What could have been the end

It could have taken my life.

I thought I’d be glad to be gone and everyone around me, too.

It would finally be over;

The pain,

The tears,

I wanted so many times for the world to swallow me up so I didn’t have to live through another day of what felt like torture.

I couldn’t see any other way out; and getting through it felt impossible and pointless.

This has been a thought process of mine that I guess I’ve just gotten used to over the years.

I didn’t see the trap,

The rules becoming a necessity every day.

The quietness had an eery sense about it, like I was being watched, monitored, observed.

The silence was deafening at times.

But I was still continuing,

Still surviving.

I wouldn’t go as far as living because the weight of every day lay heavy on my shoulders, nearly unbearable.

It had me held tighter than I realised,

Manipulating my thoughts,

Changing my mood,

My attitude.

What I had in life;

My family,

My home,

My education,

It all fell to the ground and suddenly I had a feeling of hatred.

I didn’t want to feel any different because what I was feeling, I was led to believe I deserved.

Notice how I write this in past tense.

I was so consumed by my own lies that I began to believe that I was completely worthless.

It could have taken my life;

But then what?

What about my mum and dad?

My brother and sister?

Everything I’d worked hard to achieve despite how I felt?

The days I didn’t want to waken up, but there I was, alive and facing another one.

Sometimes hours at a time,

Sometimes minutes.

But although this is how I’ve felt for so long,

I’m not gone.

I’ve not finished writing my life story.

This dark shadow has followed me,

But its fading.

The light is reducing its power over me.

It’s not in control anymore.

I’ve regained my strength,

And every moment that I catch myself smiling,

Laughing,

Feeling joy again;

I reflect back to times when I didn’t,

To when I was fading in multiple aspects of my life,

Barely able to get myself out of the house.

As I take another breath, I thank the world for giving me another chance,

A chance I didn’t want at the time,

But now I look back at with such hope and courage.

Courage to make a change,

Not only to my life,

But to others who are feeling the same way I did.

I’ve been there,

And I’ve survived.

I want to give others that hope, too.

The hope, strength and courage to stay,

Even on the hardest days.

It gets better.

Not all at once,

But by continuing.

By staying when it feels there is no reason to,

That’s when the changes in your mind will happen.

The flickers of light,

The glimpses of hope that things can improve,

The glow will return in your eyes,

Your smile will become more genuine.

Understand this;

You are making a choice.

A choice to change how you’re feeling or to be led to believe in the lies.

It’s not easy,

But it is a powerful one to make.

Are you scared that the way you are feeling is all you’ll ever feel, going forward?

Do you want this feeling to change?

Your courage to recognise how you feel,

How you’re feeding on lies,

You know in the back of your head,

somehow you want this life to be different,

you don’t want to eliminate your entire existence because the voice in your head has control.

You want to pursue and make your dreams happen.

You want to regain what you have lost.

You want to experience a full and happy life.

A life that you are proud to have.

So, continue.

This is your journey.

No one’s is the same,

Begin to let go of rules,

Expectations,

And just allow yourself to breathe.

Your breath is one that could’ve stopped.

Remember why you started.