Today marked a new beginning. I didn’t restart in a way that I was pushed backwards and had to start again. This time was different. Much different. It was a day that made me sad because I was also happy. It was a day that I didn’t expect would happen the way it did. And although it didn’t creep up unexpectedly, I wasn’t prepared. And my mindset has now shifted. New beginnings don’t always have to start after an ending… mine started when I discovered more about my strengths and gained a realisation that although goodbyes are hard and change can be difficult… a fresh start doesn’t with a new team of doctors and nurses who may have a different approach to my care, might be another piece to my recovery that fits!
The truth is, we have to move on to what may seems scary, but could be the change we needed to move forwards
You’ve been a part of me for too many years. Although I consider myself in “recovery” from my borderline personality disorder, as I do from anorexia, I’ve never actually felt ready to cut the ropes and say we’re finished.
I know the moment I say goodbye, things won’t change in my body, or in the environment. There won’t be a sprinkle of glitter from the sky, no one else will know what relationship I’ve just ended. Nothing dramatic will prove that in this moment, I’ve abandoned you on the side of the road and drove off.
The change will be our relationship. You’re not welcome in my life, in my thoughts, or having any control of my being anymore. Our communication will not consist of back and forth conversations. They will become silent. This will frustrate you, and that’s something I’ll not let wriggle into my thoughts. You will not guilt trip me into believing your lies, nor your own beliefs of me.
We won’t have regular contact like the last 6 years. Instead, you’re banned from entering my head.
You’ve put me in dangerous situations, which could’ve killed me. But I defeated all the odds.
Besides all the negatives amd knowing I wouldn’t choose any of them again, not even with your help, you’ve made me the strongest I’ve been, mentally. I wouldn’t change my past because that would change who I’ve become.
I’m not going to be known for having borderline personality disorder.
Rather, I’ll be known for recovering from it.
I wouldn’t have the life I have in this moment, without your existence.
This is the last I’ll mention your name. Stay away from me. We’re done.
Where are we heading? Which direction? What time are we getting there? Will we stop for a minute, halfway? Will there be any diversions?
‘RE-ROUTING’ said the navigation map in the car, as it started spinning on the screen to locate where they had taken a wrong turn (as expected!)
‘It told me to go right!’
‘Well, obviously it’s not the way we need to go, we’ll have to turn’.
‘MAKE A U – TURN’.
‘What’s the speed around here?’
’20mph I think cause it’s busy, just take it slow so we get there without another wrong turn’.
This little snippet of a story, reminded me of my life. Unexpected sometimes, circumstances can change, the direction we’re heading isn’t the one made for our future destination, and therefore we have to make a change, a turn around, see the whole map and start from a different angle. Same journey, with some speed bumps, stop signs, and diversions. But you’re going to become stronger for getting through all these things. You’ll learn where not to go, how to slow down when things around you are building up and you feel you can’t move or get through. Give yourself time. Take 5 deeps breaths. Look around you for anything you could recognise that is pointing you in the correct direction. You’ll get there. Maybe not right away. Maybe not today. But if you choose to continue, you’ll find your way.
She’s finding her sparkle ✨️ Life is the journey but you’re in control of where it takes you.
Some days I can’t find one thing I like about myself.
Some days it’s harder to keep going.
Some days I question why I’m trying so hard.
But!
Other days, I won’t have any thoughts of relapse.
Other days I feel confident in my appearance, my achievements and my ability to continue the work that seemed hard, almost impossible to keep going with everyday, but why would I stop now?
Why would I give it all up?
My flat?
My freedom?
My independence?
My whole recovery?
What would be the point?
I’d have to start again at some point, so why don’t I just keep going now that I’ve got the starting point done?
One month ago, I was given a choice. A choice to change my direction. To change my circumstances. To continue on the path I had started and taken a wrong turn.
It’s led me to have a lot of dark days. This new direction, this glow I’m headed towards, is going to help me find my sparkle that I have lost for way too long now.
I’ve been taking it a day at a time, so I don’t look too far ahead. But I’m ready for month by month now. I’m ready to conquer this path that’s defeated me over and over again.
In my experience of mental health, being in recovery and creating a life that I wake up each day and look forward to, I can say I’ve come a long way already.
