My BPD

It feels like a shadow that never leaves me,
Talking behind my shoulder,
in both whispers and screams.

It silences my voice,
While deafening me with its own.

It doesn’t seem crippling from the outside,
But inside my head is a battle I’m losing most days.

Using harmful behaviours to cope with loneliness, when I am surrounded by multiple support systems.

BPD isn’t overreacting,
It isn’t for attention,
And it isn’t fake or wanted.

BPD is a severe emotional response to things like a change in routine,
Grief,
Loss of friendships due to growing up and moving on.

My BPD didn’t make me a very nice person.
It made me react with anger, aggression, self-harm behaviours and suicidal thoughts.

It had such a firm grip on my every move.

But hings can get better.
Days always have a beginning and an end.
I thought for a long time that waking up in the morning would be my last.
Sometimes I wished it were the last one.

But now I hold on to my life, every moment, with the same grip that my BPD had on me.

It didn’t just click.
It doesn’t turn on and off like a switch.
It’s a choice.
A daily one at that.

I still have bumps,
Yet I survive.

Because BPD isn’t going to become who I am.
I am more than that.
I am more than its lies and obsessions, and impulses.

I am becoming the girl who thought she wouldn’t survive to see today.

1 week risk-free.
A week ago I didn’t want to fight anymore.
I didn’t have any fight left in me.
I needed to be protected from my own actions.

Things can change.
Not suddenly,
Not all at once.
But they can change and become moments you look back on and feel thankful for continuing to stay,
Proud to still be able to tell your story,
Confident in your ability to progress,
And lighter,
Not in weight, but in the amount of pressure you carry.

Let go of what is holding you back.
I am proof that you can!