Category: Flawed, but still proud

Leaves fall to the ground below,
The sunshine sets and the moon replaces its position,
Rain trickles down the window,
The sunshine hides its blinding glow behind the clouds.

But just as autumn leaves drop, flowers begin to bloom.
When the sun sets and the moon has satisfied its role, the sun will rise and return to its position.
As the rain drips and gathers to create puddles, it also makes a reflection in the clear water of its moments of time and the life that passes by.

Hearts will continue to beat, even when others prepare to stop giving life.
Life is possible, until the moment it ends.
Time won’t pause to grieve its loss.
The world won’t delay its existence to make time for you to feel ready or catch up.

These are all processes which sometimes go unnoticed but happen nonetheless. They may seem unimportant. The weather, the season, the time of day. It has no choice but to happen. It’s all part of a cycle, an unfinished, repetitive routine. Seasons begin and end, as does the day separate itself from the moon-lit night.

Take yourself in the direction of new beginnings. That is something you have the option to do. Otherwise you are choosing the same patterns. The destructive cycle. The routine of nothing changing. Without change, we are a budding flower that could bloom and transform into colours as beautiful and unique as you.

Are you ready? Ready for personal growth? To create and live in this next season of your life?

Will it be different? Well, my friend… staying the same wont move you any further forward. It may even be more difficult to stay where you have become comfortable. Moving towards the day you feel ‘ready’ would be one long journey and just as difficult and scary to stay in.

Do this life scared. Until you feel the fear and decide to still take the step you need to, nothing changes. The sun appears and the light will fade. The leaves will fall and the storm will beat down, as the thunder roars.

You have the ability to find you warm glow of sunshine that has been hidden behind the dark clouds.

You have an inner strength that, no matter how hard things get, can’t and won’t disappear. It may fade. It may get buried a little by factors in life that make you forget what you have already overcome. But honestly? I admire your inner strength because no matter what, you continue. You may have challenges, risk behaviours, negative emotions, and the hardest of days where everything is just too much. You may feel like you’ve erased all progress. That’s not true! It may have knocked you down a little, discouraged you, but you are still showing up. You are still doing the things your mind is persuading you are pointless. You’re doing the hard things anyway. That is inner strength. No one or nothing can take that away.

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8!

“Some things aren’t easy in life,” said the young girl, who had so often wished away her entire future and wondered if giving up was the solution. She talked to her therapist every week, sometimes more often than that. But she had never quite found the words to express her longing for the life that felt completely out of reach and unachievable. She had been opening up about her past for nearly two years now. Therapy was her safe space. In today’s session, something was holding her back from crying. She didn’t quite know what. On reflection, she knew she wanted to be able to look back in five years and feel like she hadn’t stopped trying to chase her dreams of stable recovery. That’s what they felt like currently, make-believe dreams that were a figment of her imagination, while her reality was very different. She longed for recovery to get easier, even just a little bit. However, her life was really just beginning, and as you can imagine, things shifted… nothing was going to remain the same forever! The leaves were falling outside as the autumn wind blew them off their branches. ‘Just like the leaves fall to the ground’, she thought, ‘I also have fallen away from my comforts, my place of safety, and my recovery’. What she wanted most in the world was to be able to feel proud and take the recognition for getting through everything put in her way. This mindset changed something inside her. Not all of a sudden, but actually quite gently. It didn’t erase her past traumas, or her bad days that would inevitably happen for anyone in her position, but she felt a sense of comfort knowing that she was doing everything she possibly could to help herself and support her own future. Yes! She has dreams and for so long her perspective was that anything that felt difficult meant that she would never manage it, so she set out to cope with her life differently. She didn’t quite have a plan, or step-by-step instructions. She didn’t know what was coming her way, but soon, soon enough, she’d learn to love her past for the lessons it taught her and the advice and empathy she could show to others who feel the same way she did. She can truly, confidently say that she gets it. She understands on a more personal level than how textbooks teach. She doesn’t have a due date for her dreams anymore. Instead, she takes things day by day, knowing that when small steps forward are made, big results in the longer term are in sight.

This may feel like ‘just another Christmas’ to some. 2025 has been a challenging year, with numerous lows. But so often I’m left thinking only of what I have missed out on or need to change. 2025 is a year that I attach many regrets, personally linked to my progress and recovery choices. I feel that I’ve missed out on many positive opportunities, chances to change my mindset and mental space. But, instead, I’ve relapsed, felt stuck, numb, lonely and empty. I’ve come to understand that there have been many moments when I felt proud, productive, genuinely happy and confident within this year too.  I have returned my focus to education throughout 2025. I have lived independently for almost 8 months. I have tackled travelling alone, moving community mental health teams, using public transport, made lifelong friendships, put myself first, and I’ve made it to the Christmas season. The 1st Christmas in my own home… this was something I never thought I’d be saying so soon in my journey! But at the age of 25 next week, I’m extremely proud of where I’ve been to where I am now. There have been many crisis points recently, times have been very, very tough, but look at what you’ve got through in a year! Take that it! You’ve made it through another year! You did that, no one else!

