Recovery has ups and downs.
It doesn’t happen without choice,
Though relapse happens only through the choices we make.
Uncomfortable feelings would often lead me down a path of destruction, a path I was too stubborn and consumed by negative thinking to ever turn back from or stop pursuing.
Soon after each time on the self-sabotage road, I crossed my own boundaries and felt too far gone to help myself.
Although I felt so many emotions all at once, I still described myself as numb and distant.
I didn’t understand yet…
Today, as I lie in my bed writing this blog, I reflect on my day.
I got up and dressed. I ate breakfast and walked into town to collect my weekend medications. I proceeded to go to my 5k race where I felt nervous, a little paranoid and maybe a bit ashamed for not being ‘as good as others’. Never the less i persisted to run. I did this with doubts and niggling thoughts telling me to give up and quit.
I KEPT GOING!
I knew I would be proud of myself at the finish line. I knew I’d rather push through these thoughts, hard as it was.
The feeling of crossing that line brought me to tears for a moment. I faced my anxiety, fear, shame, all those feelings that could have cornered me. I could have let them win.
NOT TODAY!
IM BEAMING!
BUZZING!
I’ve come a long way. In the past i would let it knock me down and I would lie there.
Progress isn’t always from milestones, but having a different mental thought pattern and outcome to similar emotions that would not have a positive result even just 6 months ago.
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