So much has happened in my life. There is so much crap on some days that no one deserves to go through. But also so many moments of flourishing, and smiles and belly laughs until my stomach hurts and my eyes stream.
Life can be funny.
But to live? It will be an awfully big adventure.
I no longer see every day as a chore. An effort I just don’t have from the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I don’t crave my bed before I even get dressed at the start of the day. I’m basically not wishing the day away anymore.
I take it a moment at a time, not rushing but living and manifesting a good day. When I think of my life even just last month, to where I am now? I was barely living… I was just about surviving. Things could have been very different had I not chosen to change my direction. I might not have realised at the time, but every decision we make from waking to sleeping matters and can lead us to very different positions by the end of the day.
We can choose to understand how we’re feeling, validate ourselves where it’s due, and accept the emotions that come up. Or we can ignore our warning signs, allow our emotions to become unstable, and therefore, our behaviours not reflect our recovery through a choice that could have been so so different.
If you find yourself weighing up the pros and cons, practising mindfulness daily, choosing to stay in wise mind by combining emotion mind and rational mind to get the answer that needs to happen, whether that’s what you want or not, then you are creating a life worth all that hard work. Even if it’s the opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment, what is the action that NEEDS to be taken.
Wants Vs. Needs.
Pros. Vs Cons
Always ALWAYS a choice that you need to make.
When you get through the appointment that you were thinking about cancelling last minute?
That’s personal growth!
When you get out of bed and have a shower in preparation for going out with friends, when you really want to snooze your alarm and forget about your plans?
That’s personal growth!
For me, today, when offered to have my say in someone else’s decisions and choose for them, but actually accept that life doesn’t have to revolve around me all the time. That my family can make decisions without basing it on my mental state or mood in that moment. When I choose to accept the choices they can make for themselves and actually encourage them to decide as an individual who can?
I felt proud of that…
Because it is personal growth.
Not all progress is visible. Some are actually saying no to your inner critic. The little whisper that soon becomes a deafening scream that you feel you can’t ignore. But actually I have dome just that!
YOUCAN CHOOSE PERSONAL GROWTH!
Why would life ever have to be perfect? That smile has been through trials and defeat. But she’s still smiling? Living through it and still smiling 😃
Why do I have to keep going? There’s no point. There’s nothing worth fighting for. Anything I do, is wrong. I’m wrong. I’m just not good enough. Worthless.
But Rhiannon! You ARE keeping going. There IS a point to your life, because the lives you touch just by existing in this broken world that you do all you can to help heal, makes you good enough. Your worth is indescribable in words because you don’t deserve to be in pain. Be it mental or physical, you have been hurting for a very long time. And for that? I am very sorry. None of this is your fault. This world is not broken because of you. You are a blessing. You are helping heal those who, like you, think their life is a waste of oxygen.
Think about these words. Read them again. You are breathing. Your heart is beating. You are a precious life that is glowing with potential. Potential to make a change in this world. So, go out and make that change.
You are insecure. You feel misunderstood. You feel disconnected from everyone, including family. Rhiannon, you are 14 years old. If you could fast forward to now, you’d not believe where you are. You never thought it was possible to be mentally where you are now. You thought you would be in hospital again, detained, refusing to co- operate with professionals. You maybe even expected to not be alive right now. But, although you aren’t physically where you should be, things regarding your mental health, haven’t been this stable for years. If you could just see yourself for a minute or two, you would have the determination you needed to change the circumstances you find yourself in. Even if things had changed before they did, you wouldn’t be equipped with the skills and the motivation you have built up and enabled in everyday life. You might not have been any better. There’s alot of it’s and but’s in this letter. So I’m gonna conclude by saying, this life hasn’t been easy for you, but continue to Persevere and you’ll get to where you need to be. Not where you expect, or want. Just where you need.
Understand this, If your life was not meant to get you this far after everything you’ve been through recently, you wouldn’t have survived this long. It’s that simple. Your heart would have given up. You just wouldn’t be here. But you are alive. You are strong and courageous and motivated. You have a strength that no one can take away. You’ve been through things no one else can imagine. That will stay with you forever. Make the memories. Take the breath. And appreciate where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re headed. Stay in control, my friend.
“Whenever you feel afraid, why do you look to the night sky for reassurance?”
