Author: Rhiannon Mclean

Fading. Feeling dreated,
Tears, angry shouting, and self-harm thoughts and actions.

This isn’t the life you want Rhiannon. You want to feel “better’ or “well”  but all in a moment! Change doesn’t happen with an exact time frame. Coming down to self-care and continuously ticking off the essentials on your to-do list, and feeling satisfied with what you’ve done at the end of each day.

Wherever you are now, choose to continue. Continue with the daily essentials.

Something in my complicated life needs to change.

When I implement a change, it seems pointless to try, impossible to overcome and get through. 

DESPITE IT ALL, YOU ARE STILL HERE!
You’re not who you were a few months ago.
Relapses have taken up a lot of the month of June and July. August started with harm, trauma and a lot of pain. But you feel a little glow not necessarily through physical appearance. You have got to bounce. I’ve got the skills. You can weigh up the pros and cons. Self-soothing and mindful breathing. These things seem so simple, yet in a crisis period, they are almost too overwhelming.

You have taken a blast. Something that was made to destroy you. You’ve lost your purpose because you find yourself at a low point in your life. The first step is the hardest.

IT WILL GET EASIER! Trust me. If you can’t find the little hope in your heart that will carry you through the next challenges, I will hold on for you.

Although you have had hard days, leading to hospital admissions, inpatient stays, and medication reviews, you have smiled while in a hostel. You’ve been accepted for the Open University. You’re achieving so much that you don’t give yourself the praise for it.

Life happens, it continues.
So we’re in the new month, August 2025.
Let us be determined, be stronger, and more open to facing changes. When I re-read that sentence, I realised I’ve always wanted to support others in the same ways I’ve found myself struggling. I want to be the person. I so desperately needed in my life, who understood, appreciated little wins, and showed my recovery IS possible.

Noticing that change needs to happen doesn’t suddenly ‘become’. It doesn’t happen i a moment or a complete rest in a split second. Progress means you show up every single day. Progress is getting through the hard days and still smiling.

Your feelings are completely and 100% valid, because they are yours. So don’t push them down any deeper. Fish them out and allow yourself to feel how you feel. Maybe not saying it out loud, but instead trusting yourself and believing it. You feel you are wrong. They are personal and belong to you.

Hold on to the glimmer. That little glow of light, and with the support of everyone around you, you will get through this.

I have every faith in you.

10/08/25

I am not the old me.

I am not the girl who forced physical pain upon herself to dull the mental pain.

I am not the girl who denied herself the permission to eat.

I am not the girl who was in and out of hospitals, with support living placements breaking down every few weeks.

Although my identity isn’t created by my difficult past, my mental health affects me every single day.

Im not writing this to gain your pity, but instead, I’d like to remind you that hard days exist for everyone. That doesn’t make it who they are. The same as your weight doesn’t define you as a person.

Theres conditions we learn to live alongside. Things that are a part of our everyday life, but they do not become us.

When we understand who we are, our values, our personality, special interests and hobbies, and even triggers, difficulties, and coping skills, then we become who we were meant to be.

It takes time to discover what matters in life.

But having the insight of who you are as a person, that is a very open question. No one else can write your story. You are the author of each and every chapter.

There will be chapters in your story that you have to close. Some will be left unfinished. But a new one always starts, and life will continue to happen.

When i think about my life as a story, I feel a mixture of pride and defeat.

Im not where I thought i would be. Life has thrown some curveballs, and I’ve barely missed. I now understand that they were lessons to make me stronger.

Although life happens, and we can’t control the future, I now know that im not who I have been in the past. I’ve grown, flourished, got stronger mentally, and will continue to each day.

I don’t see progress because often, when I look back and then see where I am now, i feel like im no further forward in my recovery.

No difference.

Same struggles.

Wasting time and throwing away my life.

But I HAVE changed. Progress doesn’t have to always show on the outside, on the physical appearance, to be a conformation of change.

Sometimes, from the outside, we can’t see anything different.

When we reflect, though, and look at the mental strength that we go forward with every day…. that gets us through hard days…. that mental strength wasn’t strong enough 1 year ago. 1 year ago, you would have broken down, tears, anger, defeat, and self-destruction. You crumbled a year ago. You crumbled into pieces and couldn’t pick yourself up.

