Category: Flawed, but still proud

👀🏡🙌

You have made it, my friend! 6 months!

How did that happen?!

It hasn’t come without struggles, or bad days but you’ve bounced back quickly this time. The moments of struggle didn’t consume you. They just had their time amd you got through.

Im so damn proud of you!!!

Reflecting on how life has changed has become a regular habit for you.

You’re happy, comfortable within recovery, and thriving in life.

Coming out of such a dark place mentally, so much is different.

And although youve had therapy sessions, medication reviews, support and crisis prevention plans….. you are doing it!

For so so long you threw everything you had gained back in life, to the floor and refused to continue. You refused to try, because you were burnt out, tired and had no satisfaction or contentment with the life you were living.

You were barely surviving.

That’s not living.

6 months later.

6 months of living independantly.

6 months of hard work.

6 MONTHS CHOOSING RECOVERY!

Its getting so much easier to get on with life.

You feel like you fit in better, like you are making steps forwards with none backwards.

You feel alive!

You know what you are aiming to achieve.

That determination and drive will take you to incredible places, my dear!

Life is for living!

So go LIVE IT!

It could have taken my life.

I thought I’d be glad to be gone and everyone around me, too.

It would finally be over;

The pain,

The tears,

I wanted so many times for the world to swallow me up so I didn’t have to live through another day of what felt like torture.

I couldn’t see any other way out; and getting through it felt impossible and pointless.

This has been a thought process of mine that I guess I’ve just gotten used to over the years.

I didn’t see the trap,

The rules becoming a necessity every day.

The quietness had an eery sense about it, like I was being watched, monitored, observed.

The silence was deafening at times.

But I was still continuing,

Still surviving.

I wouldn’t go as far as living because the weight of every day lay heavy on my shoulders, nearly unbearable.

It had me held tighter than I realised,

Manipulating my thoughts,

Changing my mood,

My attitude.

What I had in life;

My family,

My home,

My education,

It all fell to the ground and suddenly I had a feeling of hatred.

I didn’t want to feel any different because what I was feeling, I was led to believe I deserved.

Notice how I write this in past tense.

I was so consumed by my own lies that I began to believe that I was completely worthless.

It could have taken my life;

But then what?

What about my mum and dad?

My brother and sister?

Everything I’d worked hard to achieve despite how I felt?

The days I didn’t want to waken up, but there I was, alive and facing another one.

Sometimes hours at a time,

Sometimes minutes.

But although this is how I’ve felt for so long,

I’m not gone.

I’ve not finished writing my life story.

This dark shadow has followed me,

But its fading.

The light is reducing its power over me.

It’s not in control anymore.

I’ve regained my strength,

And every moment that I catch myself smiling,

Laughing,

Feeling joy again;

I reflect back to times when I didn’t,

To when I was fading in multiple aspects of my life,

Barely able to get myself out of the house.

As I take another breath, I thank the world for giving me another chance,

A chance I didn’t want at the time,

But now I look back at with such hope and courage.

Courage to make a change,

Not only to my life,

But to others who are feeling the same way I did.

I’ve been there,

And I’ve survived.

I want to give others that hope, too.

The hope, strength and courage to stay,

Even on the hardest days.

It gets better.

Not all at once,

But by continuing.

By staying when it feels there is no reason to,

That’s when the changes in your mind will happen.

The flickers of light,

The glimpses of hope that things can improve,

The glow will return in your eyes,

Your smile will become more genuine.

Understand this;

You are making a choice.

A choice to change how you’re feeling or to be led to believe in the lies.

It’s not easy,

But it is a powerful one to make.

Are you scared that the way you are feeling is all you’ll ever feel, going forward?

Do you want this feeling to change?

Your courage to recognise how you feel,

How you’re feeding on lies,

You know in the back of your head,

somehow you want this life to be different,

you don’t want to eliminate your entire existence because the voice in your head has control.

You want to pursue and make your dreams happen.

You want to regain what you have lost.

You want to experience a full and happy life.

A life that you are proud to have.

So, continue.

This is your journey.

No one’s is the same,

Begin to let go of rules,

Expectations,

And just allow yourself to breathe.

Your breath is one that could’ve stopped.

Remember why you started.

I wish I knew.
I wish I knew how hard it would be,
How much I would have to fight the urges,

I wish I knew when it would get worse,
When I struggle most and have to manage the hardest of life events,
Events that no one thinks they’ll experience.

I wish I knew how to cope with things going out of routine,
Plans changing,
People moving away,
Loss and grief.

But……
All of this, although I wish I knew, I’ve managed, I’ve coped, I’ve got through many bad days that I thought were the end, and everyone around me expected to be the last straw.

I’ve proved to a lot of people, as well as to myself, that I am capable and have the ability to choose recovery every single day, even when I don’t want to or feel able.

I am stronger and braver than I thought I would ever be. I didn’t think I’d survive the stumbles that turned into fearful falls.

As I sit here typing, I know my struggles didn’t consume me.
And they no longer hold the power to rule over me.
They won’t take away my happiness.
They won’t become who I am or what I’m known for.

I’m proud of what I’ve overcome.
I’m proud of who I’ve become.
I’m proud of where I am on my journey, from where I’ve been already to where I’m headed.

Different mindset,
Different attitude.