“I guess I just hope the angels are looking down, through stars that sparkle and shine, to help me find my glow again.”
Dear Granny, How are you, up there? Shining every night? Singing? Pain free? Holding close your nearest and dearest?
I haven’t felt you around in a while. I’ve felt lonely. I’ve felt really, really lonely.You probably know already, but I’m going to explain anyway.
I’m not doing the best. My thoughts feel robotic. Like an emotion appears, and the machine starts sending signals that are nearing me into crisis again. I feel unworthy of recovery. I don’t ever feel like anyone would care. I’m a problem. My head is a bully. And I don’t have the energy to fight. I just back away and let it corner me. It lashes out in fury. It hits and kicks and screams in my ear that I’m not capable.
I don’t know if you’re able to do anything to help granny. I just want to know I’m not on my own. I feel afraid. Afraid of forgetting you. It’s breaking me. I just want this life to be over. I don’t want to be a patient anymore. I’ve been a horrible daughter and sister. Hannah and Joshua have grown up without me already, so what’s the rest of their lives? Granny McLean is so sick. She is dying. I hope she’s not in pain. She smiles through every day, but I know she’s barely holding on.
Being around those who can’t remember, those who aren’t feeling themselves? It feels like I’m drowning. I can’t be here anymore. It’s not them. It’s this world. It’s turning against people, and it’s chosen me first. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. I don’t want to understand right now. I feel out of control. I feel useless, and I regret holding on this long to tell you. You deserved better.
What you deserved, I couldn’t make happen. Which makes my existence purposeless. I am purposeless. I am fragile right now. And I feel I might shatter. I can feel myself tipping over the edge. Over the edge of the bridge. Into water. Drowning. Again. Only this time Im unable to swim.
Urges to illuminate my future from being an option are high today. I am not worth the time or space. I’m crying as I write this, but again, somehow, I know you see this already, and I continue to fight for you. Fight for a reason. Fight for a purpose. To feel my life has a purpose.
What would you tell me? What are you telling me right now?
“Persevere, Rhiannon.”
A whisper comes from the sky, or rather from a presence that I feel around me again, just like before.
“I’m always here, and I’m always proud to be your granny.”
Another whisper, louder this time, I think.
Yes, it feels closer. Not for just a moment, but for a lifetime more, your heartbeat is beside me. Everywhere I go. I know you’re still with me. I just needed to take the time to ask the question and feel fear. I felt fear, and I survived. I felt anxiety, sadness and anger, and loneliness……
The light is her eyes fading. She had held on so long but felt exhausted. She was so innocent. Never saying no to requests and always giving her best with everything.
But now, she lay on her bed. Tears rolling down her face and unable to move. She was such a kind-hearted girl. Nothing seemed too big to ask, but the pressure she put on herself as well as the pressure from society to be the best, she just couldn’t keep it up.
She felt like a letdown. This girl who glowed and shone, making everyone around her feel safe and content, was losing herself. She was losing who she was and what she had fought hard to become.
None of that seemed to matter in that moment, though, because as she walked towards the bridge, which stood over the motorway full of traffic, she pulled herself over the railings and jumped. Of course, this was a scene she had imagined in her head. She wanted so badly to go to sleep and never wake up. No goodbyes. No explanations. But her life wasn’t like that.
She always felt there were signs in life. There were reasons for bad things happening before happiness would come back. Bad before the good, I guess. But she also knew her life meant something to others. She may not have had the energy to live for herself, for her own satisfaction and joy, but if staying alive meant she could see herself through another day in ordered to prove to others in the same position that it was and is and always will be possible, then it’s worth staying.
Sometimes in life, our reality is just a war we have to get through before we see victory. We can look back at things amd people we have lost. Part of me thinks we lose ourselves in life to gain our whole self. Because when we lose touch of the things most important, we think nothing is worth it. But in actual fact, we’re just finding our meaning… our hope that can become our very next moment if that is what we choose.
How does it feel to be able to say you’ve fully recovered from your eating disorder?
