Author: Rhiannon Mclean

My therapist used a word in my session today that has described what I’ve longed to feel for far too long…

STABLE!

Now, with my mental health, have come periods of low mood, intrusive thoughts and impulsive behaviours which have all landed me in hospital in the past to keep me safe.

I think I’ve associated the hospital with safety even though I had been admitted during relapses.

But today, ‘stable’ was used to sum up my mental state. The decisions to keep going. The reduced to nearly non-exsistant harmful urges.

With my Borderline Personality Disorder I find that i rely on others to notice progress for it to feel validated and more real to me. So when stability was the one-word description, i truly felt seen and heard in a way ive never been in the community before.

Surrounded by nurses and doctors, progress each day is monitored and almist rewarded with leave and increases of independance when moving towards discharge. I’m making huge steps forwards and today it got recognised. It may have always been there. But sometimes people are careful not to say it too soon.

Mental health stability – ‘where an individual can effectively manage stress, maintain consistent moods, and navigate life’s challenges. It involves controlling thoughts and behaviors, fostering resilience, and maintaining healthy relationships, rather than just the absence of mental illness.’

I’m managing on a daily basis. That’s not simple or easy. But i really do think that my recovery jounrey can only get better from here.

We so often use the word, ‘just’ and ‘only’, when we say we achieve something but make it feel smaller than it is.

“It was just 2 exams I passed.”

“It’s only once I completed it.”

Thats not the point!!!

You COMPLETED 2 EXAMS! That’s not nothing. That’s maybe 2 exams you didn’t think you could sit through, never mind completed, never mind passed.

Give yourself the credit for all the hard work you make on a daily basis.

There were days you didn’t want to survive, but yet here you are despite it all.

Showing up, improving, and being present.

There isn’t anyone else who has done that for you.

It’s all been YOU!

Be proud of yourself!

Your future self will thank you for staying when it’s been tough.

Creating a life worth living isn’t easy when your head screams that you aren’t good enough for this world.

This is a little message to anyone who is having the thought that they aren’t worthy or strong enough for this life because I beg to differ!

To anyone who feels stuck,
To the person who sees groups of girls their age going out partying without a care in the world (or so it seems!) while you are sitting stressing over academic grades.

Friend, you are not doing life wrong. You are not too much and you ARE good enough.

This life can take many twists and turns, landing us in places that feel impossible to manage and maintain. Giving up feels like the easiest route out, when instead, it creates turmoil and many more obstacles.

There are no options to skip this stage of life. It’s part of the process. It’s a journey as hard as it is.

Coming to terms with change, understanding the new routine that each brings and seeing each day through with the little strength that remains shows so much resilience and control. Not control in a powerful way but the type that continues, even when tears come. The kind when you don’t even know how you stayed and survived another hour, yet here you are!

I see you.
You are not alone.
I’m here.

You compare every inch of your being to others who lead very different lives. Longing to be different from who you are in this moment but to fit in with those around you. Moving away from that thought feels huge. Too big. Too much. Like you tell yourself you are.

You feel you take up too much space. Too much of others’ time.

The lives and routines of others may look perfect from the outside. It may seem like they have the best friends, while achieving A* grades no matter what.

Have you ever thought what actually might be holding them together?

They may be crumbling internally. Just as you feel you are. You may have the view that they have the world at their fingertips. But don’t be fooled! From the outside things are calm and happy and stable. Inside, a mum and dad are going through a divorce, alcohol misuse and a lot of unknown from day to day.

Maybe when we look back at our childhood, we see family, we feel loved and a genuine sense of belonging.

What has changed?

You’ve grown up. You’ve moved on and you’ve become your own person. Feeling how you feel is valid because it’s how you are experiencing this world. It’s difficult. It’s far from easy. But it doesn’t have to feel impossible! It can be taken day by day. Moment by moment sometimes. But it can get better. It can feel good. It can become comfortable to take another step forward. You can get to a point where you feel ready.

Don’t wait until others are making the same decisions that are waiting for you.

Celebrate every little step. No matter how small or unimportant. Every step forward is a step closer to achieving what you thought you wouldn’t survive.

Happy 8 weeks self harm free!

My dream is to prove recovery is possible,
My goal in life is to show recovery is worth it,
My ambition is to help others who feel alone in their struggles, like i felt, to feel surrounded by loved, supported and  listened to.

These examples have made me reflect on the individuals who give up when uncomfortable feelings arise,
For those who dont think life can be experienced while they are part of it,
For those who truly believe they are not worth help.

There are people who take their own lives,
People who don’t survive eating disorders,
People who cause themselves harm to block out uncomfortable emotions,

There are people who dont get to experience living!
Some people dont get to be proof that it gets better.

For some its too late,
Theyre in too deep.
The water rising until theres no air left.

That makes me think…

I have survived an eating disorder,
Ive made it through suicide attempts,
I survived almost drowning in my own head.

