5 years

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years, Rhiannon?”

My therapist asked this question with curiosity and enthusiasm, with which I didn’t quite know how to respond. I had goals, but I’d never named them as something I actually planned to achieve. I was so unpredictable with mood swings that the next hour could have me spiralling downwards and nothing would stop me. I had it in my head that relapsing was just a part of my life that I would get used to. When I think about that judgment now, in this moment, it makes me sad. Not sad because it’s basically been how my life has gone so far, but because I believed it would never change and I had lost the hope of recovering someday.

I tried to bring myself back to the moment. I was getting stuck in my head, going around in circles.

“5 years?” I sighed and shifted in my seat as I prepared to make up a whole story of being discharged from mental health services, living independently, managing bills and finances, being in a healthy relationship and having positive friendships.

That moment passed through my head, and a tear trickled down my cheek.

I hadn’t answered yet, but the thoughts got me going deeper and deeper as we sat in silence.

“I think I’d just like to be better than I am now. I’d like to feel like I’m giving my all in life, trying my hardest and building a strong foundation for my future. I guess I would like to see myself mentally stronger and stable without a cycle of relapsing. I want to break the cycle and maintain good mental health.”

That moment changed how I viewed my future. I didn’t need things that money could buy. I just wanted to feel I was doing enough to support myself in my recovery journey. The cycle needed to change. A new direction. A new focus. A strong grip on the life I wanted and a determination and drive that I couldn’t let go of.

She smiled back at me, making sure to keep eye contact, and replied, “Let’s get you there then. Nothing has to stop you. You just gotta keep going.”

*5 years later*

I’m sitting in my one-bedroom house, aged 30. I feel loved, supported and stable. Not the kind of stable where I’m just surviving each day. No, I’m actually living my life. I’m thriving! I’m engaged to the love of my life. I have strong friendships and no longer seek validation for every decision I make in life. I actually achieved 5-years risk-free today too. And I am celebrating with a trip to London over the new year of 2031 to experience watching the fireworks as the year moves to the next and the clock strikes midnight. I am working now since i got my qualification in community mental health and psychiatry and my psychology diploma, but still also enjoy blogging and sharing my writing with charitys that can reach so many people who relate to what ive gotten through and just need that little bit of hope amd proof that life can get better.

“Im ready!” I tell myself internally. I say it firmly as if i am commanding that there is no backing out of it… no other option.

Rhiannon, youve got this!
Lets see what 5 years bring!