I have never found myself feeling balanced as much as today. I dont know how to explain really but when I look back at my history and the things I’ve experienced along the way, I wonder what my life will be like when im recovered. I imagine sunsets on the beach, and belly laughs until my tummy hurts. I imagine that smile, the truest, cheekiest, most natural smile because there were days I couldn’t smile. There were days it hurt to laugh, not because it was too much but because I FELT too much. I couldn’t see a way out, other than not being alive. It pains me to say I’ve felt that way. But slowly, I’m getting there. I’m finding my reasons why I want to continue. Why I want to grow and develop my life into one I could only imagine a year ago. A lot changes day to day, week to week. Time goes by, and it’s not until I reflect that I see the transformation that my life has become. I didn’t want this life that was given to me. I was handing it back and saying, “No, thank you, you can take it away now.” I wasn’t seeing the incredible changes that would take place, where I’d gain not only knowledge but lived experience to be able to help others who felt the same as I did. I say that in the past tense because I no longer feel the unbearable sadness, the constant tiredness, the ache of waking up each day while wishing it was over already. I no longer allow my mind to take over. Right now, it’s a conscious choice I make. But a year from now, it’ll become that little bit easier, more natural and I won’t have to choose it, it’ll just happen. I won’t give it a second thought. There are things and people in my life that I hold on to to help keep me afloat at times. These times are being needed less and less. I feel like im surfing; riding the wave. Although I have my moments, they dont turn into days or weeks at a time anymore. And that, that is recovery. Imperfectly perfect. Flawed, but proud of the life I’ve created.
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