It feels empowering. It feels beyond anything I can describe. The very thoughts and behaviours that came with the agony I was putting my body through, all because the voice in my head told me to starve myself to control external factors in my life. External factors such as bereavement and loss were completely out of my hands, but yet I, for many, many years, blamed myself. Getting through such a difficult time came with a very long journey of hurting and processing and therapeutic intervention. Alongside the bad days, though, came the good ones too! I wouldn’t be alive if there hadn’t been people in my life fighting for me when I couldn’t hold on myself. I wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t intervened in the way they did because without nutritional intake, we fade and eventually disappeared to nothing. I lost my sparkle when my eating disorder became a part of my life, but I’m so damned proud to say it does not have a place in my head anymore. It’s taken 11 years. And although I live counting dates and working towards milestones, for this, I’m just happy to say I am fully recovered. Those are words I never thought I’d be able to say. I thought anorexia had become me, and Rhiannon was under the control of the voice in her head. I thought I could no longer gain any control back or change behaviours regarding my eating. But here I am! Saying those words! And realising the fight to get my life back is over. It doesn’t feel like a fight anymore. It feels like a life worth living!
You’re feeling numb. You don’t understand where life is taking you anymore. At first, you where a little of track, but now?
You’ve lost yourself.
It’s time to get that glow back, girl!
Ok! Understanding where you’ve been in the past, you have already come so far.
Yes, you have a little bit to go to find your sparkle, but we’ll help get you there. No one is judging you. Maybe circumstamces, emotions and therefore behaviours are misunderstood sometimes. The wrong things are said. Or not enough support is given at the time.
Can I tell you something that you will have to trust me with?
YOUVE GOT THIS! YOURE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!
With all these thoughts going through your head, you maybe didn’t process the last words I said… that’s ok. You’ll just have to trust me on this one for now.
Anyway, how are you feeling? This isn’t a therapy session. It’s not a mental health check in either. Instead, I’m just hoping to give you some hope, so you can find what you’ve lost from within. It’s hard when we forget where things have gone and why we’ve lost them. Sometimes it’s silly things like our phones or glasses, and they will end up being in the simplest places. Other times, we seem to lose ourselves, our identity, what we had to work hard to become and although it’s difficult to regain the old version, a new one seems to form and continue to be created… better than the last. Imperfect and flawed and….. different.
Let’s see where you’ve been, up until now…
Remember in 2014, you were being taken through the hospital from the children’s ward in a wheelchair? You were very very unwell with an eating disorder which ended up needing intervention and precautions to keep you from deteriorating further? I don’t think you had your glow back then. I don’t think it had made any appearance just yet.
Don’t worry! We’ll find it! Don’t get disheartened. We can try again.
What about…… 2016? You celebrated your 16th birthday in a unit which had become too familiar, and was never just for a day visit. I remember you smiling on your birthday, but to be honest? Your smile wasn’t going to fool anyone. Your glow wasn’t there either. You seemed to be smiling for other people, and any time you had alone, you would shed a tear. You were tired. Physically, aswell as mentally. You were dealing with alot. Your eyes were glazed over. You were feeling empty. No glow.
On to the next one, I guess.
Ok. Maybe fast forward to 2018. You had another birthday celebration, this time you turned 18. But you were in a different environment for this one. You had been moved to your first adult unit. You were scared, anxious, and withdrawn. You knew no one and it felt like learning to walk all over again. Learning how things worked. Balancing your familiar routine and family visits and therapy appointments. It was all so new. It’s like everything you learnt in the children unit, you had to unlearn and discover what being a patient in an adult wars was like. Relearning things you new but lost touch with, and also imagining where adulthood could take you.
You got lost in thought there! Where did you go?
2018 was tough, but life got even tougher in 2020 when the same adult ward told your community team that they could keep you safe anymore. You were too unwell. Too much was happening, risk incidents included. This is when everyone got together and decided you needed intensive therapy that nowhere nearby could offer. That’s where St. Andrews healthcare in England was mentioned as a possibility. It was explained to you that you had a mental health condition called borderline personality disorder and you needed a therapy which treated this exact diagnosis. The therapy was known as DBT, or dialectical behavioural therapy. The move move to England took place and didn’t come without challenges, of course! But throughout your 3 years of treatment, you found a reason to keep going. You wanted to create a life worth living. And although bads days would come, the good days began to show up more often.
Thats it! That’s where your sparkle started forming. The light dimmed a little every now and then. Life had its ups and downs, just like anyone else, but you started managing your risk without intervention. You found that reaching out for support got that little bit easier.
