you aren’t purposely looking for it. You are not without a glow! There is always ALWAYS hope, no matter what. The darkest of nights have to end and the sun rises again each morning, giving us the chance to start again.

Dear younger me,

You won’t expect everything you’re going to experience. You’ll not want to continue. It will feel impossible. It will feel like you’re failing at life. You will expect yourself to carry on. But it won’t be that simple. The amount of mental pain, the exhaustion, the reality of losing everything you are trying so hard to hold on to daily… it will feel easier to disappear. To not face the world. To escape.

But Rhiannon, the only way is through! You’re so fragile right now. You will be reduced to tiny little pieces in parts of this journey. It’s not something anyone deserves or would wish for.

Goals and expectations have played a part in your recovery. But they need to take up less time and effort right now because although they can be motivating, they can cause unnecessary pressure and stress.

When you realise you are worthy of a life free from rules, expectations, and detailed plans, you will truly feel a weight lifted from your shoulders.

Allow yourself time to heal. You’re not going to get better if you do everything all at once. Keep things day to day, moment by moment if needed. But slow down.

Pain is an uncomfortable thing to experience. It’s heavy, and it’s strong and overstimulating. For me, pain feels like I’m being set alight. The flames are burning, yet the only thing I do is let them burn. They attach themselves and spread over every inch of my body.
Pain has been in my life a lot lately. Maybe not visibly. But my head, my thoughts, my mind? They are on fire! The burning, the smoke, dark grey clouds of air consuming everything I am and have… my whole world is disintegrating moment by moment.
Pushing through this pain feels impossible. It feels pointless. It doesn’t feel worth getting through. What would change when I get through the flames when they stop igniting another corner of my world? How could I rebuild what I don’t think I’ll ever get back?
Right now, Rhiannon, you’re fighting the fire, and it’s catching on everything around you. This fire won’t be tamed, managed, and put out in just a day. It will have the power to destroy things you can’t get back. It will take away time, memories, and progress. But what matters right now is that you survive. Don’t give the fire any more fuel to become you.
You are not this exhausting, weighted burden. You are not going to let this consume you. You will stand tall, shoulders back, eyes focused on your first goal. That goal is to be less like a fire but still be able to see the light, no matter what.

29th August 2025

My life isn’t how I planned it.

It has required a lot of support, intervention, and boundaries to get this far.

But I’ve overcome so much throughout the journey. And that’s not how I have viewed it in the past.

Up until recently, I’ve not been able to see any hope.

I was stopping myself from thinking about my future, what it might look like, and how I planned it for the weeks and months ahead.

Things are changing. Nothing has just clicked or had it’s time to just switch, but things are becoming different.

My mindset, while still fluctuating with ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’, is allowing me to think about my achievements so far, as each day is unique and comes with challenges of it’s own.

I’m managing right now.

Managing to understand and accept my thoughts as what they are.

They no longer become me. But they are still there and might always be.

Im living alongside them.

That’s not something I’ve done before, I don’t think.

When I reflect, I often dont think of my achievements.

Recently, I’ve noticed the thoughts shifting.

I’ve wondered when it happened… What clicked to make such a big impact?

I’ll figure it out someday.

Until then, I’ll continue!

Happy 4 months in my flat!

Once upon a time, I didn’t think I’d survive. I didn’t see a future. I had lost all my hope. My sparkle was barely existing. I couldn’t find any reason to continue.

Although I felt incredibly lost and as if my life was pointless, I kept going. Multiple risk incidents and hospital admissions for treatment to stop attempts from taking my life later, I am still here. I’m gaining my glow, which has been dimmed and hidden for weeks. I see a little light again.

5 months discharged from my most recent psych admission. It hasn’t come without its struggles. But the reality is that although interventions to reduce risk have occurred since my stay in hospital, 🏥 I haven’t been readmitted. That’s not to say I haven’t needed it at times, because I’ve been very close.

A lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same.

I’ll continue on my journey no matter what happens next. I’ve reached my limits, I’ve learnt to set boundaries, and I will follow whatever path is made for me. I trust I’ll make decisions every single day that will support my recovery.

29/07/25

A revolving door. It almost felt
easier to stay in there.
More restrictions, less control.
Reduced risk. That was the outcome we had hoped would
last and continue when moved
into the community again…
We were all very wrong!
Writing that sentence you’ve noticed
You did a long sigh… but you read it again.
This time, a proud little smile forms.
You’re realising something…

You have achieved something that
You thought was impossible.
You’re managing without the
support and safety of a psych
unit. You don’t need to be forced
into recovery anymore. You are
CHOOSING recovery.
That smile has turned upside down
a few times. Support has been needed,
and risk behaviours have taken place.

But you’re bouncing back. Your
noticing and identifying risk
factors.

They may still happen. We can’t say they won’t because with Borderline Personality Disorder comes unpredictability and
impulsiveness.These characteristics
can be managed and lived with
alongside.

Rhiannon, i think you expected your diagnosis to disappear so you could claim the title of “Recovered.” It was as if you wanted to feel different within the exact second of the announcement.

That was just how you felt, though. It
wasn’t the reality. You’re learning that.

You haven’t been defeated or
destroyed. You have slipped, fallen,
and questioned whether to continue.
You will make that same decision
tomorrow, multiple times, sometimes
on a daily basis.

Keep making slow and steady progress. Each moment, one at a time.

Things are hard. But they’ve been worse than this in the past. You can get through this, I know you can. You keep smiling, girl. You need to keep going. It’s so hard, I totally get that. But right now, surviving is the only thing you need to do. Until each moment seems more manageable. Take your time. Don’t rush. Let yourself feel whatever comes up. But remember, you CAN do this. You CAN survive. Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle or take away that glow you’ve worked so hard to gain back. Nothing is gained by letting others take away your glow. Because it’s yours. It’s unique and full of what YOU need, not others. Your story doesn’t have to continue in the same way it has these past few weeks. Yes, you may feel weak, and like life is crumbling beneath your feet. But with each step, with the support of others, as well as your inner strength, progress can be made. Nothing in your life is worth you continuing to feel this low. You dont deserve this. No one does or ever will. That also doesn’t make what you are feeling wrong.

So, this morning, don’t allow yourself to be swallowed up by your mental pain. Instead, get out of bed, wash away your worries for the day ahead, open the curtains, and take in the sunlight. Take a breath.

Inhale…

Hold…

Exhale…

You’ve got this!

It’s all in your mindset.
It’s in the way you think about things.
The choices you make.
The way you react, behave, and value yourself in life are all things that show what is important to you.
Time passes by, so make every second count.
Tomorrow will be a better day, if that’s what you choose.
If you live in the past, nothing will change for the better. Things will stay the same.

Are you somewhere in your life that you would like to maintain?
Would you like anything to change?
Right now, is this moment sustainable for the rest of your life?
Would you be living with regrets if you continued like this?
Are you willing to make one positive change that could be the difference in your whole future?