Consistency

When I think about the changes I’d like to see moving forward in the next steps of my recovery, I often reflect on the word ‘consistency’.

Sitting with uncomfortable feelings and emotions is very difficult for me. Sometimes, positive feelings are uncomfortable, but unpleasant ones are even more so, as lots of people would experience too.

Riding the wave is a phrase that has helped me since my first treatment course for EUPD in 2020. It refers to learning to sit with the feeling that is urging you to give up, to relapse, to drown in self-doubt and engage in urges of harm.

When we go against these beliefs, these thoughts that have consumed our past, we don’t feel better straight away. In fact, the first emotion I experience when I do the opposite of a risk behaviour is actually guilt and shame.

Consistency is about keeping the momentum. Staying with the mindset that harming yourself is a short-term release with no long-term benefits.

On reflection, I have not kept up with consistent recovery. I have managed, and then another crisis has turned my life upside down. I haven’t been strong enough or mentally well enough to fight back.

That’s not the case anymore. Im strong enough now, and ive got the drive, the motivation and determination to follow through.

My challenge now is that because ive got so used to relapse, to being in a crisis state, to have control taken away to keep me safe, i need to learn the choice to continue like that is mine to make. No one can force me into recovery but for as long as i am unsafe or at risk of harm, measures are put in place to stop it from becoming detrimental to my health. If i choose to change that, to fight back, to give myself the permussion to try again only consistently, no matter how hard it becomes, how tired i get, how demanding the voices get, i HAVE TO choose recovery!

So although i am not home, i am not the happiest ive been or the most content, i am trying.

That is a WIN for today!

It will continue as a win tomorrow and everyday.

I refuse to stop!

I am committing to recovery.