“Whenever you feel afraid, why do you look to the night sky for reassurance?”
“I guess I just hope the angels are looking down, through stars that sparkle and shine, to help me find my glow again.”
Dear Granny,
How are you, up there? Shining every night? Singing? Pain free? Holding close your nearest and dearest?
I haven’t felt you around in a while. I’ve felt lonely. I’ve felt really, really lonely.You probably know already, but I’m going to explain anyway.
I’m not doing the best. My thoughts feel robotic. Like an emotion appears, and the machine starts sending signals that are nearing me into crisis again. I feel unworthy of recovery. I don’t ever feel like anyone would care. I’m a problem. My head is a bully. And I don’t have the energy to fight. I just back away and let it corner me. It lashes out in fury. It hits and kicks and screams in my ear that I’m not capable.
I don’t know if you’re able to do anything to help granny. I just want to know I’m not on my own. I feel afraid. Afraid of forgetting you. It’s breaking me. I just want this life to be over. I don’t want to be a patient anymore. I’ve been a horrible daughter and sister. Hannah and Joshua have grown up without me already, so what’s the rest of their lives? Granny McLean is so sick. She is dying. I hope she’s not in pain. She smiles through every day, but I know she’s barely holding on.
Being around those who can’t remember, those who aren’t feeling themselves? It feels like I’m drowning. I can’t be here anymore. It’s not them. It’s this world. It’s turning against people, and it’s chosen me first. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. I don’t want to understand right now. I feel out of control. I feel useless, and I regret holding on this long to tell you. You deserved better.
What you deserved, I couldn’t make happen. Which makes my existence purposeless. I am purposeless. I am fragile right now. And I feel I might shatter. I can feel myself tipping over the edge. Over the edge of the bridge. Into water. Drowning. Again. Only this time Im unable to swim.
Urges to illuminate my future from being an option are high today. I am not worth the time or space. I’m crying as I write this, but again, somehow, I know you see this already, and I continue to fight for you. Fight for a reason. Fight for a purpose. To feel my life has a purpose.
What would you tell me? What are you telling me right now?
“Persevere, Rhiannon.”
A whisper comes from the sky, or rather from a presence that I feel around me again, just like before.
“I’m always here, and I’m always proud to be your granny.”
Another whisper, louder this time, I think.
Yes, it feels closer. Not for just a moment, but for a lifetime more, your heartbeat is beside me. Everywhere I go. I know you’re still with me. I just needed to take the time to ask the question and feel fear. I felt fear, and I survived. I felt anxiety, sadness and anger, and loneliness……
“AND YOU SURVIVED RHIANNON!”
Leave a comment