Now? You’re still standing. Sometimes, you need to rest and offload your worries to others who can bear the extra weight for a while, just until you find the strength again. And then you’re back. You’re on your feet again and facing moment by moment until it doesn’t seem so hard.

You are not who you were a year ago.

You have not given up.

You’ve simply stumbled and taken a harder fall.

But you’re up again.

You will continue to climb the mountain. To write your story.

You will allow yourself to feel progress and not just search for a physical difference.

I admire your strength.

Keep getting stronger.

All my love,

Rhiannon

You don’t know how you’ve survived this week. There were too many close calls.

There have been too many risks taken and impulsive decisions.

We’ve had to start over.

This doesn’t mean our recovery is back to having nothing… no positives, nothing that matters in life.

It does mean, however, that we’re at a point where change is the only option.

Bouncing in and out of hospital, through services, while telling different versions of what’s going on, and then in turn, not knowing yourself what’s most true, convincing ourselves we’ll be ok, but yet the thoughts take over our heads and we act on urges… It’s not sustainable or gaining anything positive. It’s putting you deeper into the dark, black hole that’s been created too quickly.

Don’t give up on your life.

You have continuously slipped up, fallen down, and reached the lowest of lows that you thought weren’t possible to get to. You have felt every emotion possible. But there is still more to come.

You need to turn this around not quickly or suddenly or all at once. You need to do something different. You need to comply with your recovery, as hard as it may be. You need to act opposite to action urges. You need to make something different happen.

So, although you may not be at day 1 because your journey started many years ago, and nothing can restart that journey and it will continue, you are starting recovery again.

DAY ONE

03/08/25

Let’s make this time the last one to be back to the start. Let’s do this together.

Accept support.

Choose honesty.

Realise where these past few days, weeks, and even months have got you. Are you proud of where it’s put you? Or do you need to relearn the skills that got you to the most positive you’ve ever been in? It’s not all or nothing. It doesn’t need to be black and white. Find your balance. Continue with your life as it comes. Moment by moment. Day by day. Until each little step feels a little more bearable. Manage a little more with no pressure. But don’t let your head put you off.

Create YOUR life worth living. Not one that others prepare have to for you.

You’ve hit burnout. You’re emotionally exhausted and detached from your own body. You’re not whole right now.

So build yourself back up. Start now.

Will this thought serve you?
Will you gain anything from it?
What is its purpose or function?
Will it be beneficial to hold onto this thought?

When you ask yourself these questions,  be totally honest. You may have the misperception that the thought is going to benefit or reduce risk. You may think that because it crops up so often that its ‘normal’.
Your brain can tell you alot of things, some of which are lies. Some that lead to mistrust, pushing loved ones away, or causing harm to yourself.
Mental illness is invisible. Its not like you can’t see suicidal thoughts when they’re processing. You can’t know by looking at someone that they have been suffering for weeks with mood instability…
Thought processes can be rewired… retrained. Actions that hurt you, or have negative impacts also come with alternatives. The choice you make comes from you alone. Choices and actions and behaviours all come after a thought. Although situations can feel impulsive, a thought always comes first. And that means there is a choice being made whether its negative or positive. Life will continue. Actions and behaviours will take place, but everything is influenced by how we engage after a thought.

You are enough, just as you are.

You don’t have to change,

You are irreplaceable,

Indescribably precious,

Courageous,

Determined,

Beautiful,

Loved beyond words,

Worthy of recovery.

You are enough,

Just as you are.

Never forget that!

Im not going to tell you it will be easy, cause I’d be lying.
But if you told me even just a year ago that I’d be living on my own, managing medication independently, using public transport every week, and studying… I wouldn’t believe you!
Things have changed.
But I can’t really pinpoint what made it different this time.
I’ve trialled these same living arrangements back a few years ago, and they were detrimental to my health and to my relationship with those I love.
Maybe it’s because I know it’s all my choice. I have to make the decision to show up every day. I know what makes me unwell and what actually helps.
But the thing that stands out is my resilience!
My capacity to withstand all barriers and difficulties is still shining!
Im still standing!!!
Still fighting!!!
In fact, it doesn’t feel like a fight anymore. It feels like something i know i NEED to do, to feel well, stay safe, and create a life worth living.
That didn’t happen overnight. But im aware that I look forward to each day and feel satisfied at the end of them.

