Finding Hope

It’s a hard one.
It seems to always get harder.
Fighting back seems less worth it.
It’s hard to find hope.
But there’s always ALWAYS a glimmer of it.

Hitting rock bottom.
The pit of despair.
The darkest hole that feels too deep and lonely to climb out of.

Trust me, i am in that pit, that hole.
Im at the point where it feels pointless.
Ive been through outpatient systems, crisis after crisis, hospitalisations against my will, leaving against medical advice, just to repeat the cycle over and over.
Yet my reality right now as i type this is a hospital stay somewhere i didnt expect to be, due to having ran away from my problems, mentally and physically.

I dont see any hope.
I believe ive lost everything that means something in my life.
Im pushing people away.
Ive stopped being honest, opening up about what i was finding difficult, admitting my struggles and how i was making plans to just quit living.
I want nothing more from this world.
I dont want to experience recovery because that comes with relapse.
I dont want to tell anyone how i felt, because the only feelings i have are to painful to explain to anyone who knows me.

But somehow, as things are so so difficult and complicated to explain or find the words to descrive, im trying.
Im not trying because i want to.
Im not trying because i believe theres going to be anything good comes from staying in this world.
Im still trying though.
I dont really know why, to be honest.
I havent quite found a reason.
My reason why.
But maybe i will.
Eventually.
In time.
If i hang in there just a little longer….
Just to see.
To give it another chance to add to the endless list ive already gave up on.
Maybe hope will show itself a little more if i hang on a little bit longer