My Eating Disorder crept in, slowly then pounced and snatched me from my safe place.
I never knew who was behind the voice but it seemed gentle and convincing when it spoke. Pronouncing every letter in each word as if it were a witch’s spell.
The voice would pull me towards it, closer and closer without revealing too much of its identity.
I felt like a puppet on strings with each instruction being obeyed.
It was as if it knew if I was going to rebel in any way.
My eating disorder took me from my family and friends. I stood in the kitchen, rage overflowing my head. I would soon blow in front of my mum as she gave me my dinner plate stacked with food.
“Why am I like this?”
As if I was asking my brain to reply to my question.
Why do I have to cause such brokenness?
Why do I feel like such a failure?
I didn’t understand the words eating disorder at the time, but I soon would realise that anorexia would have a hold on me for over 10 years. It would strip me to my bones and deny me of making any choices.
The year 2026.
Maybe not the year everything will turn perfect given there’s no such thing. Ok, change will take place. It will be a process, a long tiring journey. But every journey has a starting point and an ending point. A final destination. A place you want to reach towards and achieve.
I’m no longer on my journey. I’ve reached the point I wanted to get to, maybe even without realising it.
The voice has no power in my life anymore. It lost its fight, and I won the war.
Because when you want something bad enough, you can actually scare yourself into fighting harder, until it gets easier.
You can’t allow it time or space. It’ll take advantage of both, while getting cosy and lying in place, waiting for the next opportunity to ruin. The dismissal, the endless instructions with no leeway.
Im Rhiannon. I’m 25 and I’m fully recovered from anorexia.
I never thought I’d say those words. I thought the battle was a lifelong one.
Stay strong!
Keep your head up, queens!
And reach your final recovery destination.
Leave a comment