‘HELP’

“Hello, how can I help you today?”
The middle-aged woman at the reception desk asked, full of enthusiasm and joy.

I wondered why I had found myself at the help desk of my doctor’s surgery.

“I guess I have realised I need a little bit of support…” My voice was full of nerves, and I was breathing heavily, holding back tears.

“I’m not doing so well. My mood is rock bottom. I’ve not felt this low before. I’m scared of my own thoughts.”

The woman stood up from her chair and came out from behind the glass window where I was aware i could’nt actually be heard very well.

She embraced me in a supportive, safe hug.

“You are so brave. Can I please ask you your name?” She was gentle and kind.

“Rhiannon,” I replied with a pause.

After 20 minutes alone in the waiting room, with no sound, what felt like very little air and tears flowing down my cheeks, a tall, dark-haired woman came towards where I was sitting. I immediately looked down. I had tried to shrink myself. I had made myself mentally and physically as small as possible because I felt like such a huge problem in this already cruel world.

“Rhiannon isn’t it?”
I nodded without making eye contact.

“I’m Lucy.”

We took our time getting to her office. I felt dizzy, weak, and tired. I hadn’t had much appetite recently. I suppose I didn’t really allow myself the time to feel any hunger, even though I would sit in the same seat in the corner of my living room. Curtains pulled, lights off. Just drowning in my self-hatred and exhaustion.

“I need to ask you a difficult question, Rhiannon.”

I swallowed the growing lump in my very dry throat as the words processed in my head.

“Do you have any thoughts to cause harm to yourself or that your life isn’t worth living? Please be as honest as you can so I can try my best to help.”

At this point I knew I had been hiding so much from others around me, acting like I was living. Yet every day felt like I was losing myself a little more. I had somehow convinced those around me that I was fine, that I had pushed down my struggles and believed my lies… Until this moment.

Tears weren’t waiting to roll down my face now. I was sobbing. Everything felt so heavy. I had reached my breaking point. My brain needed to take some weight off the load it had been carrying for far too long.

I looked up and took a deep breath. Then another. I slowed it right down so I could form some words.

“I’m always tired. I’m constantly sad, numb or feeling like my life is pointless.”

I’d never said that to anyone out loud before. Yea. I’d occasionally text a helpline through fear I’d follow through with the thought I was having. But nothing ever came from it, just text again if the thoughts put you in immediate danger.

“What activities used to give you hope?” I could hear the concern in her voice, though she stayed completely calm.

I thought back to when I was younger and would visit my granny. We’d have chips for dinner and she’d buy us a bag of sweets. The memory seemed to take me back and I got a little lost in the past.

A few moments went by. “Rhiannon?” Lucy gently put her hand on my shoulder to bring me back to the present moment.

“Where has your mind taken you with that question? You seemed to get a little bit lost…”

“I always felt happy when I visited…..” I couldn’t get any more words out. I missed her. I missed my granny every single day. I wished I could give her a big hug and never let go. But I couldn’t do that anymore.

“Lucy, can I ask you something please?” I managed to mumble.

“Of course. I’ll do my best to answer.”

“Can life get better when every day feels like there is a new battle wound to deal with? Things feel too heavy. And it hurts. I just want to have a moment of feeling less.”

She gathered her thoughts before letting out a relieved sigh.

“You have taken the hardest step. You know you want help. And you’ve asked for it. Not everyone has the strength to ask. You are going to have better days. Trust yourself, even when it’s incredibly hard. Allow yourself the time you need to heal what has been broken for so long. We’re going to support you to gain your glow back. I hope someday that you will feel that your life is worth living. But until then we can help you to stay afloat. We aren’t going to do it for you, though. It needs to come from you too. We are there for the moments you feel like you are drowning. We can hold you above the water while you find the strength to swim again.”

In those 40 minutes of slow communication back and forth, I felt listened to and as if I mattered. I reflected on things that had always felt too hard to face.

I left the appointment with what I can only describe as peace. Nothing inside me was screaming.

I want to say at this time, that this encounter didn’t cure me. I still struggle. I still feel sad and angry and numb sometimes. My days aren’t as difficult but they also don’t come without their challenges. One thing has changed for sure. I feel ready to make progress. Slow, steady steps forward. Consistently being honest. No expectations. No limits to the emotions I feel. Healthy boundaries and daily recovery reflections. Empowerment on the hard days, stability of some sort on the better ones.

I’ve discovered a version of myself I had lost.

She’s here to stay!