Hey you! How are you keeping? Struggling? Oh, that’s not so good. Sorry to hear that. You know what though? You’ve got this! You have always found a way through the hard days. You can get through today too. What do you mean you don’t know if you can, my lovely? I KNOW you can! I’m here, ok? I’m not leaving. You’re not on your own. I get it. I get it’s so so tough. Think of how far you’ve come already. Where you’ve been, where you are now, where you’re headed… There are going to be days when things are difficult. When they feel too much, you’ve just got to push through. Recovery isn’t a linear journey. It’s far from straightforward. But you have gotten through so much. You haven’t got this far to only come this far. You can’t stop now and risk all the progress you have made up until this point, because I know there’s plenty more smiles, laughs, celebrations and memories to make. They are waiting for you! So grab them with both hands and leap! Trust the process! You’re doing well, no matter what that voice is telling you! Keep going! And I’ll catch up with you soon, my friend.

Stay safe!

Rhiannon x

When I think of 2025, I see struggle, defeat, and dismissing anything good that happened that could take away the little bit of effort I had left in myself.

I see the trust that I’ve broken time and again.

I see the misunderstood guilt for surviving this long and not being successful with what I thought should have been the end.

I see the tears that run down my cheek in silence. A silence that is deafening but doesn’t make me feel any less lonely.

I see the hearts I’ve left to survive on their own, only so I could fulfil what I fully believed I deserved, and soon would take my life, without being noticed or missed.

I have fears for 2026…

Fears that my life will continue with these feelings.

But also fears that involve change or even just the slightest shift in behaviours, responses, reactions, and therefore the situation I find myself in.

I’m scared that how I feel will be almost uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It will feel different.

Sometimes I wish the world would just finish me so I didn’t have to set out to do it myself. So I didn’t have to plan to perfection how I pretend to feel. So that no one would know any different.

At times I think of all of this, and I genuinely feel distressed by the thoughts. Others, I sit calmly, almost ready for my breathing to just stop, for my story to be over.

But I’m still here, writing my book. I’m creating my next chapter, not because I want to. Well, in this moment I don’t want to. But could all the fears and anxiety I have about my future be reshaped? Converted into determination? Motivation to become proof I didn’t really want the demons in my head to win this fight?

I have found it within me, deep within me to continue a little while longer. Just to see what happens. To find out if I really am a lost cause, no matter if I try or not. I have given up before even starting most days. Writing the day as a fail from the minute I wake up each morning.

That’s the thing though! I’m waking up to a new day, which isn’t just happening as a special occasion. It’s got a reason. It has a purpose. And although it feels impossible in this moment to see that, I am holding on just to see if anything stems from the thought. To see if I flourish, blossom, or just fall to the ground.

Anything is possible if we put our mind to it, so I have to just try. In fact, I want to try.

2026 can’t be different to previous years if I don’t change anything. So although it feels daunting to say yes to the start of another year, I want to try again. There’s hope when you change what you’ve been drowning in, and take the step towards a new beginning.

What drives your crisis periods?
What aspects of your life contribute to how you feel in them moments?

For me, it sounds simple and easy to fix. Its much harder and when the downward spiral starts, it feels like there is no turning back. You dont always realise your mood is slipping. Its almost like switching a light on and off. Theres no pause to think in between.

Has that switch feeling become a habit? Have you tried catching yourself in the moment when thoughts are racing, urges to engage in risk are high and nothing feels like it will stop hurting? Thats a draining way to feel… Constantly using risk as a way to manage and subside anxiety, fear, hopelessness, and sadness.

When we get these kinds of feelings and thought patterns, our brain goes to firstly how we’ve managed the last time we felt something similar and if that is risk, it will become a repeated behaviour. Something we fall back to. Something we trust to make us feel relief. Maybe not even to feel ‘better’ but as an outlet for these deep, uncomfortable emotions.

What i need you to do is sit with the feeling. Dont give it control. Easier said than done? I understand. I really do. Maybe it is about sitting with it for longer than last time. Using skills, distractions, anything to take your mind off from the risks involved. If that means taking a shower, while visualising your negative thoughts going down the drain, feeling the sensation of the water, the temperature and the distraction of using body creams and relaxing, soothing scents, just for 15 minutes? That might be the start of a period of time where youve moved past the deepest emotions. It doesnt mean theyre gone, but that 15 minutes is time that you couldnt have managed last week, or last month.

