Evening reflection

I am not the old me.

I am not the girl who forced physical pain upon herself to dull the mental pain.

I am not the girl who denied herself the permission to eat.

I am not the girl who was in and out of hospitals, with support living placements breaking down every few weeks.

Although my identity isn’t created by my difficult past, my mental health affects me every single day.

Im not writing this to gain your pity, but instead, I’d like to remind you that hard days exist for everyone. That doesn’t make it who they are. The same as your weight doesn’t define you as a person.

Theres conditions we learn to live alongside. Things that are a part of our everyday life, but they do not become us.

When we understand who we are, our values, our personality, special interests and hobbies, and even triggers, difficulties, and coping skills, then we become who we were meant to be.

It takes time to discover what matters in life.

But having the insight of who you are as a person, that is a very open question. No one else can write your story. You are the author of each and every chapter.

There will be chapters in your story that you have to close. Some will be left unfinished. But a new one always starts, and life will continue to happen.

When i think about my life as a story, I feel a mixture of pride and defeat.

Im not where I thought i would be. Life has thrown some curveballs, and I’ve barely missed. I now understand that they were lessons to make me stronger.

Although life happens, and we can’t control the future, I now know that im not who I have been in the past. I’ve grown, flourished, got stronger mentally, and will continue to each day.

I don’t see progress because often, when I look back and then see where I am now, i feel like im no further forward in my recovery.

No difference.

Same struggles.

Wasting time and throwing away my life.

But I HAVE changed. Progress doesn’t have to always show on the outside, on the physical appearance, to be a conformation of change.

Sometimes, from the outside, we can’t see anything different.

When we reflect, though, and look at the mental strength that we go forward with every day…. that gets us through hard days…. that mental strength wasn’t strong enough 1 year ago. 1 year ago, you would have broken down, tears, anger, defeat, and self-destruction. You crumbled a year ago. You crumbled into pieces and couldn’t pick yourself up.

Now? You’re still standing. Sometimes, you need to rest and offload your worries to others who can bear the extra weight for a while, just until you find the strength again. And then you’re back. You’re on your feet again and facing moment by moment until it doesn’t seem so hard.

You are not who you were a year ago.

You have not given up.

You’ve simply stumbled and taken a harder fall.

But you’re up again.

You will continue to climb the mountain. To write your story.

You will allow yourself to feel progress and not just search for a physical difference.

I admire your strength.

Keep getting stronger.

All my love,

Rhiannon