When I think of 2025, I see struggle, defeat, and dismissing anything good that happened that could take away the little bit of effort I had left in myself.
I see the trust that I’ve broken time and again.
I see the misunderstood guilt for surviving this long and not being successful with what I thought should have been the end.
I see the tears that run down my cheek in silence. A silence that is deafening but doesn’t make me feel any less lonely.
I see the hearts I’ve left to survive on their own, only so I could fulfil what I fully believed I deserved, and soon would take my life, without being noticed or missed.
I have fears for 2026…
Fears that my life will continue with these feelings.
But also fears that involve change or even just the slightest shift in behaviours, responses, reactions, and therefore the situation I find myself in.
I’m scared that how I feel will be almost uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It will feel different.
Sometimes I wish the world would just finish me so I didn’t have to set out to do it myself. So I didn’t have to plan to perfection how I pretend to feel. So that no one would know any different.
At times I think of all of this, and I genuinely feel distressed by the thoughts. Others, I sit calmly, almost ready for my breathing to just stop, for my story to be over.
But I’m still here, writing my book. I’m creating my next chapter, not because I want to. Well, in this moment I don’t want to. But could all the fears and anxiety I have about my future be reshaped? Converted into determination? Motivation to become proof I didn’t really want the demons in my head to win this fight?
I have found it within me, deep within me to continue a little while longer. Just to see what happens. To find out if I really am a lost cause, no matter if I try or not. I have given up before even starting most days. Writing the day as a fail from the minute I wake up each morning.
That’s the thing though! I’m waking up to a new day, which isn’t just happening as a special occasion. It’s got a reason. It has a purpose. And although it feels impossible in this moment to see that, I am holding on just to see if anything stems from the thought. To see if I flourish, blossom, or just fall to the ground.
Anything is possible if we put our mind to it, so I have to just try. In fact, I want to try.
2026 can’t be different to previous years if I don’t change anything. So although it feels daunting to say yes to the start of another year, I want to try again. There’s hope when you change what you’ve been drowning in, and take the step towards a new beginning.
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