A whole new chapter to live!

Feeling alive isnt just breathing and going about your day.
Its not as simple as it sounds, yet so many of us think is just getting on with our lives.

The complexity of waking up in the morning comes from our body amd mind being rested enough to function,
Its having the energy, motivation, and ability to know what we need to do next in our routine.

I haven’t felt alive for an awfully long time due to my unstable mental health.
It has left me crippled with anxiety, leading to daily tasks being left undone, not leaving the house and being unable to sit with uncomfortable feelings and urges.

Im not going to sit here and say I feel alive now. As ive said, its a complex statement to make and im not quite sure im there just yet.

I struggle.
I struggle on most days.
But i also smile, laugh, feel proud, feel a sense of accomplishment.

The smallest of things that wouldn’t be given a second thought to others, are what make my day feel successful to me.

Understanding that my highs come whenever they get the chance gives me hope that even though I have the lowest of lows sometimes, I can always pick myself up and let things continue until ive surfed the urge, until I can ride the wave and soon, very very soon, I’ll have that smile back.

Nothing in this world will take away what ive already gone through in life, but I have overcome so so much, and I feel more alive every day.

You see its not a feeling you get all of a sudden. It grows as you grow. It becomes part of you as you mature and experience life. So, when you next think that you dont have that feeling, that oomph, that courage to go wherever life takes you, even within each day, remember that feeling will only grow stronger. That feeling is part of you. Allow it to become more.

It’s been eating you up inside, not just today, but for several months.

It feels like you’re back in the same place, no progress, no change. It’s just a different day to repeat the same cycle.

Everything seems to be harder to cope with, and so, you don’t push yourself. After all, you have become familiar with this these emotions, so why would you change now?

Staying where you are right now, having the thoughts, the urges, the mindset? This isn’t sustainable. This can’t be how you get through each day for the rest of your life. You need something to be different.  But only you have control of that.

Putting it off until tomorrow is going to delay any progress.

But from the moment you make the decision to process what has been keeping you stuck, that when you will start to overcome barriers, struggles, thoughts and negative beliefs that have trapped you in a corner for dar too long.

You’ve been a prisoner to these thoughts. You haven’t felt strong enough to fight back.

The first steps are going to feel alien, unfamiliar, and difficult.

The more you do the things that scare you, though, that’s where healing will begin.

So start at the beginning. That’s where you start.

Find the courage to begin again.

20/09/25

There isn’t one thing in life that your future self won’t have the choice to improve from.

Coursework, for me currently, isn’t about how quickly I can get everything passed. It’s about taking in the information, extending my knowledge for days ahead, and being able to get a pass mark when sufficient information is used in my assignments, while knowing I’ve given my best work each time I submit anything.

So often we want things to have finished before they’ve started.

It’s not really common to think about the journey.

The focus seems to be the end result and the feelings that come with official achievements.

Im guilty! I do this so much too!

But I want to be able to learn and that means slow and steady progress.

Keeping yourself accountable, staying in some sort of routine that you know when work is due or assessed.

But also allowing time to reset when feeling a little bit discouraged. Again, I am guilty or giving up before the feedback is even read from my tutor. I feel so desperate for the pass mark so I can continue.

For some people, including myself, having corrections sometimes gets us discouraged and feeling defeated.

That is our critical thinking niggling away at the joy we thought we would feel when getting our results.

Not feeling we worked hard enough turns into the thought that we as individuals aren’t good enough. That just isn’t true.

Allow yourself to take a step back for a second…

Create a separation between critical thinking and the facts.

They’re battling right now, and we need to focus on the information we know to be true and supported by evidence.

To make a mistake is to have room for improvement. That doesn’t mean you are wrong.

There’s always space for change.

I have never found myself feeling balanced as much as today. I dont know how to explain really but when I look back at my history and the things I’ve experienced along the way, I wonder what my life will be like when im recovered. I imagine sunsets on the beach, and belly laughs until my tummy hurts. I imagine that smile, the truest, cheekiest, most natural smile because there were days I couldn’t smile. There were days it hurt to laugh, not because it was too much but because I FELT too much. I couldn’t see a way out, other than not being alive. It pains me to say I’ve felt that way. But slowly, I’m getting there. I’m finding my reasons why I want to continue. Why I want to grow and develop my life into one I could only imagine a year ago. A lot changes day to day, week to week. Time goes by, and it’s not until I reflect that I see the transformation that my life has become. I didn’t want this life that was given to me. I was handing it back and saying, “No, thank you, you can take it away now.” I wasn’t seeing the incredible changes that would take place, where I’d gain not only knowledge but lived experience to be able to help others who felt the same as I did. I say that in the past tense because I no longer feel the unbearable sadness, the constant tiredness, the ache of waking up each day while wishing it was over already. I no longer allow my mind to take over. Right now, it’s a conscious choice I make. But a year from now, it’ll become that little bit easier, more natural and I won’t have to choose it, it’ll just happen. I won’t give it a second thought. There are things and people in my life that I hold on to to help keep me afloat at times. These times are being needed less and less. I feel like im surfing; riding the wave. Although I have my moments, they dont turn into days or weeks at a time anymore. And that, that is recovery. Imperfectly perfect. Flawed, but proud of the life I’ve created.