Why should i take my life for granted?
I could have been someone who left my family bereaved by suicide.

How can i honour the life i might not have had, hadnt i been intensely supported?

Suicide, eating disorders, mental health – they dont ever pause or feel enough.

You have to throw yourself in to recovery. When you wait for the right time you will never feel ready or prepared enough.

The right time to start recovery doesnt exist.

Do you want to try finding another excuse to say “maybe tomorrow”?
Because there is the chance we wont be here to see it; tomorrow isnt promised.

Start today!

After the storm the world will continue to turn,

It won’t stop to let you catch up,

It might even feel like the storm has caused things to forget about your presence,

After the storm, you will wipe away your tears because, although the rain and thunder have calmed, the storm within your mind is still raging and crashing, and your emotions haven’t changed quite yet.

After the storm, the sun will attempt to show behind the grey clouds,

The rain wont disappear.

But while the sun is peeking through, and the raindrops come with less force and impact, the sky will brighten with colours in a rainbow.

After the storm, when the worse of it has passed, you’ll know youve got through the hard bit.

The part that you thought was going to take your life and drown you.

The rainbow represents hope and new beginnings.

The colour will glisten brighter than you could have expected given everything felt so dark, dull and grey.

But theres always hope.

Theres always a time to come after the storm.

When I started tracking my recovery 4 months ago I didn’t think I would make it this far and see the progress that I have.

I didn’t expect to have moved past behaviours, made changes to my routine or to create a safe and stable structure each week while balancing my study deadlines and therapy appointments.

When i began this journey I thought I wouldn’t see the positives so soon. I guess I was hoping for some sort of outcome that felt, at the time, pretty impossible. It seemed only a figment of my imagination. All I’ve really known it afew weeks of stable mood and then into another relapse or crisis period.

To think that I have written in my journal each evening for a solid 4 months, can see progress not only in what I’ve written but how I feel within myself when I look back on darker days, I am very proud. I don’t see a girl swallowed up by the fear of letting people down. I don’t view myself as irritable or emotional anymore.

I can now allow myself to reflect on moments I can choose to manage in a dofferent way than I would have in the past.

Although I can’t erase my bad days from the past, and i can’t prefuct how I’ll react or cope in the future, the things that I do right in this moment are what will determine what direction my recovery goes.

Here and now.

Upon reflection, these 4 months have taught me to stay determined, to make positive daily habits that will stick and to value the support offered when things feel abit harder.

Life won’t suddently be perfect. And I think thats what I have aimed for for a while now. It just isn’t possible or achievable to have no doubts or fears or worries.

Things can be good. They can be great sometimes. So allowing myself to be realistic has helped. Dampening down emotions isn’t beneficial. But realising that there’s been a positive mindset shift over time….. thats been and will continue to be an important step for my overall health and wellbeing.

The thing I’ve learnt about pain is everyone has a personal and individual experience.

Currently I’d describe how I feel as ‘hurting’.

It isn’t physical pain, yet there are physical components in my life that are being affected.

My pain comes from loss.

Loss of knowing who I am,

Of who my people are,

Of fitting in.

I’m hurting.

But it’s not in a way thats visible.

It’s a different kind,

It’s hard to express in words.

Mayne you wouldn’t know just by looking at me.

My life right now feels like it has been torn into millions of pieces that I am trying to put together.

But there is a piece missing, so I guess I feel empty and out of place in a way. Even if I complete the puzzle and everything comes together there’s going to be something missing.

It’s not going to be perfect.

I didn’t know life was the best I was going to have, until someone very important to me was taken away.

I’m hurting.

But this feeling will pass.

I’ll learn to live again.

I have to continue.

I’ll never forget and may never feel complete but life will go on.

And I will learn to remember the smiles, laughs and happiness.

I’ll never forget.

That piece of my life is too important to forget.

Love,

Rhi

Xxx

Do what is nessecary,

Nothing massive or out of the every day routine, just what cannot be made optional,

Leaving the house, medication, interaction and remaining safe,

Take each step with the intent to carry on, the first step will begin the journey that may feel uphill,

Don’t look behind you- the past can’t be un-done, but your future will mean there are choices to make and opportunities,

Do the essentials of the day and whatever happens after that is a bonus I guess,

Understand the difference in wanting and needing:

Wanting something can mean plans, sacrifices and change,

The nessecary steps line up the ultimate intention to succeed with only what you have the energy and strength for, mentally and physically,

Because we can do what’s needed and the rest will follow as it happens. No expectations but acknowledging the steps taken are steps you could have taken backwards,

But we go forwards,

Steady and slow.

Keep doing what is nessecary, my friend.

Not without risk,

Not without mental pain,

But 2026 is going to be ny year.

I entered the year with trials that consumed me.

We’re in the last week of February and I’m 1 full month risk free, over 10 months in recovery and studying an access to university course.

I’m recovered from an Eating Disorder that nearly ended my life.

THIS WILL BE MY YEAR!

BRING IT ON!