You got through it!

Not because you were kept safe by others, or by letting it win. You got through that 15 minutes because you wanted to. You chose to try again. You gave yourself a task to see if it would pause the dark thoughts just for a bit.

You should be so SO proud of yourself. Choosing 15 minutes may have just saved you from a relapse. You can do it. Youve proven that its possible when you put all your energy into it.

Its time you make decisions like this a part of your routine. It could be what begins and maintains your recovery.

Do it for yourself!
Do it as proof that theres is hope in the darkest points of life!
Do it because you trust yourself!

30/11/2025

To the one who is struggling to begin again…

I see you, and you are not alone. You are seen. Even if i dont know you in person, i want you to know i get it. I understand what you are going through right now.

Its SO damn hard!

It feel lonely, and impossible to get through, but you WILL! You will get through these crap feelings and in time the thoughts will shift. They will become less frequent as you get stronger. You will be able to talk back to the voice in your head saying that you cant do this or youll never be good enough for anyone.

You are enough! Just as you are!

Stop trying to prove yourself to the voice that has shown nothing positive in your life.

Nothing is worth the pain is has given you.

It doesnt have to stay this hard. But, for as long as you listen to the voices, you will become reliant on the lies.

If you choose to take control and talk back, the voice will become bored and weaker and have less grip on your every move.

You will gain back you glow!

You will build a life worth living!

You will embrace every decision you make because there was a time in your life when choice was not yours to own. It felt out of control and your life wasnt being experienced to the full…

You were barely surviving!

It doesnt have to stay like this. You can choose to move forwards, one steo in front of the other.

Recovery is possible.

It needs to be a consistent choice, every day.

And not for anyone else but yourself.

When I think back to 8 months ago when I returned my focus onto education, gaining knowledge and understanding my journey in order to help others, i remember that i was in hospital after an attempt to end my life. I had no drive, no motivation, nothing that made me wajt to live or continue to survive.

Maybe it was impulsive to start a course which would take up alot of energy that i didnt quite have in that moment.

But can I just tell, my recovery has become so much more exciting and rewarding since i started studying again. It never crossed my mind while ive been poorly that the one factor in my life that i know i am working hard and need to continue with to achieve is my coursework and gaining my qualification.

Lets get it done!

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years, Rhiannon?”

My therapist asked this question with curiosity and enthusiasm, with which I didn’t quite know how to respond. I had goals, but I’d never named them as something I actually planned to achieve. I was so unpredictable with mood swings that the next hour could have me spiralling downwards and nothing would stop me. I had it in my head that relapsing was just a part of my life that I would get used to. When I think about that judgment now, in this moment, it makes me sad. Not sad because it’s basically been how my life has gone so far, but because I believed it would never change and I had lost the hope of recovering someday.

I tried to bring myself back to the moment. I was getting stuck in my head, going around in circles.

“5 years?” I sighed and shifted in my seat as I prepared to make up a whole story of being discharged from mental health services, living independently, managing bills and finances, being in a healthy relationship and having positive friendships.

That moment passed through my head, and a tear trickled down my cheek.

I hadn’t answered yet, but the thoughts got me going deeper and deeper as we sat in silence.

“I think I’d just like to be better than I am now. I’d like to feel like I’m giving my all in life, trying my hardest and building a strong foundation for my future. I guess I would like to see myself mentally stronger and stable without a cycle of relapsing. I want to break the cycle and maintain good mental health.”

That moment changed how I viewed my future. I didn’t need things that money could buy. I just wanted to feel I was doing enough to support myself in my recovery journey. The cycle needed to change. A new direction. A new focus. A strong grip on the life I wanted and a determination and drive that I couldn’t let go of.

She smiled back at me, making sure to keep eye contact, and replied, “Let’s get you there then. Nothing has to stop you. You just gotta keep going.”

*5 years later*

I’m sitting in my one-bedroom house, aged 30. I feel loved, supported and stable. Not the kind of stable where I’m just surviving each day. No, I’m actually living my life. I’m thriving! I’m engaged to the love of my life. I have strong friendships and no longer seek validation for every decision I make in life. I actually achieved 5-years risk-free today too. And I am celebrating with a trip to London over the new year of 2031 to experience watching the fireworks as the year moves to the next and the clock strikes midnight. I am working now since i got my qualification in community mental health and psychiatry and my psychology diploma, but still also enjoy blogging and sharing my writing with charitys that can reach so many people who relate to what ive gotten through and just need that little bit of hope amd proof that life can get better.

“Im ready!” I tell myself internally. I say it firmly as if i am commanding that there is no backing out of it… no other option.

Rhiannon, youve got this!
Lets see what 5 years bring!