Now, if that’s not healing, then I don’t know what is. It may not be perfect, but im healing.

But why?
Why do bad things happen?
Why do I feel so unhappy?
Why do people suffer?
Why am I sick?
Why?

I just want you to know im going to stay with you through everything that is happening. Positive, negative and everything in between. Bad things happen to make us stronger. They give us the courage to see our circumstances from a different perspective.


You feel unhappy. Unhappiness is a very valid emotion. No matter what others feel or however they react, doesn’t take away from your personal experience of the same.
Sickness isnt chosen. The same way it can’t often be avoided. But it doesn’t have to make you suffer.

You’re sick. You don’t want to be sick and definitely didnt choose it. But the bottom line is that youre sick. Accepting that is a very difficult task. It feels wrong in many ways to accept illness as it is. But the comfort is knowing that feelings pass. Emotions change and so does mental wellbeing.

Just know that this too shall pass. No matter how worthless, pointless and impossible it may feel right now, you are worthy of recovery, you make a difference in this world just by being alive and nothing is impossible until we give up. Nothing changes if nothing changes and there is a life beyond mental struggles.

Im here for you. Lean on me for support. Im not going anywhere. And if you feel youre losing hope, I’ll give you some of mine, so you can keep going and get stronger. Cry, let it out, it okay. I am listening. I feel your pain. Honestly, I know the feeling, but this is not the end. This is a hard chapter of your story, that seems to have hit rock bottom. The good thing about hitting rock bottom…. the only way is up from there.

Love you, always.

Life is hard right now. The glow you once had has got lost amongst your struggles and challenges. You see no hope. The light has dimmed, and you can’t find your way out of this deep, black hole.
Although you want things to stop, for the torture to be over, to feel nothing, you still have a part of you who is fighting for the life that you are told is worth living. You are creating that life with the little strength you have left. The courage to take things an hour at a time is just enough to keep you from giving up completely. You’re not living right now, but managing to survive each moment, one at a time.
You are capable of creating the life that you’re working so hard to keep alive. You’re not focusing on staying alive because that feels overwhelming right now. Instead, you’re turning your attention to the necessary. The things that make each moment tolerable. To keep you surviving until living becomes manageable and possibly not as hard. It seems you have alot to live for on the outside, the people around you want you to stay in this world, so maybe you can hold on for the people who need you, just for now. Living because you want to live seems out of reach. But slowly, with steady progress, you will gain your glow back, things will become that little bit brighter. All will fall into place, my dear. Trust the process and slow everything down.

Appreciating the rock bottom feeling that has already been experienced means that the only way to go from here is forward. No matter how slow. No matter what comes your way, you have been at the lowest of lows already, so things can get better if that is what you choose.

One small, steady step forward is still progress. It’s a step in the direction of recovery. I admire your strength and determination to make a complete change of circumstances overnight, but with many little wins come big wins. Patience. Time heals. Don’t expect everything to be different within a moment.

Understanding what you once struggled with, the difficulties that you faced, and realising they have got that little bit easier, is massive progress. Firstly, admitting to your struggles, then identifying the difference from then to now, that can’t be easy. But digging deeper into what made you struggle, the contributing factors, environmental, social, personal, physical – these all are applied to how much we struggle. When we have no idea at the time, it’s even more important to reflect on what helped, what positive changes were made to get out of the deep difficulties you were facing.

What we truly feel, positively or negatively, shapes how we feel towards the same or similar circumstances. If it feels good for others, that doesn’t need to change how you struggle with the same thing. Individual feelings, thoughts, opinions, judgements… they all come with differences. Nothing you feel EVER has to feel wrong.

19/07/2025

Slow progress is still progress. Allow yourself the time to achieve the smallest of tasks that feel the most difficult at this time.
You’re exhausted. You feel like you have lost everything… your sparkle, your glow, your smile, and your courage to keep going.
Yet despite it all, you got up this morning, attending and engaged in therapy, collect your medication, and came home again to have a shower.
These things may seem like nothing too difficult, but they have used all your energy, mentally and physically.
Today was not nothing. It wasn’t just another day you survived.
Today, you attended to some self care and proved to yourself you’re still trying. You weren’t trying to show anyone else but yourself what you’re capable of on harder days. You’re growing mentally again, because you’re giving yourself what you have needed for months….. TIME!