Gaining your glow back

Dear You,

Ok! Understanding where you’ve been in the past, you have already come so far.

Yes, you have a little bit to go to find your sparkle, but we’ll help get you there. No one is judging you. Maybe circumstamces, emotions and therefore behaviours are misunderstood sometimes. The wrong things are said. Or not enough support is given at the time.

Can I tell you something that you will have to trust me with?

YOUVE GOT THIS! YOURE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!

With all these thoughts going through your head, you maybe didn’t process the last words I said… that’s ok. You’ll just have to trust me on this one for now.

Anyway, how are you feeling? This isn’t a therapy session. It’s not a mental health check in either. Instead, I’m just hoping to give you some hope, so you can find what you’ve lost from within. It’s hard when we forget where things have gone and why we’ve lost them. Sometimes it’s silly things like our phones or glasses, and they will end up being in the simplest places. Other times, we seem to lose ourselves, our identity, what we had to work hard to become and although it’s difficult to regain the old version, a new one seems to form and continue to be created… better than the last. Imperfect and flawed and….. different.

Let’s see where you’ve been, up until now…

Remember in 2014, you were being taken through the hospital from the children’s ward in a wheelchair? You were very very unwell with an eating disorder which ended up needing intervention and precautions to keep you from deteriorating further? I don’t think you had your glow back then. I don’t think it had made any appearance just yet.

Don’t worry! We’ll find it! Don’t get disheartened. We can try again.

What about…… 2016? You celebrated your 16th birthday in a unit which had become too familiar, and was never just for a day visit. I remember you smiling on your birthday, but to be honest? Your smile wasn’t going to fool anyone. Your glow wasn’t there either. You seemed to be smiling for other people, and any time you had alone, you would shed a tear. You were tired. Physically, aswell as mentally. You were dealing with alot. Your eyes were glazed over. You were feeling empty. No glow.

On to the next one, I guess.

Ok. Maybe fast forward to 2018. You had another birthday celebration, this time you turned 18. But you were in a different environment for this one. You had been moved to your first adult unit. You were scared, anxious, and withdrawn. You knew no one and it felt like learning to walk all over again. Learning how things worked. Balancing your familiar routine and family visits and therapy appointments. It was all so new. It’s like everything you learnt in the children unit, you had to unlearn and discover what being a patient in an adult wars was like. Relearning things you new but lost touch with, and also imagining where adulthood could take you.

You got lost in thought there! Where did you go?

2018 was tough, but life got even tougher in 2020 when the same adult ward told your community team that they could keep you safe anymore. You were too unwell. Too much was happening, risk incidents included. This is when everyone got together and decided you needed intensive therapy that nowhere nearby could offer. That’s where St. Andrews healthcare in England was mentioned as a possibility. It was explained to you that you had a mental health condition called borderline personality disorder and you needed a therapy which treated this exact diagnosis. The therapy was known as DBT, or dialectical behavioural therapy. The move move to England took place and didn’t come without challenges, of course! But throughout your 3 years of treatment, you found a reason to keep going. You wanted to create a life worth living. And although bads days would come, the good days began to show up more often.

Thats it! That’s where your sparkle started forming. The light dimmed a little every now and then. Life had its ups and downs, just like anyone else, but you started managing your risk without intervention. You found that reaching out for support got that little bit easier.